1. Detroit: In a rare fit of common sense, the Lions realize that a great LT will help nearly anyone they put behind center.
Jason Smith OT, Baylor
2. St. Louis: After a near brain-fart with the rank odor of Stafford, the Rams also give in to common sense and take a player that will start somewhere on their O-line for a decade.
Eugene Monroe OT, Virginia
3. Kansas City: After discovering that it's a lot easier to trade picks in the late 20s that the top 5, Scott Pioli surprises everyone and decides to complement Bowe on the other side. Matt Cassel goes to the equipment manager for one size larger jock.
Michael Crabtree WR, Texas Tech
4. Seattle: Hasselbeck's injury history and age prompt the Seahawks to get a QB to groom whilst the grooming is good. Matthew Stafford starts thinking about the cookies in the green room.
Mark Sanchez QB, USC
5. Cleveland: Well, Seattle has shot down their deal in place with the Redskins, and despite his perceived love of Jay Cutler, Snyder doesn't want Stafford. Luckily the 'safest' pick in the draft has fallen to the Browns.
Aaron Curry LB, Wake Forrest
6. Cincinnati: Having scoured the various penal league's for a talented felon in vain, the Bengals decided to go with the biggest character risk from the college ranks instead.
Andre Smith OT Alabama
7. Oakland: Al hands Tom Cable the card. In his other hand his chromed cattle-prod gleams maliciously. The card reads, "Darrius Heyward-Bey, SFG (super-fast guy to you), Maryland. Tom whines, "Awwww, boss......" Al raises the cattle-prod menacingly and says, "Make the pick sonny or you're up shit creek without a paddle!" A clever gleam shines in Tommy Boy's eyes, "Paddle? What's a paddle boss? You mean like the on hanging in your office for when we're bad????" Al glares and rasps out, "No you idiot, a paddle like an oar! Straighten up or I'll fire you ya moron!" Ol' Tom jumps up and runs for the podium. "Oher!!! Yes sir, Mr Davis, SIR!!!!!"
Michael Oher OT, Ole Miss
8. Jacksonville: In another burst of common sense, Jack Del Rio reasons that David Garrard might be more effective if he actually had someone to throw the friggin' ball to. Staining his brain, he works the equation out and realizes that Matthew Stafford will probably be awful without such a player so what's the point of picking him?
Jeremy Maclin WR, Missouri
9. Green Bay: Rapidly reassessing the suitability of their interior defensive linemen to play NT in a 3-4, the Packers flip BJ Raji the bird and take the athletic freak who will play rush OLB.
Brain Orakpo DE/OLB, Texas
10. San Francisco: ESPN has been following Matt Stafford since the Seattle pick. Somewhere in the middle of Oakland's turn Matt whips out his cell phone and maniacly stabs at the numbers. Within moments of beginning to talk, tears begin to leak from the corners of his eyes. As Green Bay goes on the clock, Matt slides under the table. From the depths huge, wrack sobs begin to emerge. As the clock winds down on San Fran, Mike Singletary himself walks to the podium arm in arm with Roger Goodell and states, "We feel Matt Stafford has taken great strides in beginning deal with his parents divorce. With the strict understanding that he will continue to undergo intense therapy, he's our guy!"
Matthew Stafford QB, Georgia
11. Buffalo: The Bills are mad. They were sure one of those LTs would fall to them. After calmly ordering the execution of their spy in the Raiders war room, the Bills make the first major reach for need in the draft.
Brandon Pettigrew TE, Oklahoma State
12. Denver: Sith Lord Darth McD lets his blue and orange robe slip from his shoulders. At his feet the dying virgin gasps her last breath as the last of her blood flows across the pentagram painted on the Dove Valley floor. In the candlelight McD reaches for the phone as general managers and head coaches of teams picking in the top eleven suddenly feel free, as if they had been cut loose from dangling puppet strings. Sith Lord McD smiles as his plans to murder and replace Sith Master Darth BillB on October 11th continue to unfold.
B.J. Raji DT, Boston College
13. Washington: Dan Snyder is throwing a temper tantrum. All the equipment in the war room is shattered as Dan rages against the foiling of his man-crush for Sanchez. Mora shall pay!!!! And that damn Pioli insisted on fair value!!!! Meanwhile Jim Zorn has to resort to smoke signals to get their pick to the podium as the phones are toast.
Everette Brown DE, Florida State
14. New Orleans: Despite Sean Payton's desire to give more toys to his offense, he gives into the part of himself that insists his offense will look even better if they don't have to score eighty-billion points to win.
Brian Cushing LB USC
15. Houston: Jedi Master Kubiak rededicates himself to making his army great as he mourns the death of the mighty leprechaun of the force who taught him, Mastermind Yoda Shanahan. He decides that the greatest lesson he learned from his master is the one the master never learned himself. The DL is a Jedi's lightsaber, make it hum and slice as greatly and brightly as you can. With that he adds a bookend for Mario Williams.
