They Write Letters: Chibronx Shares E-Mail from Woody Paige, Peter King and Others
by Chibronx on Dec 16, 2009 10:02 AM MST
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PrintIt looks like the MSM is in the holiday spirit. This morning, Woody Paige, Mark Kiszla and a few others wrote me in response to letters I sent earlier this year. I thought I'd share what they said. Here we go:
Dear Woody Paige,
For my money, no Bronco has been more disappointing in 2009 than Chris Simms, the quarterback you thought should take the helm for Orton. What went wrong? Who else do you think has let the team down?
Signed, Chibronx
***
Dear Chibronx,
In 2009, I thought Denver would be Simms' City. The Simms (Phil the Rivers and Chris the Collinsworth-less) were an ideally designed family. Chris was primed to cross into the upper tier of NFL quarterbacks. He would make Clay Street Simms' Lane. But if only the quarterback without a spleen had a brain. Then his ample heart would guarantee that his kidney wasn't just kiddin' me when I pronounced him the best QB 2 B there for the Broncos.
But it was not 2 B for kid QB. I thought Simms' son would play better than Sampson (Clint and Old Testament both). But he got no help from Delilah, and made our (predominantly) orange hearts turn (mostly) blue. Instead of bringing Chris-Kringle cheer, Chris krumpled, and now kid Simms' destiny as the Simms-ply best in the first family of QB will B un-full-philled.
Robert Ayers, despite heralding from Tennessee, is also a disappointment. When the kid they got for the QB chases the other guys' QB, he whiffs like Ryan Howard. He'll never throw back the quarterback like Bri-an Orakpo, the player the Broncs needed for more sack-pos. No sacks, no soreness, no Bayer. Without Bayer, Ayers the Player will never be Gayle Sayres. He'll just fade in the glay-er of the lights, like another sinfamous Robert, Bobby K. Like Robert A., Robert K. had his career taken from him before it could be fulfilled. What Sirhan Sirhan did to the kid Prez 2 B, No-Lan No-Lan did to Bobby A. by moving him from End to LB.
Woody
***
Hey Kiz. Let's kick it!
I feel really great about the Broncos this year. Where do you think they go from here? I think they need to draft some bigger interior offensive linemen. What do you want the team to do?
Signed, Chibronx.
***
Dear Chibronx,
If Josh McDaniels is serious about taking the next step with this team, he must do the bold and unthinkable: Cut Mario Haggan and Lonnie Paxton. After starting so strong, this team has gotten too secure. Make no mistake about it, McDaniels is smart, but he's still just a kid. He will lose the team instantly unless he starts admitting his own mistakes. What better place to start then cutting one of the old and one of the new? Haggan is a holdover who gets no sacks and could only receive a contract extension from an arrogant kid. Paxton is the ultimate sin of pride, and the last Patriot player McDaniels will bring to Denver, if he wants to win. With those two bold decisions, McDaniels will have this team on its way.
Kiz
***
Dear Peter King,
Now that the Broncos are approaching a playoff spot, the Bears are headed for one of the worst records in the NFL, and Jay Cutler is going to lead the league in interceptions, isn't it time to declare the Broncos the winners of the Cutler trade?
Signed, Chibronx
***
Dear Chibronx,
Wow, great question. In a league with so many great quarterbacks, can you blame a team for trying so hard to get one? Peyton Manning and Tom Brady both playing. Right now. Right in front of us. And we're here - to witness it! It's a shame that the rest of the NFL sometimes takes away from their brilliance. They're both just so amazing.
I mean, the Patriots, the Chargers and the Colts. Wow. Just wow. What great teams. What a league. Commissioner Goodell was telling me the other day that there's never been a better time to root for football or buy tickets to a game. Pretty cheeky stuff, I thought. But then I thought some more. Tom Brady and Peyton Manning, both playing. And then some other quarterbacks and teams, too. You've got to hand it to the Commish: He's pretty sharp.
Here are 7 more things I think I think:
1) That's some good coaching, Rex Ryan. You'll make dad proud. Keep this up, and you might even have as good a head coaching record as he did.
2) Coffeenerdness: In Terminal B at O'Hare this weekend, the Barista introduced me to the Caramel Pumkinchino Macchiatto. Great stuff. What a time to be alive. Then I went next door to some restaurant called Wolfgang Puck's. The special was lobster-mango ravioli. What's a mango?
