One Bronco Fan's attempt at humor.
If we can't laugh at ourselves, we are screwed!
Scene: The front of a shiny new autoshop. A young man in a hoodie is standing out front twirling his whistle. A predominantly orange Camaro drives up and parks in the lot.
JM: Hey there, welcome to Josh’s Garage!
BF: Hi, My name is Bronco Fan and I am having some car trouble. I saw that you just opened your garage here and my old mechanic just doesn’t seem to be getting the job done. He’s been working on my car for a long time, but he just can’t seem to get it running properly. Pat, the guy I race for said I should come to you to get it fixed up.
JM: Well my friend, you’ve come to the right place. Ive been turning junkers into racers for a long time now. Just look at this long list of cars I’ve gotten fixed up!
BF: Oh, so did you just move here? Where did you used to have your shop?
JM: Oh, I just opened. But I was the one who made all the cars go at Big Beli’s shop across town.
BF: Great! He has been the best shop in town for 10 years. Did you start the shop with him?
JM: Nope, I was only there about 5 years…But I did a lot for Big Beli!
BF: Oh…Were you his senior mechanic?
JM: Nope…Better. My first year, I got him coffee. Then I hung out with the other guys and listened.
JM: Then I worked on brake pads for a year.
Bf: brake pads?
JM: Yeah that is why I am so good at making cars stop. What you need is a good set of brake pads.
BF: well I think my master cylinder may need new…
JM: Nope…don’t worry about it…as long as you’ve got good pads, it won’t matter.
BF: okay…how about engines…did you work on them?
JM: Oh yeah, the last couple years I worked on the engines. I fixed em up good!
BF: Did you have any special techniques to keep them running?
JM: Yup, Big Beli showed me his manual once. It told me everything I needed to know. That is why he needed me so bad. I really understood that manual.
JM: Last year, I had to replace a Power Stroke diesel with a V6…it was pretty tough, but it worked out.
BF: Oh…did that car win the race?
JM: Nah…but it didn’t suck as much as everyone thought it would.
JM: So Bronco Fan…what can I do for you.
BF: Well, I’ve got this race car and I just can’t seem to win races with it.
JM: Really? How are the brake pads?
BF: The brake pads? Well, I’ve got one pretty good one, but the other 3 are squeaky. We should probably replace them at some point, but I’m here because…
JM: I knew it. Ya always need good break pads. Let me fix that up before we go any further.
BF: (twiddles thumbs while JM goes to work on the break pads)
JM: Okay, you are all fixed up now. You shouldn’t have no trouble stopping any more.
BF: Well, actually…my master cylinder is shot. It’s been spewing brake fluid all over the place and the brakes feel pretty squishy. I keep spinning out because the brakes never engage correctly.
JM: Nope…not a problem. I told you, I replaced the brake pads. It’ll do just fine now.
BF: But…the fluid? The squishy brakes…I can’t stop.
JM: That’s because you didn’t have good pads. You’ve got good ones now. I took them off of some other cars and they have worked well for a long time.
BF: Long Time? You didn’t put new ones on?
JM: Nope, these old ones work better.
BF: Were they on race cars?
JM: One was…the others came off a Fiesta.
BF: Im not so sure about…
JM: I told you, I been doin this a long time and Big Beli said I was the best at it. What else can I do for ya?
BF: Well..I’m still not too sure about the brakes, but I guess while we are at it I could use a tune up on the engine.
JM: Hey, that’s my specialty. What do ya got under the hood there?
BF: Well, a couple years ago we put in a new V8. Its great. Lots of power, can beat anything off the line and it is just starting to get broken in. It ran a little rough for the first few races, but I really feel like it is settling in. It should have a good racing season.
JM: Nope…uh uh…this isn’t gonna work at all. Hey Brian! (JM calls to the guy in the back room) I need a new engine for this car out here. Call across the street for that 4banger we saw yesterday. That one should work real nice in here.
BF: 4 banger?? Excuse me? What are you talking about? This engine is great!
JM: Are you a mechanic?
BF: No…but I drive the car every day and I’m telling you it is great!
JM: If you were a mechanic, you would understand. I told you, I replaced a Power Stroke with a V6 last year and it worked great.
BF: But the Power Stroke was broken…you had to use the V6.
JM: Yup, but I learned my lesson good. No more big powerful engines. 2.5 Liters max.
BF: But…I really like my engine.
JM: Nope…Too big, too much power. You’ll never be able to control it.
BF: Didn’t I hear that Big Beli got his Powerstroke back this year, Goldplated that V6 and gifted it to a friend?
JM: Yup…damn I wanted that V6…you know, that would work real well in here. Nah never mind. This 4 should work great!
BF: But I waited 7 years to get an engine like this one.
JM: Get in and turn the key.
JM: Turn the key.
BF: (gets in the car and turns the key, nothing happens) It isn’t starting.
JM: See…that engine ain’t no good. You try to get it to do something, and it won’t even start for ya.
BF: (Looking under the hood) You disconnected the battery cable. Just put that back in place and it will be fine.
