The Wisdom of Saruman, er, I mean Solomon

Solomon's next column ought to look something like this...

Ten Reasons Why the Broncos Will Fail in 2009

I've received a lot of angry emails, letters, and messages on my palantir, er, I mean my cell phone, about my analyses and predictions for the Denver Broncos this offseason.  But I am supremely confident that I have Sauron, er, I mean the facts, behind me.  Here are ten reasons why I'm right about the Broncos, and all of you hobbits, er, I mean Bronco fans, will be apologizing to me by October.

1) Kyle Orton is short.  Orton is only 2'10", 59 pounds.  Jay Cutler, by contrast, is 8'11", 500 pounds.  How the Broncos could think that was a even trade, I'll never understand.  Orton won't be able to see over his own center before the ball is snapped.  This will make it darn near impossible for him to read defenses.

2) Denver only drafted one defensive lineman from the best crop of defensive linemen in draft history.  My book had the top 156 picks as defensive linemen.  I'm projecting 48 of them to end up in the Hall of Fame.  For the Broncos to ignore this and waste their top draft pick on a complete running back that you can build an entire offense around is the most ridiculous thing I've seen since the Colts thought it was a "good idea" to draft Peyton Manning.

3) Josh McDaniels has an IQ of 37.  I've got the records right here, from the..., uh, ..., the National Register of People's IQs.

4) Denver will collapse on the road late in the season because of their lack of experience in the cold.  As all of us know, Denver is at the Equator, where the weather is good all the time.  This will leave them grossly unprepared for that late season contest in Hawaii.

5) 2 + 2 = 5.  I've done the calculations over and over again.  Math does not lie, folks.

6) Denver has no draft picks for the next nine years.  Thanks to the trade that brought Tony Romo to Denver as a backup long snapper, this team has no future.  And while I applauded that trade, I don't see it panning out until Romo has a few years under his belt as a long snapper.  All that experience at tight end means nothing at this point - he has to start from scratch.

7) (Guest entry by Adam Schein) What Solomon meant is that Denver doesn't have any of Seattle's draft picks for the next nine years.  You know what he meant.

8) Uh.....

9) THIS SPACE FOR RENT

10) Because I'm Solomon Wilcots and I have spoken.  There's no way, simply no friggin' way, that the Broncos are going to win anywhere near even half of their 162 games this season.  They have no relief pitching, no big man to post up against LeBron, and their goaltending is shaky at best.  I predict the Broncos will finish 12th in their division, just behind Ohio State.  This will lead to another tumultuous offseason, in which owner Stan Kroenke will have no choice but to fire McNabb after only one season at the reins.  As sure as the sky is green, the people of North Dakota will be very disappointed in their Broncos this year.  And Earth has three moons.  And the capital of Maryland is Los Angeles.  And amoebas are marsupials.  And...

Adam Schein here again.  You know what he meant.