Fleshing out La-La-Land

An interesting time right now on MHR.  Along with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, it kinda seems like now we also have The-Place-In-Our-Hopes-and-Dreams-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named.  But, self-appointed authorities (i.e., not duly appointed) wagging their collective fingers in my face have never been able to get me to do anything but jump off the deep end opposite them, so I'm forging right ahead.

We all talk about La-La-Land, we all (supposedly) want it, but what would that look like?

That's what I'm about to tell you.  To those who think we have handed Seattle a top-10 pick next year, before you pop the blood thinners while reading this, keep in mind: this is 80% entertainment, and 20% what I genuinely believe.  Think of it as Rush Limbaugh.

And if I get even one comment about He-Whom-I-Just-Named, I'll steal those blood thinners from you.

Sunday, September 13th-- CINCINNATI BENGALS

The Broncos open their season on a sunny day to a screaming crowd of Bengals hopefuls.  In the period between the draft and the season opener, Andre Smith has ballooned to 365, Rey Maualuga has pictures of him partying drunk flying all over the Internet, and Michael Johnson has answered calls for consistent play by inserting a clause in his contract stating that he will only play when he feels like it.  Seriously.  He will stand on the sidelines, wait until the mood strikes him, and then demand to be put in the game.  In other news, Chad Ochocinco has changed his name to Chaz Funfundachtzig.  The Pussycat Dolls will have to wait another year, at least.  Highlight reels show Brian Dawkins flattening Cedric Benson in the backfield.

Broncos win, 21-13   (1-0)

Sunday, September 20th-- CLEVELAND BROWNS

The Broncos get a great opportunity to get their feet wet and slope the learning curve against two teams who have no semblance of a running game.  Only now, they get the added benefit of making poor Brady Quinn look like a complete idiot, as the Brownies are forced to through the ball early and often.  Braylon Edwards drops 5 passes, one right into Alphonso Smith's hands, who returns it for a touchdown.  The offense is starting to hum a bit more, and the secondary shows its mettle by getting 3 interceptions.  Highlight reels show Peyton Hillis carrying the pile with him from the 1-yard line for a touchdown.

Broncos win, 28-6    (2-0)

Sunday, September 27th-- OAKLAND RAIDERS

There have been two surprises in the NFL season so far: the Broncos are better than anyone thought, and the Raiders are better than anyone thought.  DHB still is a waste of a #7 pick, and is embarrassed on one play where his footwork allows Andre' Goodman to get in front of him and steal the ball away.  Javon Walker doesn't even touch the ball due to the Champ blanket he wears.  Darren McFadden gets about equal touches with Michael Bush, and makes things scary for us for a while.  JaMarcus Russell gets some solid stats from 3-7 yards from scrimmage, but 10+ yards is ugly.  Highlight reels show Elvis Dumervil standing over Russell after a particularly nasty sack.

Broncos win, 28-24   (3-0)

Sunday, October 4th-- DALLAS COWBOYS

Are the Dallas Cowboys better without Terrell Owens?  Well, yes, but "better" looks like the NFC East version of the 2008 Bears: Jason Witten leads the team with 5 catches for 80 yards and a TD, Felix Jones leads the team in rushing with 10 carries for 50 yards and a TD, plus 3 catches for 45 yards.  Marion Barber fares much worse, with 18 carries for 62 yards.  It is becoming clear that our run D is great against heavy, pound-it-down-your-throat kind of guys but struggles against the faster, more elusive guys.  It's also becoming apparent that we are an opportunistic defense, winning the turnover battle 3:1, bringing our total to an astounding +7 so far.  Highlight reels show David Bruton pancaking Jones on a kickoff return attempt, leaving him motionless on the 6-yard line.

Broncos win, 24-14   (4-0)

Sunday, October 11th-- NEW ENGLAND

What a difference four games make.  The MSM is now all but proven wrong in their predictions for the Broncos' season, so rather than man up and admit it, they focus in on this game as the next big thing, and let their collective man-crush for the Patriots and the East Coast bleed into the Broncos, claiming that McDaniels is little more than Mini-Beli and owes all his success to his mentor.  Predictably, they absolutely twitch with anticipation.  An unnamed source close to the situation at the Denver Post  cites infallible knowledge that states that McDaniels is practicing a voodoo curse on Bill Belichick.  Unfortunately, while Neckbeard produces an admirable fight, Brady to Moss in the end proves too much for our heroes.  Highlight reels show Knowshon Moreno hurdling Jerod Mayo for a 40-yard gain.

