6 Ways We Can Make The Mile High Experience Better

Summer is winding to a close and as my favorite fall past time approaches  I must reflect and propose a few simple ways to improve the experience at Mile High Stadium. Roger Goodell recently enacted a Fan Code of Conduct and frankly, Goodell can kiss my ass. He's trying to bring new meaning to the No Fun League , ahem NFL, gameday experience. So I must present to you, my Anti - Goodell game day proposals.

1. Loosen up the ridiculous security checks entering the Club Level.

Anyone out there who has seats in the Club Level knows exactly what I'm talking aobut. As you enter the Club level entrace your ticket is first checked by a person making sure you are at the right gate. Then a portly security guard checks you ticket again and molests you like Micheal Jackson at chucky cheese birthday party. Your  ticket is finally scanned as you enter the stadium and pass through the turnstyle. Thats 3 checks in 20 feet. But the madness continues. From the scanner it's 20 feet to the escalator. As you proceed through a human tunnel of police officers and security guards you are once again checked before getting on the escalator. This might be my favorite part; You get checked AGAIN for your ticket at the top of the escalator and have it stamped. How do you get lost or sneak onto an escalator ascending through a closed corridor? But before you can even get out of the club level lounge and out to your seat, you are checked once again. Thats 6 ticket checks. MADNESS !!! We're not Danny Ocean and his band of thieves coming for the crown jewels, just simple football fans.

2. Lower the price of beer.

One of the things that I love the most about the Broncos organization is that we will never be satisfied with anything less than winning a Super Bowl. Thank god we haven't endured the mediocrity of the Cardinals (can you even imagine). And the surest way to get into the playoffs and lock down home field advantage is by winning all your home games. You know and I know that fan noise can be a huge factor in that goal. There's nothing like a little Rocky Mountain Thunder to get the defense all riled up. Lets be honest with each other, with enough booze you could probably get your pastors wife to chant F*** the Raiders or get your shy soccer mom to scream at Phillip Rivers with murderous bloodlust. I'm not saying we need install puke buckets in the seats, but it would be nice to pay something like 4.50 for a beer and generally lower the inhibition of the corporate yuppies in stands, to bring up the noise a few decibles. The defense is counting on us people.

3. Expand the Cheerleading Team.

I don't think I even need to write an argument for this one. If you aren't in favor of this you should relinquish you tickets to a real man. I sit on the west side around the 25 yard line and i get a little pissed when the cheerleaders rotate away from my corner. That means waiting an entire quarter for them to come back. UNACCEPTABLE !!    I hear they only make a couple of hundred bucks a game anyway. Double the numbers and keep your fans happy. Put out two calendars, maybe even a risky  video to cover the costs. I'm starting to think that the Vince McMahon and the XFL was really onto something when they allowed cheerleaders to go into the stands and give lap dances. Imagine if you will a beatiful October afternoon, 65 degrees, Broncos leading San Diego 42 - 0, Six beers and a bratwurst deep, and Candy and her DD's on you lap. They could double ticket prices and still sell out.

4. I want to see someone actually make a field goal before the game.

Before many Broncos home games they park the short bus outside and bring in the "special people" to attempt field goals for prizes. In 13 years of Broncos games I think i've seen 9 people actually get one through the uprights. I swear to you they intentionally find the most physically challenged people to take these kicks. Maybe it's more entertaining that way? I'd rather see someone who has even the tiniest bit of skill taking shots from 25 out, instead of Joe Dirt embarassing himself in front of 75,000 people. I love the fly by's we so often get, and is there anything cooler than watching those guys parachute into the stadium with the flag. America kicks ass. The bottom line is, we deserve a better show than the pathetic kicking contest for the exorborant prices we pay for tickets. Which leads me to my next suggestion.

5. The Good, The Bad, and the Jr. Cheerleaders.

Is there anyone out there who isn't a parent of a Jr. Cheerleader or a pedophile who actually enojoys a Jr. Cheerleader half time show? Seriously. I continue to be shocked and amazaed at how bad most Broncos halftime shows are. In all fairness the are a few good ones. I thouroughly enjoy the Punt, Pass, and Kick competitions. The frisbee dogs are always awesome. The people on the bouncing spring legs was another one of the best. My personal favorite is always the Marine's and their rifle show, simply amazing. Does anyone remember Jazzercise? It was a long time ago but it may have been the most fascinating, yet horrific, halftime show in the history of halftime shows. 400 overweight middle age women doing "Jazzercise" is not entertainment, it makes babies cry, it makes men throw up in there mouth, I think i even saw people throwing themselves from the top of the stadium. The scene is still fresh in my mind like a terrifying nightmare. 400 40 something women in purple jump suits bouncing randomly on giant bouncy balls (the ones with the handles on them) around our sancturay of manliness, our shrine to football greatness. Jiggling thighs, tripple chins rippling, and  sagging cleavage flying aimlessly in all directions like Brodie Croyle passes. A sight to behold for sure, stunningly horrfic certainly, burned in my mind for eternity, why Pat Bowlen, why?  Which brings me to the Jr. Cheerleaders. I won't pick on these little girls because i'm sure it is the thrill of there lives. However, do we really need to see them for 4  or 5 of the halftime shows this year.  I certainly hope not. Thats not what we pay for, we deserve muh better.

Jazzercisers: I know what your thinking, smoking hot!

6. Eliminate the cartoonish Wah Wah Wah after the In-Com-Plete.

This was the reason I strated this post, and to be honest, I might have gotten a little carried away. But that stupid Wah Wah Wah drives me crazy. When the In-Com-Plete chant first started, it was amazing. It was like voice of god booming from the heavens to ridicule our opponents. There was a game against the Chiefs when Trent Green had more than 15 incompletions, my voice was hoarse just from the chant. You could see the pressure build on him to complete a passs, it was more and more  satisfying with each mounting incompletion. You feel united with your fellow fan in your lust for Broncos victory. Then they started the Wah Wah Wah and cheapened the whole thing. Many times i've had people ask me what we were yelling because they could hear it over the TV broadcast. It's unique to Mile High, It's our terrible towel, we don't need the childish sound effect. Seriously, if anyone knows someone in the Broncos game production staff, you've got to get them to stop that. If that doesn't work, we storm the box and hold Bowlen hostage till he outlaws it.

In Conclusion:

Make no mistake, there is no place on earth i would rather be on Sunday's  than Mile High stadium. I feel incredibly fortunate and lucky to have seen so much history and Broncos success, we are truly lucky to have such a classy and dedicated organization. For the most part, the experience at Mile High is unparalled. Yet we can do just a little better. It's the American way to strive for improvement.

Damn, isn't Bowlen from Canada.