BREAKING: More Cutler-McDaniels Drama (SATIRE ALERT, Just In Case).

A source close to the situation has informed me that the seed of recent tensions between Broncos' star QB Jay Cutler and new head coach Josh McDaniels was planted all the way back in early January... of 1993.  Speaking to me only on condition of anonymity, the source said - that after seeing his introductory press conference - Cutler couldn't shake the feeling that he had met McDaniels when he was younger.  "I was with Jay when he saw [the press conference] and I noticed he was shaking a bit" the source told me, "and when I asked him if he was OK he told me that he thought he looked familiar".  A few days later, it hit him: Josh McDaniels was the man that ran over then ten-year-old Jay Cutler's beloved dog Buddy.

As a small child in Santa Claus, Indiana, Cutler loved nothing more than playing with his black labrador retriever Buddy.  Jack Cutler, Jay's father, said the two were "inseparable" and seemed noticeably upset when I asked about the dog's untimely demise.  "Poor Jay was inconsolable for weeks after that" Jack said, while choking back tears.  He too thinks that the driver of the car with an Ohio license plate that ran Buddy over was probably McDaniels.  "I heard him chuckle a couple of times while speaking to the media when he got the Broncos job and it sounded an awful lot like the sickening laugh that came from that car as it sped away".

Josh McDaniels returned my calls after some time, but was guarded in his responses.  "Back in January of 1993, I was 17-years-old and I did have a learner's permit, but I cannot confirm nor deny the fact that I drove from Ohio where I lived to Indiana at any time".  He added that "if I ever ran over any animal, it would have approached me and not the other way around; in other words, I would not have initiated any potential contact between my vehicle and an animal of any kind".  Even though sources that were close to McDaniels at the time claim that he often spoke of heading out to Santa Claus, Indiana and running over some kid's dog, McDaniels insists that he loves animals and would never do anything to hurt them.  He also said that Cutler is the team's quarterback now, hiding the phrase "for now" beneath obviously fake coughs.

Jay Cutler was eager to talk and actually reached out to me before I even had a chance to call him for comment.  After shaking the initial disappointment of not being able to appear on camera and approximately an hour of illustrating his hurt feelings via multiple metaphors, similes and even some epic poetry, Cutler asserted that not only was he sure it was Josh McDaniels who ran over Buddy, but that he did it on purpose.  Once I gave him the numbers of several of my peers so that he could further get the word out about this latest complication, he had only one more thing to add before hanging up: "I can't be sure of this, but I think he may have somehow given me Diabetes, too".

Obviously the trade rumors from earlier in this offseason were just the tip of the iceberg and it is now a foregone conclusion that Jay Cutler and the Broncos will part ways.  Every media and pseudo-media outlet (yes, even blogs) will continue to cover this true, meaningful and completely non-manufactured stroy incessantly until the inevitable comeback we force.  God help them all...