3) NCIS Los Angeles Thoughts: You've got to handle the Russians, better than that, Callen. By the way, one word on Chris O'Donnell: Wow. He hasn't been this good since Batman Forever. He's the new David Caruso. Hooo-ahh!
4) The Office Thoughts: At the recommendation of some readers, I tried the British Office, the one with the British guy. Apparently they copy our shows now. I don't get it. Was he trying to be funny? Here's a tip on jokes: Make sure to include a punch line. Then have the camera cut away to other peoples' faces, so I know how to react.
5) Factoid That May Only Be Interesting to Me: The Chargers, Patriots and Colts have combined to win one of the last 4 Superbowls. What teams! What a game.
6) The secret reason the Ravens have declined: The drop-off in play from Haloti Ngata. 11 games, half a sack. A top defensive linemen has to do much, much better than that.
7) Eleven games, 600 yards, and nearly 3-and-a-quarter yards per carry. LT is still one of the best in the game. We're lucky to be watching this guy.
PK
***
Dear Bill Williamson,
I'm really thrilled about the Broncos' season this year. But with the Bears' draft pick and another year for the players to learn the system, I'm even more excited about next year. What do you think?
***
Dear Chibronx,
The Broncos really surprised a lot of people this year. Nobody could have seen it coming. Next year? Yeah, I can definitely see it. If they have a really great draft, all of their player improve, Orton gets better, the coaching continues to be solid, the schedule is easy, and they catch some lucky breaks, I could see them definitely having a decent chance to be competitive.
Count on it.
Porkchop
This is a Fan-Created Comment on MileHighReport.com. The opinion here is not necessarily shared by the editorial staff of MHR
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Nice
Very funny!
"No more my bad just make the play"-McJedi
by RockyMountainThunder on Dec 16, 2009 10:07 AM MST reply actions
Dear John Clayton
It looks like Josh McDaniels does know how to build a football team, doesn’t it?
Signed RMT
Dear RMT,
The Broncos success is a huge surprise this year to everybody, but a big reason why is that defense led by Mike Nolan. The Broncos have mainly gotten to 8-5 by playing teams on their schedule. Imagine if they had played other teams not on their schedule this year like the Saints, Vikings, Packers and Titans. The results would probably have not been so good. Don’t be surprised if McDaniels blunders catch up with them in the next year or two. And if not the Broncos will have to thank the scheduling gods for allowing them to play NFL teams they can beat.
"No more my bad just make the play"-McJedi
by RockyMountainThunder on Dec 16, 2009 10:14 AM MST up reply actions 6 recs
You got me in the Spirit!!!
"No more my bad just make the play"-McJedi
by RockyMountainThunder on Dec 16, 2009 10:23 AM MST up reply actions
Clayton is such a tool
he can never admit he was wrong and finds a way to always bash the Brocos. He also loves the “What if”
by gnarlybroncodude on Dec 16, 2009 12:55 PM MST up reply actions
Pretty accurate, RMT and Rec'd
"All credibility, all good conscience, all evidence of truth come only from the senses." Friedrich Nietzsche
Show me some Green
Character may be manifested in the great moments but it is made in the small ones -- Philip Brooks
You're the master of turning people green, KK. You've got the kermit touch.
If Taylor Swift were to try and tackle me, I'd let her.
Girl, you don't need to be a 10, as long as you have a good smile and smell like bacon.
by Troy Hufford on Dec 18, 2009 7:05 PM MST up reply actions
LOL
I’ve just been in good position lately. Busy on the weekly post and catching up on the reading, that’s all.
Character may be manifested in the great moments but it is made in the small ones -- Philip Brooks
hahaha, well you are very opportunistic.
If Taylor Swift were to try and tackle me, I'd let her.
Girl, you don't need to be a 10, as long as you have a good smile and smell like bacon.
by Troy Hufford on Dec 18, 2009 7:22 PM MST up reply actions
Am I the only one
that can’t understand Woody’s email? hahaha
Seriously!
Even his emails are nonsensical. I wonder if he talks to his wife in that weirdo, punny, idiotic prose too.
by MarshallMcCard on Dec 17, 2009 9:26 AM MST up reply actions
Yeah, I'm an idiot...
