The 2009 Broncos Offseason: A Melodrama

One Bronco Fan's attempt at humor.

If we can't laugh at ourselves, we are screwed!

Scene: The front of a shiny new autoshop.  A young man in a hoodie is standing out front twirling his whistle. A predominantly orange Camaro drives up and parks in the lot.

JM: Hey there, welcome to Josh’s Garage! 

BF:  Hi, My name is Bronco Fan and I am having some car trouble.  I saw that you just opened your garage here and my old mechanic just doesn’t seem to be getting the job done.  He’s been working on my car for a long time, but he just can’t seem to get it running properly.  Pat, the guy I race for said I should come to you to get it fixed up.

JM: Well my friend, you’ve come to the right place.  Ive been turning junkers into racers for a long time now.  Just look at this long list of cars I’ve gotten fixed up!

BF: Oh, so did you just move here?  Where did you used to have your shop?

JM: Oh, I just opened.  But I was the one who made all the cars go at Big Beli’s shop across town.

BF:  Great!  He has been the best shop in town for 10 years.  Did you start the shop with him?

JM: Nope, I was only there about 5 years…But I did a lot for Big Beli!

BF: Oh…Were you his senior mechanic?

JM:  Nope…Better.  My first year, I got him coffee.  Then I hung out with the other guys and listened.

BF: uh…okay

JM:  Then I worked on brake pads for a year.

Bf: brake pads?

JM: Yeah that is why I am so good at making cars stop.  What you need is a good set of brake pads.

BF: well I think my master cylinder may need new…

JM: Nope…don’t worry about it…as long as you’ve got good pads, it won’t matter.

BF: okay…how about engines…did you work on them?

JM: Oh yeah, the last couple years I worked on the engines.  I fixed em up good!

BF:  Did you have any special techniques to keep them running?

JM:  Yup, Big Beli showed me his manual once.  It told me everything I needed to know.  That is why he needed me so bad.  I really understood that manual.

JM: Last year, I had to replace a Power Stroke diesel with a V6…it was pretty tough, but it worked out.

BF:  Oh…did that car win the race?

JM: Nah…but it didn’t suck as much as everyone thought it would.

BF: Uh…okay

JM: So Bronco Fan…what can I do for you.

BF: Well, I’ve got this race car and I just can’t seem to win races with it.

JM: Really?  How are the brake pads?

BF: The brake pads?  Well, I’ve got one pretty good one, but the other 3 are squeaky.  We should probably replace them at some point, but I’m here because…

JM: I knew it.  Ya always need good break pads.  Let me fix that up before we go any further.

BF: (twiddles thumbs while JM goes to work on the break pads)

JM: Okay, you are all fixed up now.  You shouldn’t have no trouble stopping any more.

BF: Well, actually…my master cylinder is shot.  It’s been spewing brake fluid all over the place and the brakes feel pretty squishy.  I keep spinning out because the brakes never engage correctly.

JM: Nope…not a problem.  I told you, I replaced the brake pads.  It’ll do just fine now.

BF: But…the fluid?  The squishy brakes…I can’t stop.

JM: That’s because you didn’t have good pads.  You’ve got good ones now.  I took them off of some other cars and they have worked well for a long time.

BF: Long Time?  You didn’t put new ones on?

JM: Nope, these old ones work better.

BF: Were they on race cars?

JM: One was…the others came off a Fiesta.

BF: Im not so sure about…

JM: I told you, I been doin this a long time and Big Beli said I was the best at it.  What else can I do for ya?

BF: Well..I’m still not too sure about the brakes, but I guess while we are at it I could use a tune up on the engine.

JM: Hey, that’s my specialty.  What do ya got under the hood there?

BF: Well, a couple years ago we put in a new V8.  Its great.  Lots of power, can beat anything off the line and it is just starting to get broken in.  It ran a little rough for the first few races, but I really feel like it is settling in.  It should have a good racing season.

JM: Nope…uh uh…this isn’t gonna work at all.  Hey Brian! (JM calls to the guy in the back room)  I need a new engine for this car out here.  Call across the street for that 4banger we saw yesterday.  That one should work real nice in here.

BF: 4 banger??  Excuse me?  What are you talking about?  This engine is great!

JM: Are you a mechanic?

BF: No…but I drive the car every day and I’m telling you it is great!

JM: If you were a mechanic, you would understand.  I told you, I replaced a Power Stroke with a V6 last year and it worked great.

BF: But the Power Stroke was broken…you had to use the V6.

JM: Yup, but I learned my lesson good.  No more big powerful engines.  2.5 Liters  max.

BF: But…I really like my engine.

JM: Nope…Too big, too much power.  You’ll never be able to control it.

BF: Didn’t I hear that Big Beli got his Powerstroke back this year, Goldplated that V6 and gifted it to a friend?

JM: Yup…damn I wanted that V6…you know, that would work real well in here.  Nah never mind.  This 4 should work great!

BF: But I waited 7 years to get an engine like this one. 

JM: Get in and turn the key.

BF: What?

JM: Turn the key.

BF: (gets in the car and turns the key, nothing happens) It isn’t starting.

JM: See…that engine ain’t no good.  You try to get it to do something, and it won’t even start for ya.

BF: (Looking under the hood) You disconnected the battery cable. Just put that back in place and it will be fine.

JM: Nope, these here V8’s are touchy.  Once you’ve started to work on ‘em, they’ll never run for you again.  (JM moves the hoist over and starts lifting on the engine.)

