FanPost

The 2009 Broncos Offseason: A Melodrama

One Bronco Fan's attempt at humor.

If we can't laugh at ourselves, we are screwed!

Scene: The front of a shiny new autoshop.  A young man in a hoodie is standing out front twirling his whistle. A predominantly orange Camaro drives up and parks in the lot.

JM: Hey there, welcome to Josh’s Garage! 

BF:  Hi, My name is Bronco Fan and I am having some car trouble.  I saw that you just opened your garage here and my old mechanic just doesn’t seem to be getting the job done.  He’s been working on my car for a long time, but he just can’t seem to get it running properly.  Pat, the guy I race for said I should come to you to get it fixed up.

JM: Well my friend, you’ve come to the right place.  Ive been turning junkers into racers for a long time now.  Just look at this long list of cars I’ve gotten fixed up!

BF: Oh, so did you just move here?  Where did you used to have your shop?

JM: Oh, I just opened.  But I was the one who made all the cars go at Big Beli’s shop across town.

BF:  Great!  He has been the best shop in town for 10 years.  Did you start the shop with him?

JM: Nope, I was only there about 5 years…But I did a lot for Big Beli!

BF: Oh…Were you his senior mechanic?

JM:  Nope…Better.  My first year, I got him coffee.  Then I hung out with the other guys and listened.

BF: uh…okay

JM:  Then I worked on brake pads for a year.

Bf: brake pads?

JM: Yeah that is why I am so good at making cars stop.  What you need is a good set of brake pads.

BF: well I think my master cylinder may need new…

JM: Nope…don’t worry about it…as long as you’ve got good pads, it won’t matter.

BF: okay…how about engines…did you work on them?

JM: Oh yeah, the last couple years I worked on the engines.  I fixed em up good!

BF:  Did you have any special techniques to keep them running?

JM:  Yup, Big Beli showed me his manual once.  It told me everything I needed to know.  That is why he needed me so bad.  I really understood that manual.

JM: Last year, I had to replace a Power Stroke diesel with a V6…it was pretty tough, but it worked out.

BF:  Oh…did that car win the race?

JM: Nah…but it didn’t suck as much as everyone thought it would.

BF: Uh…okay

JM: So Bronco Fan…what can I do for you.

BF: Well, I’ve got this race car and I just can’t seem to win races with it.

JM: Really?  How are the brake pads?

BF: The brake pads?  Well, I’ve got one pretty good one, but the other 3 are squeaky.  We should probably replace them at some point, but I’m here because…

JM: I knew it.  Ya always need good break pads.  Let me fix that up before we go any further.

BF: (twiddles thumbs while JM goes to work on the break pads)

JM: Okay, you are all fixed up now.  You shouldn’t have no trouble stopping any more.

BF: Well, actually…my master cylinder is shot.  It’s been spewing brake fluid all over the place and the brakes feel pretty squishy.  I keep spinning out because the brakes never engage correctly.

JM: Nope…not a problem.  I told you, I replaced the brake pads.  It’ll do just fine now.

BF: But…the fluid?  The squishy brakes…I can’t stop.

JM: That’s because you didn’t have good pads.  You’ve got good ones now.  I took them off of some other cars and they have worked well for a long time.

BF: Long Time?  You didn’t put new ones on?

JM: Nope, these old ones work better.

BF: Were they on race cars?

JM: One was…the others came off a Fiesta.

BF: Im not so sure about…

JM: I told you, I been doin this a long time and Big Beli said I was the best at it.  What else can I do for ya?

BF: Well..I’m still not too sure about the brakes, but I guess while we are at it I could use a tune up on the engine.

JM: Hey, that’s my specialty.  What do ya got under the hood there?

BF: Well, a couple years ago we put in a new V8.  Its great.  Lots of power, can beat anything off the line and it is just starting to get broken in.  It ran a little rough for the first few races, but I really feel like it is settling in.  It should have a good racing season.

JM: Nope…uh uh…this isn’t gonna work at all.  Hey Brian! (JM calls to the guy in the back room)  I need a new engine for this car out here.  Call across the street for that 4banger we saw yesterday.  That one should work real nice in here.

BF: 4 banger??  Excuse me?  What are you talking about?  This engine is great!

JM: Are you a mechanic?

BF: No…but I drive the car every day and I’m telling you it is great!

JM: If you were a mechanic, you would understand.  I told you, I replaced a Power Stroke with a V6 last year and it worked great.

BF: But the Power Stroke was broken…you had to use the V6.

JM: Yup, but I learned my lesson good.  No more big powerful engines.  2.5 Liters  max.

BF: But…I really like my engine.

JM: Nope…Too big, too much power.  You’ll never be able to control it.

BF: Didn’t I hear that Big Beli got his Powerstroke back this year, Goldplated that V6 and gifted it to a friend?

JM: Yup…damn I wanted that V6…you know, that would work real well in here.  Nah never mind.  This 4 should work great!

BF: But I waited 7 years to get an engine like this one. 

JM: Get in and turn the key.

BF: What?

JM: Turn the key.

BF: (gets in the car and turns the key, nothing happens) It isn’t starting.

JM: See…that engine ain’t no good.  You try to get it to do something, and it won’t even start for ya.

BF: (Looking under the hood) You disconnected the battery cable. Just put that back in place and it will be fine.

