Remember HarvJNep2n's thoughtful post a few weeks back that enticed us to bust out our crystal balls and think about what would happen in 2009 if we hired the different coaching prospects? Well, that is the inspiration for this. I love the idea as it can entice some pretty entertaining responses and show the level of creativity of the members of this site.
Also, I wanted to bust out the Harry Carry again.
So here's the premise: Look into your crystal ball and see who the Broncos sign this year. Look ahead to the draft and see who we pick. Then, imagine a full season of them in Broncos blue-and orange. Will they help us get to the playoffs? Will they set records? It's all up to your imagination! (Jeez, I sound corny.)
The catch: you have to do it as a recognizable media personality. Try to convey a pissed off Jay Mariotti windedly trying to explain how he knew all along that the Broncos would win the Super Bowl, or Mel Kiper, Jr.'s hair fervently lavishing praise onto the Broncos excellent '09 rookie crop.
When you're writing your pastiche, if you will, try to promote players that you want us to pick up, and degrade the ones you want us to stay the hell away from. And have some fun with it! I can't wait to see what the site has to say. I'm first up. Here goes:
Well hey everybody, Harry Caray here! It's late in the fourth quarter with the Broncos up 51-3. The Chargers have the ball at their own 15 yard line with their playoff hopes dying away. The Broncos could clinch the AFC West with a win here today, and folks, from the way things are going today that seems like it just may happen. Ya never know, though. Sometimes the weirdest things happen at these football games.
Chargers snap the ball... Rivers back to pass... and... Oh my, look at that kid in the stands!! Why, he's wearin' a sombrero! An orange one!! Hey, that sombrero must be like 6 hot dogs across! I wonder, if that sombrero were a hot dog, would I be able to eat it all? Huh? What's that, Norm? The pass? What pass? Oh, that one? Oh. Well... according to my sources, the pass was incomplete.
Yeah, second down now... 2:13 left... and Rivers passing again.. OH MY, it's a blitz!! Patrick Chung!! Rookie second round pick Patrick Chung came in and blitzed and knocked Phillip Rivers through the goalposts! Say, Norm, do the Broncos get any points for that? No? Well, if I made the rules, that would have been worth a hundred points... Chung.. you know what that sounds like, ladies and gentlemen? Some kinda awesome Chinese sauce. Isn't that what they eat in China? China Chung Sauce? No? What, Norm? The game? Oh, okay.
Folks, it looks like Rivers is still down... yeah, it looks pretty bad. Say, Norm, can we get a closeu-- OH MY GOD!!! What happened to your face, Philip Rivers?!?! It looks like a diseased potato!! One that is in no way appetizing! Ooohhh.
Yes, folks, that really is a somber sight. Such a terrifying injury. So let's all take the time to laugh at it!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Phyllis just got his face broken!
Back to the game, then. Apparently there was a fumble, and rookie Terrance Taylor, a fourth round pick for the Broncos, fell down on it. Making it a rookie-to-rookie exchange that was in no way homoerotic. Broncos ball at the twelve... handoff to Derrick Ward... and he bounces off a tackle... and he is... IN!! Touchdown Broncos!! Ward with his 13th touchdown of the year!! And that puts it at 58-3 with 2:00 to go. The Broncos may have just sealed the deal right there, everybody.
[Cut to post-game show]
Harry: I'm here with Emmitt Smith to talk about the game. Emmit, your thoughts?
Emmitt: Yes, Harvey, the Broncos has...have...has clinch the division with this win. They totally debacled the Chargers in this one with the final score being sitty-five to 6.
Harry: Yes, Emmitt, and they clinched the AFC West with a rookie coach. Who woulda thunk, right?
Emmitt: Yes Herbert, Joshua McDanieled really showed... impressed... he was impressive for a rookie. To win 12 games and make it to the doggone playoff, McDonald really showed that he could be an impressive head coach.
Harry: Impressive indeed Emmitt. More importantly than that, if Josh McDaniels were a hot dog, would you eat him?
Emmitt: Well, Hal, it depends on if they had the right cond.. condominiums on him. I'm not a big fan of relish.
Harry: I'm disappointed to hear you say that, Emmitt. Norm wants me to talk about the Broncos draft class. What can you tell me about that?
Emmitt: Oy, yes. The Broncos really won at the draffs this year. The first picked, Rey Maluager, is probably goin to be the Defensive Rookie of the Year for defense. He has over a hundred tackled so far on this year, 2009. In the second round, Percy Chung the safety got taken... by the Broncos... the Broncos took him and he has played very well all year to help the Broncos get into the doggone playoff. He had eight interceptions, which is almost into the double digits.
Harry: And he broke Philip Rivers' face! That was fun.
Emmitt: Yes, Horvil, that was what is called a huge hit. Philip Rivers got debacled on that play. The other Broncos rookie, Terrance Traylor, had a big game as well. He score two sacks and picked up a fumble in the late game. He is been the big run stuffer that the Broncos 3-4 defense needed on this seasonal.
Harry: And how about those free agents?
Emmitt: Yes, the Broncos have... has a huge off season of free agents signings. Derrick Ward is over a hundred yards and is playing well, even though Ryan Torain hurt himself and have to missed four game. The other big free agent, Chris Canty, has not been as big of a factorial in the Broncos defense, but he have five sacks and is playing well in the rotation of Marcus Thomas.
Harry: That's all the time we have, Emmitt, 60 minutes was supposed to be on 3 hours ago, but who's counting? But before you go, I have to ask you, we all know the Broncos are not made out of green cheese. But if they were made out of barbecue spare ribs, would you eat 'em then?