Should have kept reading the comments, then I’d have known that those were fake. I’m an idiot. Carry on.
by MarshallMcCard on Dec 17, 2009 9:27 AM MST up reply actions
Funny,
I thought the one from Woody might be real for a second.
You need to edit the Bill Williamson response to include grammar mistakes and the use of the word “really” at least five times.
This is my favorite website.
That’s a good point. I cleaned up Porkchop’s e-mail as a favor to him. I went back and re-inserted the initial mistakes.
I like the run-on sentence
Straw Man also likes to hide a juicy one in the middle of his responses.
Jason
The Hanging Curve
by poorboywilly on Dec 16, 2009 11:16 AM MST up reply actions
Perfect!!!
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind-- Pearl Jam, "I am Mine"
by PredominantlyOrange on Dec 16, 2009 10:25 AM MST reply actions
Ha!
I didn’t figure it out until I got to King’s. Seriously, just between you and me, Woody’s and Kiszla’s are real, aren’t they?
Now where did that Kool-Aid vendor go?
Same here!
Love this —
“The Chargers, Patriots and Colts have combined to win one of the last 4 Superbowls.”
I totally thought those were real
Until I saw Bill Williams had signed his response “Porkchop”. Gawd, I love that nickname. It makes me giggle uncontrollably.
Great job, you really had me going, especially with Peter King’s rambling response about food and how great it is to be alive and never answering the question.
Rec’d
It takes neither courage nor intelligence to cheer for a team only when that team wins. The true test of a fan's mettle is the same as it is for a player: Were you there when you were needed?
haha, same here. I saw porkchop and paused for a while. I thought, "huh?....... Why would he call himself that?"
If Taylor Swift were to try and tackle me, I'd let her.
Girl, you don't need to be a 10, as long as you have a good smile and smell like bacon.
by Troy Hufford on Dec 16, 2009 11:23 AM MST up reply actions
What are You Talking About?
He wrote a PS saying he was calling himself Porkchop in homage to MHR, because he loves us so much. But I had to promise not to publish that part of the letter.
Chibronx...You, MY FRIEND, are BRILLIANT
You are getting my highest rec ever in the history of rec’ing.
Genius. I can’t say more. Pure. Evil. Genius.
Comedy done perfectly. There is nothing better!
"But I hate the way our identity has changed..Kyle Orton might not be the flashiest quarterback, but the guy is a winner, and that formula worked for us. I hate to say it, but that’s the truth." --Brian Urlacher
You've captured their true essence here Chibronx
Wonderful, just wonderful. :oP
"A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do" Walter Gagenot
"Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible."
Funny Stuff
if they really did respond for real i am sure it would be similiar, probably worse then this lol
by gnarlybroncodude on Dec 16, 2009 12:56 PM MST reply actions
my god.... :)
Why do i think Chibronx sits around in a secret volcano laboratory, twisting his moustache as he hatches these ideas?
I have to be honest, it never occurred to me these weren’t real! The sad part is I just read ‘porkchop’ and never thought twice… :P I’ll admit that when I read the King email it seemed odd, but I assumed that it was some kind of form email that he just sent out in response to every question he got!
Classic. Good lord I want to front page this… >:)
Precision in thought, concision in style, decision in life.
"That's MR.Styg..."
by Jeremy Bolander on Dec 16, 2009 3:08 PM MST reply actions
Ditto
I had to read it a couple of times to understand that he just nailed it. Reading ‘Peter King’, I kept thinking is this some sort of crazy form email he send out? Then the light finally came on.
Brilliant, I say!!!
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind-- Pearl Jam, "I am Mine"
by PredominantlyOrange on Dec 16, 2009 3:31 PM MST up reply actions
This was fantastic, just fantastic
Most highly rec’d
"I am not one of those who think that coming in second or third is winning." -- Robert F. Kennedy
Chibronx
This is a pleasant fiction…and thanks.
"All credibility, all good conscience, all evidence of truth come only from the senses." Friedrich Nietzsche
I want me some...
Caramel Pumkinchino Macchiatto…
Rec’d!
"Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space."
"It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes" Douglas Adams
by orange&blue_aussie on Dec 16, 2009 9:53 PM MST reply actions
PS I'm on my third read.
This doesn’t get old… there’s something new each time. Brilliant.