JM: Nope, these here V8’s are touchy. Once you’ve started to work on ‘em, they’ll never run for you again. (JM moves the hoist over and starts lifting on the engine.)
BF: Wait a minute… aren’t you at least gonna loosen the mounting bolts?
JM: What? Nah…don’t worry about it. I took a copy of Big Beli’s manual. It tells me how to put the new engine in. (the engine springs loose with a metallic squeal as the engine mounts tear giant gouges in the compartment)
BF: (Looks like BF is about to throw up. Came in here for a brake job and now the engine compartment looks like a war zone.)
JM: Hmm…now what am I gonna use to mount this engine (JM has the tiny 4 cylinder engine from a Kia Spectra dangling over the massive engine compartment. Reaches for the duct tape.) Here we go…this’ll work.
BF: What? You are gonna use Duct Tape?
JM: Yeah, it worked last year. We didn’t have time to weld up a new mounting frame over at Big Beli’s so I just wrapped that sucker in duct tape and dropped er in. It took a while for it to start running right, but when it did, it sure did do what I told it.
BF: But I don’t have a race for a long time. We can build a new mounting frame!
JM: Nah…no need. This’ll work just as well. (as he continues to tape the tiny engine onto the firewall.)
BF: Are you done yet? I really liked the old engine last year. I almost had all the bugs out.
JM: (Angrily) Did the old engine start for you?
JM: Just now, when I told you to start it. Did it start for you?
BF: No…but you had pulled the battery cable. If you had just put it back on, it would have…
JM: No, trust me. Once that battery cable is pulled, ya gotta chuck that engine. Look across the street.
BF: (Looks across the street at a garage called "the Love Shack".) What about it? Should I have gone there?
JM: Nope, he is the one who sold me this Kia engine. Said it worked great. Threw in a new set of shocks and some fuzzy dice too!
BF: What did you give him for it?
JM: Your Engine. Oh…there he goes now.
BF: (Bronco fan steps towards the window and sees a custom mustang spinning cookies and doing burnouts in the street.) Will my car be able to do that when you are done?
JM: No, you don’t want a car that can do that. Don’t worry about it. Lovie needs new tires on that thing. He’s got one pretty good one and I threw in another with the deal. The others are brand new and totally untested. You’ll never win a race that way.
BF: (Turning back to the engine compartment of his car.) Are you sure about this? You have a nice used V6 over there on the shelf. Wouldn’t that be better?
JM: Nope. I got this one from Lovie. It is the one I wanted. I could have traded your engine to ANYBODY and gotten a new V8 or a good V6. I wanted this little 4banger. Trust me.
BF: But I saw that one over there run pretty well a few years ago. It won a lot of races.
JM: Yeah, but this one here…this one will do whatever I...er, you want.
BF: Okay…I guess if Big Beli says you know what you are doing.
JM: (Turns and yells to the back room) Hey Brian, have you gotten that supercharger sold yet?
BF: What? Supercharger? Are you talking about my supercharger? We just got that thing a couple years ago. It takes some maintenance, but when it is running, I get an extra 100 hp out of it.
JM: Nah…I was trying to put it on your new engine and it just didn’t fit. If you had a big V8 or something, then maybe it would work.
BF: But….I had a V8…
JM: Trust me, you don’t need this supercharger. Takes too much gas. And lets be honest, with this 4 cylinder engine, you won’t be winning any races with your speed.
BF: (BF's jaw drops) Then…how will I win?
JM: Control! That is the key. You have to have 100% control over your car to win races.
BF: That is why I came here. I needed a brake job to steady it around the corners.
JM: That’s one way to keep control. Do you know the BEST way to have solid control over your car?
BF: Whats that?
JM: Go Slow.
BF: Slow? But isn’t the objective to go fast?
JM: No, the objective is to win. This baby here, she will never fight you. You will be in total control.
BF: But don’t I have to get to the finish line first to win?
JM: Yup. And you will.
BF: So how is this going to make me faster?
JM: Silly Bronco Fan…you haven’t been listening at all. You go faster by being in control.
BF: So…what is my top speed now?
JM: Oh…I’d say that with some good gas and a strong tailwind…you should be able to get up to 60mph or so.
BF: 60! Last year I could average 120mph, my problem was that I kept rubbing the walls because my brakes weren’t working!
JM: Trust me , you won’t be getting anywhere near the walls this year. I put some good pads on there, remember?
BF: (Opens the drivers door and gets in. He crosses his fingers and turns the ignition.) Whats that sound?
JM: What sound?
BF: The engine is knocking. It sounds like it’s misfiring.
JM: That’s just here in the garage. Once you get out on the road, it will be fine.
JM: Yeah…trust me. Let me give you a push up the driveway, you probably will notice a little less torque than you had before.
BF: A push?
JM: Well what do you expect…for this kind of control, you have to make some sacrifices. Just bring a friend to give you a push-start at the stoplights. You’ll be fine!
JM: By the way, I noticed that your brakes are a little soft. Come back next week and we will replace those pads!
BF: What the hell just happened here?