The priest says"do you charge alot for circumcisions?" The Rabbi says" No I just keep the tips".

The first Surgeon says, “Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second Surgeon says, “Nope, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The third Surgeon says, “Well you should try electricians. Everything inside them in color coded.”

The fourth Surgeon says, “I prefer Raiders fans. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and asses are interchangeable.”

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”

Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”

“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.”

You’d think ONE of those sad sacks would’ve seen it!

the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for any inconveniences.

Among the passengers are a Frenchman, a Mexican, an Englishman, and a Texan. They are all sitting on the escape door row. Suddenly the pilot goes on the intercom and says that the plane is rolling too heavy, and they need to throw out all the luggage. So they throw out all the luggage. About 10 minutes later, the pilot comes back on and announces that the plane is still too heavy. There is a note of panic in his voice. After 5 more minutes, the pilot goes on the intercom and says that someone on the plane has to sacrifice his life. So the Englishman gets up and yells, “Long live the Queen!!” and throws himself out of the plane. The pilot says that they are still losing altitude, and that someone else has to jump. The Frenchman jumps up and yells “Sacre bleu!” and jumps off the plane. The pilot, now utterly terrified, announces that one more person must jump if the others are to be saved. The Texan promptly jumps up, yells “Remember the Alamo!!!” and tosses out the Mexican.

My jokes are the worst. :)

area all sitting around one day, talking about the best way to have sex with goats.

The Chiefs fan insists on wearing cowboy boots. “Just put each hindleg in one of your boots and they can’t get away.”

Despite giving an appreciative nod, the Chargers fan believes there is a better way. “Take em to the cliffs overlooking the sea and do it right at the edge. They back up into you to keep from falling over the edge. Combined with the sea-tinged air, its bliss.”

The Chiefs fan admires this suggestion, but the raider fan shakes his head sadly at the two. “That’s terrible,” he says, “Neither of you really knows how to have sex with sheep.”

“Well?” they asked. “Missionary,” he replied simply. Their quizzical looks prompted him to add, “Well, how else are you gonna kiss em??”

This thread has danger written all over it…

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer are all out enjoying a round of golf, but they end up stuck behind the slowest, worst group of golfers they have ever seen. After nearly two hours of constant stops and starts to their game, the pastor stops a greenskeeper and asks him about the group ahead of them.

“Oh, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight last year saving the clubhouse from a terrible fire, and so the Golfcourse offered them free golf any day of the week.”

The pastor is visibly shaken. “That’s terrible,” he says. “I think I’ll say a prayer for them, and my next sermon will be about the great work that these men and women do for our communitites.”

The Doctor agrees with the sentiment, and adds, “I know of some cutting edge research being done in this field. I think I’ll make a recommendation to see if these fine gentlemen can receive treatment in the program.”

The engineer, the most frustrated by the delays to the game, studies the firemen wandering around the golf course, and eventually asks, “Why weren’t they told to golf at night?”

Bartender: “We have a drink named after you.”

Grasshopper: “You have a drink called "Steve”? ?

what looks good on an NFL agent?

A doberman.

Guy goes up to a bartender and tells the bar tender he has an amazing trick he can do, bartender asks, “What is it?” Guy says, I can piss in a shot glass from ten feet away and not spill a drop. Bartender says, “BS, nobody can do that.” Guy says, I’ll bet you $500 dollars that I can piss in that shot glass behind you standing on this bar stool." Bartender laughs and says, “OK, your on”

Guy jumps up on the bar stool, pulls out his unit and starts pissing all over the place, he pisses on the bar, on the stools, on the wall, on the ceiling, on the bar tender, not a drop lands in the shot glass.

Bartender laughs and says, “Payup fool”

Guy says, “OK, just a minute,”

Guy walks over to three guys playing pool and talks to them and comes back laughing and hands the bartender $500.

Bartender says, “Why are you laughing, you just lost $500.”

Guy says," Cause, I just bet those guys over there a $1,000 each that I could come over here, piss on your bar, piss on the walls, piss on the floor, and even piss on you and you wouldn’t do anything about it and in fact you would be happy about it."

Rich old gent is dying. He knows the old saw about how you can’t take it with you, but who knows? He calls in his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer, and gives them each an envelope with 20 thousand in cash, and makes them promise they will put the envelopes in his casket when the time comes.
At the funeral, all three go to the casket and put the envelopes in. Afterwards, the three are talking, and the priest says: “I have a confession to make. Our parish is desperately in need of money, so I kept 5 thousand and just put 15 in the casket.” The Doctor confesses that, because his free clinic was desperate for money, he kept 10 thousand and only put 10 in the casket.
The lawyer was outraged, and he told them so: “I’m outraged at your behavior, and I want you to know that I put in a check for the entire 20 thousand!”

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won’t be able to tell the difference. The guy downs the Scotch and says: “This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch.”
Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks it down and says, “That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch.”

So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.

The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, “Now this is forty-year old Scotch!” The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.

An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, “Here, take a swig of this.”