JM: Nope, these here V8’s are touchy.  Once you’ve started to work on ‘em, they’ll never run for you again.  (JM moves the hoist over and starts lifting on the engine.)

BF: Wait a minute… aren’t you at least gonna loosen the mounting bolts?

JM: What?  Nah…don’t worry about it.  I took a copy of Big Beli’s manual.  It tells me how to put the new engine in. (the engine springs loose with a metallic squeal as the engine mounts tear giant gouges in the compartment)

BF: (Looks like BF is about to throw up.  Came in here for a brake job and now the engine compartment looks like a war zone.)

JM: Hmm…now what am I gonna use to mount this engine (JM has the tiny 4 cylinder engine from a Kia Spectra dangling over the massive engine compartment.  Reaches for the duct tape.) Here we go…this’ll work.

BF: What?  You are gonna use Duct Tape?

JM: Yeah, it worked last year.  We didn’t have time to weld up a new mounting frame over at Big Beli’s so I just wrapped that sucker in duct tape and dropped er in.  It took a while for it to start running right, but when it did, it sure did do what I told it.

BF: But I don’t have a race for a long time.  We can build a new mounting frame!

JM: Nah…no need.  This’ll work just as well. (as he continues to tape the tiny engine onto the firewall.)

BF: Are you done yet?  I really liked the old engine last year.  I almost had all the bugs out.

JM: (Angrily) Did the old engine start for you? 

BF: What?

JM: Just now, when I told you to start it.  Did it start for you?

BF: No…but you had pulled the battery cable.  If you had just put it back on, it would have…

JM: No, trust me.  Once that battery cable is pulled, ya gotta chuck that engine.  Look across the street. 

BF: (Looks across the street at a garage called "the Love Shack".) What about it?  Should I have gone there?

JM: Nope, he is the one who sold me this Kia engine.  Said it worked great.  Threw in a new set of shocks and some fuzzy dice too!

BF: What did you give him for it?

JM: Your Engine. Oh…there he goes now.

BF: (Bronco fan steps towards the window and sees a custom mustang spinning cookies and doing burnouts in the street.) Will my car be able to do that when you are done?

JM: No, you don’t want a car that can do that.  Don’t worry about it.  Lovie needs new tires on that thing.  He’s got one pretty good one and I threw in another with the deal.  The others are brand new and totally untested.  You’ll never win a race that way.

BF: (Turning back to the engine compartment of his car.) Are you sure about this?  You have a nice used V6 over there on the shelf.  Wouldn’t that be better?

JM: Nope.  I got this one from Lovie.  It is the one I wanted.  I could have traded your engine to ANYBODY and gotten a new V8 or a good V6.  I wanted this little 4banger.  Trust me.

BF: But I saw that one over there run pretty well a few years ago.  It won a lot of races.

JM: Yeah, but this one here…this one will do whatever I...er, you want.

BF: Okay…I guess if Big Beli says you know what you are doing.

JM: (Turns and yells to the back room) Hey Brian, have you gotten that supercharger sold yet?

BF: What?  Supercharger?  Are you talking about my supercharger?  We just got that thing a couple years ago.  It takes some maintenance, but when it is running, I get an extra 100 hp out of it.

JM: Nah…I was trying to put it on your new engine and it just didn’t fit.  If you had a big V8 or something, then maybe it would work.

BF: But….I had a V8…

JM: Trust me, you don’t need this supercharger.  Takes too much gas. And lets be honest, with this 4 cylinder engine, you won’t be winning any races with your speed.

BF: (BF's jaw drops) Then…how will I win?

JM: Control!  That is the key.  You have to have 100% control over your car to win races.

BF: That is why I came here.  I needed a brake job to steady it around the corners.

JM: That’s one way to keep control.  Do you know the BEST way to have solid control over your car?

BF: Whats that?

JM: Go Slow.

BF: Slow?  But isn’t the objective to go fast?

JM:  No, the objective is to win.  This baby here, she will never fight you.  You will be in total control.

BF: But don’t I have to get to the finish line first to win?

JM: Yup.  And you will.

BF:  So how is this going to make me faster?

JM: Silly Bronco Fan…you haven’t been listening at all.  You go faster by being in control.

BF: So…what is my top speed now?

JM: Oh…I’d say that with some good gas and a strong tailwind…you should be able to get up to 60mph or so.

BF: 60!  Last year I could average 120mph, my problem was that I kept rubbing the walls because my brakes weren’t working!

JM: Trust me , you won’t be getting anywhere near the walls this year.  I put some good pads on there, remember?

BF: (Opens the drivers door and gets in.  He crosses his fingers and turns the ignition.) Whats that sound?

JM: What sound?

BF: The engine is knocking.  It sounds like it’s misfiring.

JM: That’s just here in the garage.  Once you get out on the road, it will be fine.

BF: Really?

JM: Yeah…trust me.  Let me give you a push up the driveway, you probably will notice a little less torque than you had before.

BF: A push?

JM: Well what do you expect…for this kind of control, you have to make some sacrifices.  Just bring a friend to give you a push-start at the stoplights.  You’ll be fine!

BF: But…

JM: By the way, I noticed that your brakes are a little soft.  Come back next week and we will replace those pads!

BF: What the hell just happened here?

This is a Fan-Created Comment on MileHighReport.com. The opinion here is not necessarily shared by the editorial staff of MHR

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