BF: Wait a minute… aren’t you at least gonna loosen the mounting bolts?

JM: What?  Nah…don’t worry about it.  I took a copy of Big Beli’s manual.  It tells me how to put the new engine in. (the engine springs loose with a metallic squeal as the engine mounts tear giant gouges in the compartment)

BF: (Looks like BF is about to throw up.  Came in here for a brake job and now the engine compartment looks like a war zone.)

JM: Hmm…now what am I gonna use to mount this engine (JM has the tiny 4 cylinder engine from a Kia Spectra dangling over the massive engine compartment.  Reaches for the duct tape.) Here we go…this’ll work.

BF: What?  You are gonna use Duct Tape?

JM: Yeah, it worked last year.  We didn’t have time to weld up a new mounting frame over at Big Beli’s so I just wrapped that sucker in duct tape and dropped er in.  It took a while for it to start running right, but when it did, it sure did do what I told it.

BF: But I don’t have a race for a long time.  We can build a new mounting frame!

JM: Nah…no need.  This’ll work just as well. (as he continues to tape the tiny engine onto the firewall.)

BF: Are you done yet?  I really liked the old engine last year.  I almost had all the bugs out.

JM: (Angrily) Did the old engine start for you? 

BF: What?

JM: Just now, when I told you to start it.  Did it start for you?

BF: No…but you had pulled the battery cable.  If you had just put it back on, it would have…

JM: No, trust me.  Once that battery cable is pulled, ya gotta chuck that engine.  Look across the street. 

BF: (Looks across the street at a garage called "the Love Shack".) What about it?  Should I have gone there?

JM: Nope, he is the one who sold me this Kia engine.  Said it worked great.  Threw in a new set of shocks and some fuzzy dice too!

BF: What did you give him for it?

JM: Your Engine. Oh…there he goes now.

BF: (Bronco fan steps towards the window and sees a custom mustang spinning cookies and doing burnouts in the street.) Will my car be able to do that when you are done?

JM: No, you don’t want a car that can do that.  Don’t worry about it.  Lovie needs new tires on that thing.  He’s got one pretty good one and I threw in another with the deal.  The others are brand new and totally untested.  You’ll never win a race that way.

BF: (Turning back to the engine compartment of his car.) Are you sure about this?  You have a nice used V6 over there on the shelf.  Wouldn’t that be better?

JM: Nope.  I got this one from Lovie.  It is the one I wanted.  I could have traded your engine to ANYBODY and gotten a new V8 or a good V6.  I wanted this little 4banger.  Trust me.

BF: But I saw that one over there run pretty well a few years ago.  It won a lot of races.

JM: Yeah, but this one here…this one will do whatever, you want.

BF: Okay…I guess if Big Beli says you know what you are doing.

JM: (Turns and yells to the back room) Hey Brian, have you gotten that supercharger sold yet?

BF: What?  Supercharger?  Are you talking about my supercharger?  We just got that thing a couple years ago.  It takes some maintenance, but when it is running, I get an extra 100 hp out of it.

JM: Nah…I was trying to put it on your new engine and it just didn’t fit.  If you had a big V8 or something, then maybe it would work.

BF: But….I had a V8…

JM: Trust me, you don’t need this supercharger.  Takes too much gas. And lets be honest, with this 4 cylinder engine, you won’t be winning any races with your speed.

BF: (BF's jaw drops) Then…how will I win?

JM: Control!  That is the key.  You have to have 100% control over your car to win races.

BF: That is why I came here.  I needed a brake job to steady it around the corners.

JM: That’s one way to keep control.  Do you know the BEST way to have solid control over your car?

BF: Whats that?

JM: Go Slow.

BF: Slow?  But isn’t the objective to go fast?

JM:  No, the objective is to win.  This baby here, she will never fight you.  You will be in total control.

BF: But don’t I have to get to the finish line first to win?

JM: Yup.  And you will.

BF:  So how is this going to make me faster?

JM: Silly Bronco Fan…you haven’t been listening at all.  You go faster by being in control.

BF: So…what is my top speed now?

JM: Oh…I’d say that with some good gas and a strong tailwind…you should be able to get up to 60mph or so.

BF: 60!  Last year I could average 120mph, my problem was that I kept rubbing the walls because my brakes weren’t working!

JM: Trust me , you won’t be getting anywhere near the walls this year.  I put some good pads on there, remember?

BF: (Opens the drivers door and gets in.  He crosses his fingers and turns the ignition.) Whats that sound?

JM: What sound?

BF: The engine is knocking.  It sounds like it’s misfiring.

JM: That’s just here in the garage.  Once you get out on the road, it will be fine.

BF: Really?

JM: Yeah…trust me.  Let me give you a push up the driveway, you probably will notice a little less torque than you had before.

BF: A push?

JM: Well what do you expect…for this kind of control, you have to make some sacrifices.  Just bring a friend to give you a push-start at the stoplights.  You’ll be fine!

BF: But…

JM: By the way, I noticed that your brakes are a little soft.  Come back next week and we will replace those pads!

BF: What the hell just happened here?

This is a Fan-Created Comment on The opinion here is not necessarily shared by the editorial staff of MHR

Log In Sign Up

Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Mile High Report

You must be a member of Mile High Report to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Mile High Report. You should read them.

Join Mile High Report

You must be a member of Mile High Report to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Mile High Report. You should read them.




Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.