Broncos lose, 20-21   (4-1)

Monday, October 19th-- SAN DIEGO

Fired up and pi**ed off, this game is a reverse repeat of December 2008, and on the national prime-time stage.  Orton hooks up with Stokely twice, Sheffler once, and Knowshon once.  Royal leads all with 142 yards receiving.  LDT is back to 2007 form, but it is clear that 2006 is far behind him.  Darren Sproles is already injured, having torn a hamstring in Week 4.  Phillip Rivers is solid but unspectacular.  Knowshon and Buckhalter combine for 220 yards, and we enter the bye week feeling good.  Highlight reels show "Lights Out" getting his lights knocked out by The Rumblin' Redneck, a la MJD in 2007.

Broncos win, 42-18   (5-1)

Bye Week-- NO ONE

The story of the week off is how good the Broncos are doing, shattering everyone's expectations (everyone who either was a part of the MSM, or who bought what they were selling hook, line, and sinker).  Now comes the real test, say the robots, talking heads, Brett Favre enablers experts who do a fine job reporting on the NFL.

Broncos win

Sunday, November 1st-- BALTIMORE

Well, this year the Ravens aren't taking anyone by surprise... at least, not in a good way.  Joe Flacco regresses in his second year, but it's purely his fault, since Michael Oher is making the Bengals and Bills look like idiots for passing on him.  I suppose you could lay it at the feet of an under-performing receiving corps, but really the loss of Bart Scott and Rex Ryan shows for the Ravens, causing the team to lean too much on Flaccid Flacco, as the boo-birds call him.  A big step backwards for Thug Life Ray Lewis and Co.  Highlight reels show Darcel McBath in a diving interception, netting him his first in the NFL.

Broncos win, 20-6   (6-1)

Monday, November 9th-- PITTSBURG

The Silk Curtain (i.e., the Steelers' offensive line) remains, which spells doom for the defending SB champs this year.  Craig Urbik is helping, but does not provide the anchor that is needed.  Rashard Mendenhall is causing everyone to agree with me that he came out way too early and is a career backup at best.  He fumbles twice, both times picked up by D. J. Williams.  Big Ben is, by this point in the season, already fighting injury, and buzz is building surrounding 2008 pick Dennis Dixon.  In the fourth quarter, Ben is sidelined with a severely sprained wrist on a smashing hit by Jarvis Moss.  Highlight reels replay this moment over and over.  Make that 2-0 on the national stage.

Broncos win, 32-21   (7-1)

Sunday, November 15th-- WASHINGTON

This one is scary, as the Redskins have opened up some serious firepower this season.  Two seasons with the same O-coordinator have let Jason Campbell settle into a groove, and 2008 picks Devin Thomas and Malcolm Kelly are finding their own groove.  Clinton Portis is, as always, a reliable runner.  But now Haynesworth is drawing serious questions about his contract and guaranteed money, and this game only makes that worse.  The O-line lets not a single sack through, and the Broncos WRs have a field day with the Skins.  Problem is, our OLBs let the same thing happen to them.  It's close, but a last-minute 55-yard field goal by Matt Prater ices it.  Highlight reels show Kyle Orton going through six progressions before dumping it down to Kno-Mo, who takes it for a 60-yard score.

Broncos win, 35-33   (8-1)

Sunday, November 22nd-- SAN DIEGO

The AFC West race is tighter than anyone thought it would be, with the Dolts (supposedly, like they do every year) "under"performing and the Faders belying their name.  The one-two punch of Sproles/LDT is nowhere near as potent as everyone thought it would be, and the team must rely on Phillip Rivers.  Again, our OLBs are overmatched but our offensive line makes mincemeat of Larry English and Shawn Merriman.  At this point in the season, no one is questioning the lack of a "true" NT, since Fields plugs some serious holes.  This just in: Villyn still wants man meat.  We now return to the game: this one becomes a shootout, but as we've come to see, the Broncs can play that game well.  Royal and Stokely both go over the century mark.  Highlight reels show Vincent Jackson getting destroyed in the nanosecond before the ball gets to him by a slashing Dawkins.  He drops two more later in the game.

