Mascot Wars Week 4

What is a mascot war? Well, simply put, if the team mascots actually had a battle, which one would win and why? This article is meant to provide in depth X and O study in order to figure out the victor of the game............ well, not exactly. Some people like to pick games this way. In fact, lots of people who know nothing about football use this way to pick games. It's often right..........especially when my girlfriend, who knows nothing about football, picks games this way. I call it luck, others call it legit. You decide.

So before you get into the picks, realize this is just for fun, but at the same time, there are hidden bits of football insight (see if you can find them all)(I'll provide hints for a few important ones). Trust me, I wouldn't put it out there if it was COMPLETELY ridiculous. Hopefully you enjoy it............. and hopefully these picks are right.......except for the charger pick.

Lions at Bears

Here is a classic Wizard of Oz matchup. If there was a three way football game with the bengals..........OH MY. (thanks broncobear). Anyways, down to the mascot pick. Lions are pretty ferocious. Then again, Bears are godless killing machines with no soul.

The lions have been taking a catnap for the last few seasons. They finally woke up last week and took down the redskins (what the redskins were doing in the African plains, I don't know). I think that maybe the lions are still a little too excited about their last kill and are going to be a little self-confident. Bears win this because it isn't the winter yet. They gotta get some more food before they go into hibernation come playoffs.....I mean winter.

Bears win

Bengals at Browns

What is a brown anyways? A turd? A piece of chocolate? Irrelevant. The bengals win this one. If a brown is a turd, then maybe the bengals will get sick a few days after they devour it, but it shouldn't affect them too bad on sunday. If a brown is chocolate, then perhaps the bengals will just eat the browns out of depression to make the hurt go away from their week 1 loss they are still sad about. Either way, the browns are getting eaten this weekend.

Bengals win

Seahawks at Colts

This is going to be an interesting matchup in nature. For some reason, the colts have quite an air attack (haha, passing game metaphor). The seahawks are going to be surprised at how well the colts go through the air (haha, did it again). It's at the colts home. That means out in the midwest, away from the ocean. Seahawks are fish eaters, but since they have no pockets, they won't have cash to go buy some fish at Long John Silver's. So, they are going to be STARVING (for points). It also doesn't help that their leading sea hawk is injured (hasselbeck). Colts win easily. It's pretty easy to win with Manning, let alone when the opposing team has no nourishment.

Colts win

Giants at Chiefs

First and foremost, this would be an awesome matchup to see in real life. A giant against a chief. I'd pay to watch that. Anyways, on to the pick. I'm saying the giants win here. Although the chief is still a pretty sweet mascot, a giant is just more powerful here. Even though a giant is coming into the chief's village, it is still not going to matter. One on one, the giant will take down the chief every time. It's a simple question of weight ratios. (monty python fans?) Anyways, that's my pick.

Giants win big (haha, pun..........and true)

Ravens at Patriots

Okay, this is a pretty difficult matchup. On one hand, it's just a stupid bird and we are talking about patriots (Thomas Jefferson, Abe Lincoln, Henry Ford, etc.). On the other hand, Ravens are crazy. Ever read the raven by Edgar Allen Poe? That story is nuts. You honestly think that Abe Lincoln wouldn't have nightmares from that? Upset mascot pick of the week. I'm going with the Baltimore Ravens to scare the daylights out of the Patriots. Sure, they may be great americans, but even great americans are scared to death of Edgar Allen Poe stories. Especially the Raven they call Ray Lewis. Darren Sproles is still having nightmares............

Ravens win

Buccaneers at Redskins

This is an interesting matchup of history. You might even see this on that discovery channel show, ultimate warrior or something. Pirates vs Native Americans.Canons beat bow and arrow. Pistols beat machetes. But the Buccaneers cannot defend the ship. They have been hit hard by other opponents and have taken over twice as many hits as they've given.Also, the Redskins just lost to the lowly lions last week. They will come out angry and you don't wanna see an angry Redskin.

Redskins win

Titans at Jaguars

A titan is a mythological creator of the world. So, I think that the titans should probably take down the jaguars since they apparently created them. Why have they not won yet???? Simple. The saints are strong right now. The God of the Saints is clearly messing up the Titans right now.

Titans win this week, despite the saints still lighting up the scoreboard.

Raiders at Texans

Well, although raiders are scary and thieves and always pick fights and wear paint and stuff like that, you never step onto a texan's property. Seriously, people in texas have some kind of beef when it comes to trespassing on their land. Expect the texans to come out angry. Nobody comes onto their property without a shotgun pointed in their direction.

Texans win

Jets at Saints

So far, the jets have been flying high. Undefeated, big headed. The saints are doing very well, also. With the help of God, they are faithfully moving along behind the arm of Drew Brees. Since this is at New Orleans (ironic placement for the saints), that means that the battle would take place in a church. Jets and churches don't mix. The jets are gonna fly into the side of the building and make God angry. This will fire up the saints and the saints will rain an eternal beat down on that new pilot (sanchez) that the jets recently gave the controls to.

Saints win

Bills at Dolphins

Buffalo Bills. Are they bills or buffaloes? I'll go with buffaloes here. Okay. Let's assume this is at the dolphins (since it is). Buffaloes can't swim. Dolphins win. Simple. It's interesting that the dolphins have had a good ground game so far this season, too. Interesting............ evolution???? maybe??? They're learning how to live on the ground. This is truly a marvel in science.

Dolphins win

Rams at 49ers

I've been told that a 49er is a miner with a pick and shovel. Rams are pretty tough, but as long as you avoid the horns when it's coming at you, no worries. The 49ers can just use the pick and swing it right into the side of the ram. Done deal. If all else fails, the 49ers can just stand in front of the mine, let the ram come running at them and then at the last second, step to the side. That way the ram will just fall into the mine. Rams are clearly lacking proper direction (coaching) and are messed up in all aspects, so falling down a mine wouldn't be surprising.

49ers win

Cowboys at Broncos

Cowboys ride broncos and win if they stay on for 8 seconds. So I've been told. Anyways, 8 seconds is not very long. Considering the game of football is 60 minutes, the broncos got this. There's no way a cowboy can ride a bronco for 60 minutes. If they could, rodeos would last FOREVER................

Broncos Win

Chargers at Steelers

Crazy matchup. This is a physics teacher's dream. We have got a lot of electricity and a lot of steel. The simple answer would be that electricity wins. But, let's take it a little further. A steeler is a person who makes steel. Since workers in the steel industry are around heavy things, they probably wear steel toed boots, which have rubber soles. Hmmmmm. It's still a lot of electricity.

So, this depends on whether or not the steelers are "grounded". (metaphor). The higher an object is to the sky, the greater the chance of electrocution (this is why lightning rods work)(also why you shouldn't stick metal objects in the air)(you don't want to make yourself the highest conductor in your general area). So, the steelers need to stay close to the ground. I think that the passing continues, though, because that's how they've done things so far. Unfortunately. The chargers win this one because the steelers won't stay on the stupid ground.

Chargers win.

Packers at Vikings

Well, we got cheese makers in one corner and warrior/barbarians of the sea in the other corner. We gotta go vikings here. Short and sweet.

Vikings win.

Let the mascot wars begin.