Robert Ayers DE, Tennessee
16. San Diego: A.J. Smith hangs up the phone, satisfied at his decision. As he walks back toward the conference table a strange voice enters his head, "No A.J., no. Take Rey Rey. Take Rey Rey. He's the next Say-Ow! Do it, do it, do it!!!" A.J. spins on his heel, intent on picking up that phone. Instead his slick loafers cause him to fall. He cracks his head on the conference table and has a nice long nap.
Tyson Jackson DE, LSU
17. New York Jets: Turns out Rex Ryan wasn't kidding when he said he was satisfied with the QBs on the roster. That, and he can't stand to take one of those offensive pansies in the first round no matter how much sense it might make.
Rey Maualuga LB, USC
18. Denver: Sith Lord Darth McD rages at his foiled manipulation of the that clumsy dolt, A.J. Smith. Get a decent pair of shoes, moron!!!! After meditating in his hatred until the clock is down to thirty seconds, Lord McD goes with his next favorite defensive option.
Clay Matthews LB, USC
19. Tampa Bay: Raheem hands Gandalf a hundred dollar bill. "Thanks man, I knew you could do it. And yeah, I'll be there to give that inspirational speech to the hobbits of Shire Local eleventy-one!"
Josh Freeman QB, Kansas State
20. Detroit: "The Schwartz is with us!" scream Lions fans everywhere.
Peria Jerry DT, Ole Miss
21. Philidelphia: Andy Reid needs to change his shorts when he sees who fell to them all the way at #21. He wonders if that Sith Lord at #18 really knows what he's doing.
Malcolm Jenkins CB, Ohio State
22. Minnesota: Well, the QBs are gone and the remaining receivers don't do much for Brad Childress. Instead he decides to ride that Adrian Petersen horse as hard and far as he can by picking a mauler to play right tackle.
Phil Loadholt OT, Oklahoma
23. New England: Sith Master Darth BillB feels the tickle of his apprentice's ambition and decides he better get on the friggin' ball. The legendary clone army at linebacker is aging or banished, but a new generation has been seeded in Jerod Mayo. Darth keeps it going.
Clint Sintim LB, Virginia
24. Atlanta: Grand Moff Dimitroff goes with the axiom of the Dark Side. Versatility, versatility, versatility. And if it's athletic, so much the better.
Sean Smith DB, Utah
25. Miami: Tuna don't like them prima dona WRs, and his mauler at RT is surprisingly gone to Minnesota. He knows he should replace the prodigal son at CB, gone to Denver but just can't get past his boner for linebackers.
Connor Barwin LB, Cinncinati
26. Baltimore: Harbaugh decided to use Flacco's arm and some speed to stretch the field. A ton of Baltimore fans groan. They've wanted a receiver for a long time, but come on!!! Meanwhile, Rex Ryan giggles while wondering if he'd make a good Santa Claus if this head coach thing don't work out.
Darrius Heyward-Bey WR, Maryland
27. Indianapolis: Prince Peyton doesn't want to betray his good buddy, Jeff Saturday, by bringing in a youngster at center. Instead His Highness insists on Bob Sanders injury insurance.
Louis Delmas S, Western Michigan
28. Buffalo: They can't believe that the first of the second tier LTs has fallen to the end of the round. Hosanas and Hallelujahs warm the frigid spring air of upstate NY. Management breaths a sigh of relief that they may be able to fix the silliness of trading a darn good left tackle. Eben Britton bursts into tears as the card is read. I thought it was meeeeee!!!!" he screams in anguish.
William Beatty OT, UConn
Roger Goodell finally stops pouting as he gets to announce a first round trade. "Well I like surprising people!" he explains. Unfortunately, nobody is really that surprised. New York send the 29th pick in the 2009 draft to Cleveland for Braylon Edwards.
29. Cleveland: Browns fans are amazed but overjoyed when incompetence doesn't completely win out. Management doesn't downgrade from Braylon Edwards to Hakeem Nicks. Instead they go with the best player to fill a genuine need.
Vontae Davis CB, Ilinois
30. Tennessee: The Titans come up with another first-round head-scratcher when they fail to draft a legitimate WR for the 50th consecutive draft. Instead they reach a bit to replace Haynesworth. Luckily for Titans fans, Jeff Fischer's head-scratchers have a way of working out.
Ron Brace DT, Boston College
31. Arizona: Ken Wisenhunt falls to his knees and flings praises to the football gods. He, and everyone else who follows the NFL draft, can't believe that they get their pick of RBs. While there are no actually orgasms in the Cardinals' war room, it's a close thing.
Knowshon Moreno RB, Georgia
32. Pittsburgh: The blue-collar Steelers remain the blue-collar Steelers. Seriously, how can you say something clever when it comes to boring winners like Pittsburgh?
Alex Mack C, California