Broncos win, 38-28   (9-1)

Thursday, November 26th-- NEW YORK GIANTS

A short week and some accruing injuries (Boss Bailey, Renaldo Hill, Ben Hamilton) spell disappointment for the Broncos.  Ramses Barden is in the running for O rookie of the year, and Brandon Jacobs is just death to bring down.  Plus, that suffocating defense the Giants have is likely to go down as one of the top 5 all-time.  Super Bowl preview?  Who knows.  Highlight reels show Eddie Royal returning a punt 89 yards for a score shortly after halftime.

Broncos lose, 14-22   (9-2)

Sunday, December 6th-- KANSAS CITY

The Chefs are better than most people thought, and Cassel is shedding the one-year-good-system-wonder label.  The top picks from 2008 and 2009, however, continue to underwhelm.  The Broncos pass rush has an early Christmas against the weak O-line of KC, getting 5 sacks.  Doom and Moss both garner two, and Ayers supplies the final one.  Increased pressure leads to two INTs, with the Phonz returning one for a score.  DROY?  Highlight reel says: yes!

Broncos win, 27-15   (10-2)

Sunday, December 13th-- INDIANAPOLIS

The Colts are fast-becoming last year's news, but because they are a big name and a big market, they and the surging Broncos get prime-time Sunday coverage under the NFL's flexible scheduling.  The Broncs take advantage of it in a big way, exposing the always-suspect Indy run D for the Swiss cheese it is.  Kno-Mo gets a Benjamin rushing and receiving.  Buckhalter breaks 5.0 ypc.  LaMont Jordan gets two goal-line TDs.  Now, we are officially a bandwagon.  Highlight reels show Moreno making 11 guys miss en route to a 62-yard TD.

Broncos win, 35-20  (11-2)

Sunday, December 20th-- OAKLAND

Well, they are who we thought they were.  The Raiders are again the Faders.  Jabba the Russell has eaten Justin Fargas, RunDMC is out again with injury, Javon Walker's knee has spontaneously combusted, and Al Davis's alien masters are trying to fix an incident where he tried to melt off the face of a snarky reporter and accidentally took off his own.  Que sera, sera.  Reports are surfacing of Raiders fans contacting the Large Hadron Collider builders in an attempt to figure out how to create an actual black hole and put it in the stadium, with the intent of having it devour the other team.  Morale in the Bay area is at an all-time low, unless you're in San Francisco, where Smith-to-Crabtree is proving a potent combination.  Highlight reels show Al Davis sacrificing a virgin in the crowd in order to procure a win.

Broncos win, 42-10   (12-2)

Sunday, December 27th-- PHILADELPHIA

Donovan McNabb and Co. are lighting the NFC on fire, with Shady McCoy and Westbrook running the ball like men possessed, Maclin doing his best Eddie Royal impression, and Jason Peters flattening all comers.  The one weak spot is the defense, which looks like... well, the Broncos post-Al-Wilson.  This one also goes to prime time, due to the Broncos having both Dawkins and Buckhalter on the roster.  Philly fans once again show their class and boo Dawkins as he is announced.  Bad idea: highlight reels show him blitzing McNabb for a 12-yard loss, completely silencing the home crowd.

Broncos lose, 22-28   (12-3)

Sunday, January 3rd-- KANSAS CITY

Having locked up the division and home-field advantage, the Broncos sit their starters and we get to see Chris Simms hook up with Kenny McKinley for a fantastic leaping touchdown.  Also, Richard Quinn shows off his hands in the red zone, catching a wide-open TD.  Torain gets some reps, and even finds a way to get his ankle sprained.  In other news, John Clayton is fervently claiming his predictions on the Broncos after the draft were made by his evil twin brother, and he has really been a believer all along.  Even our backups shine, and the highlight reel shows Spencer Larsen playing both sides of the ball with equal aplomb.

Broncos win, 32-18   (13-3)

AND THERE IT IS!  13-3 BABY!!!!!!!!!

The funny thing is, this doesn't seem to be all that incredibly pie-in-the-sky.  A few injuries on other teams, a few less on ours, Orton playing up to his potential, our defense being just as opportunistic as it is designed to be, and it might just happen.  The best part is, I've never mentioned BMarsh, or claimed that our front 7 have lit up the league.  So, this could happen no matter what happens.

But I might be still dreaming.  But isn't that what being a fan is all about?