The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. “My God! That tastes like piss,” he yells.

“Great guess,” says the drunk. “Now, how old am I?”

A guy runs into a bar and says, “Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!”
So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other.

“Man,” the bartender says, “I’ve never seen anyone drink shots that fast!”
“You’d drink them that fast too if you have what I have,” the guy says.

“Oh my God,” says the bartender, “what do you have?”

“50 cents.”

Arab Sheikh is touring the States with his 12 wives. Runs low on money in New York. Has a proposition for a theater owner – he’ll make love to all his wives, one after another, on stage. Owner agrees, and promotes the big night. Sheikh does great through wife 9, but falters at wife 10, and can’t get it done with wife 11. Audience is ticked off, demands their money back. Owner asks the Sheikh what went wrong? Sheikh: I don’t understand it – everything went fine at dress rehearsal this afternoon.

Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it’s just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.
 
Chuck Norris does not have chest hair, he has millions of highly venomous nematocysts. You have virtually no chance of surviving the venomous sting, unless treated immediately. The pain is so excruciating and overwhelming that you would most likely go into shock and collapse a split second before getting hit in the face with a roundhouse kick.

Man rubs a magic lamp and a geanie appears.

Man asks the geanie if he gets three wishes.

Geanie says yes but your wife gets double of what you get.

Man says great.

1st Wish I want a million dollars, poof man gets a million dollars and the geanie gives the wife $2 million.

2nd Wish, I want a Mansion, poof he gets a massion and the wife gets two.

3rd Wish, Geanie, beat me half to death.

become a football team? when you’re travis henry, and you have twins! can we get a hardy congrats to the man, i’m just tickled with googliness, aren’t you?

i don’t think it was a joke at all, but i laughed pretty damn hard at this one. while i am cutler’s fiercest supporter as qb of the broncos, and don’t give a shit about his perceived personality/public image, this is just over the top laughable. hope you enjoy it. from broncotalk comments, name omitted:

 An open letter to Jay Cutler from a Jay Cutler Fan …

What’s up JC … as I write to I just wanted to let you know I can’t hold back the tears as I may know you may soon be a former Bronco. I hate McDaniel’s for even considering trading you! I don’t think he realizes you are the only bright light in the pile of garbage assembled on this team. The defense has always let you down, it was never you’re fault. Why aren’t we trading spoiled loudmouth players such as Champ or Elvis, I mean they play for themselves and not the Fans and the TEAM like you do Jay.

God I’m breaking up again… Jay you have lead them team to never before seen heights, I mean come on you did it with 7 RB’s and now defense , and of course our WR’s running the wrong routes. I still remember the Buffalo game, BMarsh was probably still hung over running the wrong route which led to you’re INT at the 2 yard line. Personally I think he was trying to make you look bad, so you wouldn’t get paid and he could get a bigger signing bonus this off-season. And the San Diego game, I mean I don’t even want to talk about that, the D was horrible … Champ looked like an crippled old man, god we really need to get rid of losers like that off the team, all they do is complain and make excuses, but not you Jay … you’re a freaking Warrior man. Only elite quarterback such as yourself can see the opening in triple coverage, and only you can gun it in there… Elway is just jealous. Please don’t go JC what am I going to do without you? We have punks like Eddie Royal, Peyton Hillis, and Ryan Clady they show not even a fraction of your greatness or heart .

Jay…Did I mention I love your hair? Bowlen has lost his mind, it was good of you to blow him off, and who does he think he is… just because he owns the team doesn’t mean he controls it! Jay we know this is you’re show, Shanny has taught you well. Please JC you have to stay in order to fulfill all of our dreams for you, this team will self destruct without you, there is NO WAY … we would be able to go forward, we will a laughing stock.

Jay, I have to say you were right about Bates, I mean the man is a genius he is going to tear up the NFL one day. We all know the greatest his father showed in forming our defense, only to have it destroyed this year by Slowik. You were right to be mad, I mean come on they expect you to learn a new playbook after you’ve mastered our current one. You dominance was unmatched this year… you had like 40td’s I think, I mean a lot of times you let up, because you didn’t want to show off too much, always so humble Jay that’s why we love you.

So Jay as you can see, we have no one here to replace you. We have overpaid selfish leaders such as Champ still on the team and they consider trading you .. JAY freaking Cutler the greatest QB ever to grace a football field. They try to have McDaniel’s who has NO track record of success at all, I mean has he ever been to a Superbowl? And Bowlen walks around like he’s the boss, what exactly does he do? You have to stay Jay, we can get rid of the others … but you are the Denver Broncos , and we all need you.

Oh and just by the way Jay, did you get the book of cookies I baked for you? They were made into little footballs….let me know how they were. I didn’t get a reply after I tried mailing you, but you probably are busy mentoring Tom Brady the art of the bootleg, ah Jay there’s no off-season for you, god I love your dedication….

Best friends always ,

A Priest and a Rabbi are standing on a street corner in NYC. A 12 year old boy walks by and the Priest says, “man, I’d like to f**k him” and the Rabbi says, “out of what?”