For example…
I don’t get it. Was he trying to be funny? Here’s a tip on jokes: Make sure to include a punch line. Then have the camera cut away to other peoples’ faces, so I know how to react.
"Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space."
"It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes" Douglas Adams
by orange&blue_aussie on Dec 17, 2009 3:26 AM MST up reply actions
The best satire
is that which can pass for reality while maintaining that absurd edge. You my friend are gifted! Kiz had me going WTF, but I have to admit you had me right up to Porkchop.
"All we're trying to do is win the *********** game!" -- Josh MF McDaniels tearing into his offensive line after three false starts in the red zone. The tirade turned the tide of the game, and the Broncos dominated from that point on.
by broncosmontana on Dec 16, 2009 11:40 PM MST reply actions
That was freakin awesome!
My head started to hurt while I was reading Woody’s response, so I obviously hadn’t figured out the joke yet. Once I got to PK I started to figure it out. And then the Porkchop sig confimed my suspicions. Good work Chibronx, I think if you would have left off the porchop sig a lot of people wouldn’t have got it until they read the comments.
Classic!!
I was all set to prepare an LT (original LT) quote from the Waterboy until I got to the Peter King letter.
“Which brings me to my next point kids…..DON’T….SMOKE….CRACK!”
It’s a sad day for Journalism when responses above are not too far from the truth…
by attackparrot on Dec 17, 2009 9:13 AM MST up reply actions
Thanks for all of the kind words, everybody
Please stop insisting that I had a hand in this. Like the people whose bylines you read in the Washington Post and the New York Times, I’m just a stenographer. I write down what other people say and leave it up to you to judge.
I might write some more letters to these columnists in the offseason. If they write back again, I’ll be happy to post their responses. Please let me know if there are any particular questions you’d like me to ask of the pundits, or if there’s some MSM writer you’d like me to reach out to.
hahahha, nice
You had me until King. Awesome
by AllBroncsallday on Dec 17, 2009 8:58 AM MST reply actions
I like Porkchops response
I don’t think the guy could make a prediction without the word IF.
... if you have a belief, you will tend to find things that support it. But if you have a prejudice, you’ll move heaven and earth to maintain it. BroncoBear
That was truely awesome!
I will be honest. You had me the whole time. I never caught on. I went through Woody’s email and was like “God this guy is a nut. I don’t understand half of what he is saying.” And it kind of made me tune out. Through Kiz’s I was like “Cut Haggan!?!? What a frickin moron! This guy is a serious journalist and gets paid for this!?!?” Then PK’s was so well written and so much like something he would write that I thought, like several others, that this was a prewritten auto-response thing he had. The wholw time I’m reading it I was thinking “Peter King is such a tool. He didn’t even answer the frickin question! He just name drops and tries to sell tickets and starbucks.” Then Porkchop’s was hillarious. “Yes, if everything gets better and they have the easiest schedule in history then they definately maybe might be able to compete. COUNT ON IT!” HAHAHAHAHA. I was so fed up with MSM BS that I didn’t even catch the Porkchop sig.
Great work Chi! Well played sir! Well played!
"Change is inevitable - except from vending machines."
by EastCoastBronco on Dec 17, 2009 11:57 AM MST reply actions
We are not worthy
of your writing talent.
You could easily supplant all of those writers, improving on their prose, analysis and insight. The readers would just think they’d all gotten more intelligent.
All we need is you (and Bear, Styg, Lebowski, et al) and Horvill Tiki.
Thank you for making my day.
"Remember, it's only a game."
You need to include Mike Silver
You need to include a response from Mike Silver. It should include bashing McD (probably comparing him to GW Bush), extoling the Dolts (Phylis & LT in particular), a comment praising the Cal State Bears and a song with altered lyrics only he can hear in his head…
"He who knows nothing is closer to the truth than he whose mind is filled with falsehoods and errors." ~ Thomas Jefferson.
I don’t suffer from insanity – I enjoy every minute of it!
by Broncos 'n Scotch (BS) on Dec 17, 2009 10:07 PM MST reply actions
So have any of theses writers contacted you yet?
I bet you could take over their column for them so they could take a nice vacation and none of the readers woudl be any the wiser. This could definately be worth some money to them.
Excellent
I finally had some time to read this, and I’m very glad I did. Rec’d.
Character may be manifested in the great moments but it is made in the small ones -- Philip Brooks
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