2009 Offseason Screenplay: The True Story

Before we face the 2010 offseason head on with more and more Mock drafts and Free Agent speculation, let's just take a look back at last offseason. Lots of changes occurred. The biggest thing was the addition of Josh McDaniels. Lots of questions surround him, right now, not only from the MSM, but from MHR, as well.  Was he the right coach for this team? Is he too arrogant to lead this team? Is he losing the locker room? Is he just a Belicheck pawn that was sent to destroy another AFC team? 

Personally, I think that McDaniels has done a great job with one season under his belt. He came to Denver to do one thing and one thing only. Was it to run a pro-bowl QB out of town? No. Was it to sit Peyton Hillis or give Brandon Marshall manly hugs? No. Was it to be far enough away from New England so Bill Belicheck can't make fun of him for wearing sleeves on his hoodies? ..... maybe.

As you'll see from these three actual conversations that definitely occurred, McDaniels real reason for coming to Denver is pretty clear.

Scene 1

Setting: Mike Nolan's house. 

(Mike Nolan is in his home office, drawing up some defensive strategery of some kind. Oh, how his mind works. All of the sudden, the door swings wide open, with a silhouette of Josh McDaniels standing in the doorway.)

McD - "Mike, come with me to Denver so I can win a..."

Nolan - "How did you know where I live? How did you get in here? "

McD - "Um......google maps and.........I broke your window........Can I continue my sentence?"

Nolan - "Sure."

McD - "MF GAME. Thanks. I get frustrated when people interrupt my ranting. I appreciate that you let me fin...."

(Nolan tackles him from behind)

McD - "What in the world was that? Did you just sack me from the blind side? I was staring right at you while I was talking."

Nolan - "Well, you know. My schemes are pretty ridiculous."

McD - "Yeah.........but that is physically impossible. You just..... like....... teleported."

Nolan - "I'm a ninja and I make my defensive players ninjas when I introduce them to my blitzing schemes."

McD - "Seriously?"

Nolan - "No. That's ridiculous. That's my twin, Steve. You are so gullible. I have him hide out and attack people sometimes to mess with their minds."

McD - "Oh, Mike. You and your mind tricks....... Maybe, you can teach me some Jedi mind tricks, someday?"

Nolan - "Sure. It's actually really easy. Just stare really intently at someone like you can see through their soul."

McD - "Oh, cool. I'll try it out, sometime. So, you wanna help me win some MF games in Denver?"

Nolan - "Sure. Steve and I are actually really bored, anyways. Are there people that I can creatively blitz in Denver?"

McD - "I'm sure we can find some people."

End Scene 1

Scene 2

Setting: Jay Cutler's house. Denver, CO

(Jay is sitting by the pool, rubbing sun screen on his left arm. I guess he wanted his right arm to be tan and more attractive. Anyways, Josh McDaniels comes onto the patio, holding a football.)

Jay - "Hey Coach McD. How'd you get in here? Nevermind, I'm just super stoked you're here. Ya know? Welcome to Denver, ya know. How's it going, man?"

McD - "Jay, I just came over to tell you something...... I just wanna win a MF game."

Jay - "Well, ya know, Coach, in a few months, I'll get you about 7 or 8, ya know, how's that sound?"

McD - "No Jay. I wanna win a MF game....... right now."

Jay - "Is that why you are carrying a football with you?"

McD - "Well, I used to be a QB. I wanna play you right now and win a MF game."

Jay - "hahaha. Ya know, I laugh because you challenge my rocket right arm. Ya know, it's the strongest of all time, right?"

McD - "Whatever, Jay. If you wanna be my QB, you have to want to win a MF game, as much as I do. More so than I do, actually. All the time. Constantly. In your sleep and during the day time. Even, when you're treating your diabetes. You need to want to win Madden games and Scrabble games and poker games. Just pretty much any MF game.... you should want to win it."

Jay - "Ya know, well, ya know, if a few wins come when I throw for 8000 yards and 5 TDs, then, ya know, so be it."

McD - "What? You don't wanna win a MF game?"

(Kyle Orton comes onto the deck.)

KO - "Coach McDaniels, I want to win a MF game, sir."

McD - "Cya Jay, this guy wants to win a MF game."

Jay - "What? Why is he even here? Shouldn't he be in Chicago?"

KO - "Dude, it's the offseason. I'm not forced to live in Chicago. You're welcome to go there, if you want, Jay."

McD - "Well....... Jay, do you want to go to Chicago then? You could dress up in a suit and be in a magazine, I bet."

Jay - "Hey, ya know, as long as they, ya know, respect my arm and, ya know, give me some Vandy guys, then sure."

McD - "We'll work out a deal for you, Jay. Don't worry about it. Oh, and make sure you keep saying 'ya know', once you get to Chicago. People in the big city love a man who knows how to use filler words. Ya know?"

End Scene 2

Scene 3

Setting: Denver Broncos Head Quarters. Dove Valley, CO

(Room 104: Conference room. Brian Dawkins, FA, is waiting with his agent for the arrival of Coach McDaniels. Coach McDaniels briskly opens the door and slams it behind him, hurriedly walking right up to the table and slamming a contract on the table.)

McD - "Dawk! All I want to do is win a MF game! Sign this contract!"

Dawk - "Coach, I...... I don't know about this. Can we talk about this, first?"

McD - "Dawk! Sign it! I wanna win a MF game!"

Dawk - "But coach...."

McD - "MF game!"

Dawk - "Coach, please don't swear."

McD - "Dawk......... hey........ Dawk. Listen. One on one. Me and you."

Agent - "And me"

McD - "............. sure. Anyways, Dawk, the team needs you. I got Mike Nolan and Kyle Orton and now, I need you.........TO WIN A MF GAME."

Dawk - "Alright, doggonit. They don't respect us. Let's go out there and TAKE IT!"

Agent - "Wait, Dawk. You haven't even read the contract...."

(McD and Dawk both channel their inner superhero, Jedi and Wolverine, respectively. The agent is forced to sign as witness of the contract because of the effectiveness of the Jedi mind trick and the intimidation of the Wolverine.)

(McD and Dawk chest bump.)

McD - "That was awesome. That totally worked."

Nolan - "I told you it would."

McD - "Whoa, where did you come from? You didn't even get one of those action statements inside parentheses that says 'Mike Nolan enters' or something like that. That's crazy."

(Mike Nolan enters.)

McD - "Nevermind. You're ways are just quicker and more deceptive than the action statements, I guess."

Nolan - "My schemes are quicker and more deceptive...... than anything."

McD - "Why are you in Denver, anyways?"

Nolan - "I work here."

McD - "Oh yeah, I forgot............ Well, let's go win ourselves a MF game."

Fin.

As you can see, all the characters got what they wanted. McDaniels got to win a MF game and learn the almighty power of the Jedi mind trick. Kyle Orton got to win a MF game. Jay Cutler got to show off his arm and hang with his college friends. Dawk got a chance to TAKE IT, DOGGONIT. Mike Nolan (and his twin Steve) got out of the house and won some MF games while being extremely deceptive.

So, who will be the next player to come into Denver with McDaniels? Will his Jedi mind tricks bring even better players and coaches than last offseason? Only time will tell.