….an old cowpoke is motoring along a country road, doing 75 in a 65. Gets pulled over by a State Trooper, who starts to write out a ticket. Old cowpoke is a bit steamed about this – no one’s on the road, clear day, everyone goes at least 75.
Old cowpoke notices some flies buzzing around the Trooper’s head. Trooper is slapping at them.
Old cowpoke to Trooper: Them circle flies bothering you?
Trooper: Circle flies?
OC: Well, that’s what we call them down on the ranch, cuz they’re always circling around the south end of a horse.
Trooper (angrily): You calling me a horse’s ass?
OC: Oh no, sir. I’d never do that. I have way too much respect for law enforcement to do any thing like that. Trooper, mollified, goes back to writitng out the ticket.
OC: Can’t speak for them flies, though.

Put goalposts in the lawn.

To get their stuff back.

and the hens weren’t laying enough eggs., so the Farmer went to town and bought a new rooster. When the cocky young rooster got back he told the old timer to get ready for the stewpot. The old rooster said they needed to compete for cock of the walk by seeing who could win a three lap race around the farmhouse, but he needed a half lap handicap. The young rooster laughed and agreed to let the old timer have the headstart.

Halfway through the first lap the young rooster was gaining fast on the old timer. The Farmer looked up from banging on a fence post and went to get his shotgun. Mrs. Farmer said “What’s the problem?”

Farmer “Don’t know how it happened, but I done wasted more money on another gay rooster.”

… wearing nothing but cling wrap as pants.

The shrink says, “well i can clearly see you’re nuts”

A brain and a set of jumper cables walk into a bar. The brain walks up to the bar and orders a couple of beers. Bartender says, “Sorry i can’t serve you”
Brain replies, “why not?”
Bartender says, “Well, you’re out of your head and your mate over there looks like he’s about to start something”

What happened when the Italian emigrated to Poland?

It raised the IQ of both Countries!

Here is my favorite Craig’s List posting of all time… it is off-color, so I will post link only.. but I highly recommend it…

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/182862349.html

There’s a kid, called Little Johnny. Little Johnny goes to Sunday School with this girl called Little Suzie. Little Suzie always falls asleep during the classes. This one day, when Little Suzie was sleeping, the teacher asked her who created the Universe and everything as we know it? Little Suzie didn’t answer. So Little Johnny took a needle and poked her. This woke Little Suzie up and she screamed “God Almighty!”. Then she fell back asleep. Moments later, the teacher asked Little Suzie another question.“Who do we believe is our Savior?” Little Suzie still didn’t answer. Little Johnny poked her again with the needle and she screamed, “Jesus Christ!” Then she fell back asleep. Moments later, the teacher asked Little Suzie another question, “What did Eve say to Adam after they had their 23rd child?” Still Little Suzie didn’t answer. So Little Johnny, again, poked her with the needle. Little Suzie woke up again in pain and screamed, “If you poke that thing in me one more time, I’m going to take it and break it in half!” The teacher was shocked.

who promply takes child out of room. After awhile the lady demands to see her child. The Doctor
tells her its deformed, and tries to discourage her. She is adamant, and demands to see her child.
Finally the Doctor gives in and brings the baby back in the room and shows it to the lady. The lady
screams, and says my God its just an Eye——The Doctor says thats only the half of it—-Its Blind…….

asks the owner I would like to buy an Elway jersey! The owner says we ONLY sell raiders gear here. The Bronco Fan walks out. Five minuets later he walks back in and asks to buy an Elway jersey. The owner gets a little steamed and says WE ONLY SELL RAIDERS GEAR HERE! The man smiles and walks out. another five minuets pass and he walks back into the store and says I would like to buy an Elways jersey. The Owner, in his kindest language says “Look you @%^* $%&^$%&%^&%^^ @#$!%$*(&%^$% $%^%*^$^$%^$%*^%*^%*%^$^$^ little &(#@$ #$&$&#W%! @$#&^%&$*&(^ WE ONLY SELL RAIDERS GEAR HERE and next time you come in here if you ask me for another #$$^%^ Bronco thing I am going to Shoot you with my silver and black shot gun!” The man smiles and walks out. Five minuets later this guy walks back in. The owner looks and thinks man I knew donkey fans were dumb. The man asks “You sell raiders gear?” The Owner says yes. “Every type of raiders gear ever?” owner says yes. “well how a bout a black and silver shot gun you got one of them one with the raider logo right on the buttstock?” The owner frowns and says no. “Well do you have an Elway Jersey?”

the Rottweiler knows when to let go.

have been lost at sea for days and days and just when they thought there was no hope of rescue they come across a bottle floating in the water. Jones opens it up and a genie pops out. The genie explains that since he can only grant 3 wishes they may each have one. Smith says “Well I wish I was back with my team in San Diego”, and poof he disappears. Jerry Jones says “I wish I was back with my team in Dallas” and he disappears too. Al Davis looks around and says “Gee it’s lonely out here, I wish my friends were back”.