If They Were Food -- Week 6 Power Rankings

Well, it's Tuesday night again, and I know you're drooling for another disgusting helping of my power rankings. I don't look at previous rankings in making these, as I care nothing for consistency. Consistency is something other people worry about in their rankings because they actually are crazy enough to feel that the "accuracy" of their ratings somehow affects their ego. Some teams I just rated low because I don't like 'em. They didn't do anything impressive yet, anyway, so screw 'em. And now, on with the show.

Week 5 Rankings




1. Atlanta Falcons (3)

Cheese puffs

They're cheap, they're not bad, but even a glutton gets tired of these before too long.

2. New York Jets (8)

Quadruple cheeseburger

Looks good, but you wonder if it's going to fall apart.

3. Baltimore Ravens (1)

Big Bird's Diner

Their motto is "to serve man." You don't eat the bird. The bird eats you.

4. Pittsburgh Steelers (9)

Pizza Shack chicken wings

They can be really good, but remember the last time you got excited about them? Yeah, they didn't deliver on time and they were garbage.

5. New England Patriots (5)

Boston Fried Chicken

Really working extra hard to prove that fried chicken head they served not too long ago was a total fluke.

6. Kansas City Chiefs (7)

Maraschino Cherry on slice of white bread

Really looking for something better to be on top of.

7. Tennessee Titans (15)

Tin Man's Burger Stand

Presuming the head chef doesn't lose his heart again, this little burger stand looks to be pretty good.

8. Indianapolis Colts (10)

Celebrity chef's canned pasta sauce

Seems it's getting by on the reputation of the chef. This particular product is a bit far removed from his most glorious works.

9. Green Bay Packers (11)

Limburger sandwich

Delicacy? It stinks.

10. Philadelphia Eagles (23)


Yeah, it's not brûlée right now. It's missing that spark to get it going.

11. Chicago Bears (12)


Great for Bugs Bunny impressions, but what the hell is it doing in your trick or treat bag?

12. New York Giants (21)


The quality of the ingredients is going a long way to make up for the unimaginative recipe. Stew? You mean, crap I tossed in a slow cooker so I could "cook" while I watch TV?

13. Houston Texans (6)

Your friend's mom's chili

All week, your friend talked up his mom's chili. "The best chili in the world." You really want to like it, but it's rather underwhelming. You can only try guiltily to hide your disappointment.

14. Miami Dolphins (18)

Casa Bonita

Nobody in the neighborhood thinks much of the food, which tastes like Mexican day at the school cafeteria, but it's a hit with out-of-towners thanks to the sideshow atmosphere. Ironically, the first place townies bring visiting relatives.

15. Jacksonville Jaguars (17)


Perennially "okay." Wouldn't these ingredients be better as something else? Like something that doesn't have a texture unbecoming of food.

16. Washington Redskins (16)

Pretzel sticks

It's just squeaking by. Not much of a snack on its own. Basically just an edible toothpick.

17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (19)


Yeah, it seems inside out, but that's just how it is.

18. New Orleans Saints (4)

Jambalaya mix

So you didn't pay attention at the store, and you wound up making this like it was mac and cheese. It's missing sausage, and it's basically just greasy, salty crap.

19. Cincinnati Bengals (14)

Meatball sub

You were about to take a bite before all the fillings slipped out, staining your shirt. Now it looks like a messy bowel movement on the sidewalk. Great.

20. Denver Broncos (13)

Club crackers

Soft, buttery, a nice salty snack. Easily crushed to add to other foods.

21. St. Louis Rams (20)

Salt and pepper potato chips

Salt and pepper? Really? Is that the best you can do? That's not even a flavor. You've got to come up with something better than that.

22. Oakland Raiders (26)


Your drunk father punched you in the face and made you eat it. It wasn't actually bad. But you're not looking forward to eating another.

23. Seattle Seahawks (27)

Mushroom hummus sandwich at Smoky's Green Joint sandwich shop

The sandwich is bland and crappy, but they're really psyched about serving it, man.

24. San Diego Chargers (2)

"Reuben" Sandwich made by your little brother on April 1

Looks good. Corned beef, sauerkraut, Swiss cheese, it's all there. But the special sauce really ruins the sandwich. It's awful. What is this, a joke?

25. Detroit Lions (28)

Convenience store hot dog

Commemorative plaque on the wall celebrates the first edible hot dog served. Just this week.

26. Minnesota Vikings (24)

Hamburger Helper

The ingredients are simple, fundamental, sound. But if you let a jackass prepare it, it's garbage.

27. Dallas Cowboys (22)

Candy Corn

You see this all over the place this time of year. It's made out of sugar, which everyone likes, so it should be good, right? Uh, not exactly. Sugar is actually more interesting by itself. What in the name of crap did you do to the sugar?!

28. Arizona Cardinals (30)

Bloody Mary at backwoods mountain bar

Hungover layabout/chef made it, and it actually gets the job done. The "job" being helping you forget you're in a crappy backwoods mountain town next to nowhere.

29. Cleveland Browns (25)

Tijuana taco

Dog pound? Yeah, it's right next to the taco stand. Yeah, the one with the dog run connected to the kitchen.

30. Carolina Panthers (29)


Toxic chemicals don't belong anywhere near food, okay? Remember Fight Club? Yeah, that was lutefisk marinade burning that dude's face off.

31. San Francisco 49ers (31)

Cream of Sum Yung Gai

Smells funky. Dare you to try it.

32. Buffalo Bills (32)

Hard Tack

It's been a while since this was "fresh." It's infested with weasels, hard as a brick, and smells like your underwear after a tough work out. But the Cap'n says it's good to eat, ye dogs.


Hope you enjoyed the fare this week. Feel free to tell me your thoughts on how stupid I am or whatever.

This is a Fan-Created Comment on The opinion here is not necessarily shared by the editorial staff of MHR

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