If They Were Food -- Week 5 Power Rankings

Another week, another self-indulgent ranking of NFL teams. At least I am to entertain. In case you're new to the concept, this power ranking lists teams according to what foods they are this week. Let's see what we've got in week 5...

Week 4 Rankings

Please note that I don't have NFL Game Rewind. I haven't watched close to every game. Rankings changed based off of results, highlights, and whatever data I saw during the week in making my picks. I didn't even look at last weeks rankings in making these. I don't care the least about being wrong or being consistent. If you have a real argument for why your team should be ranked differently, please let me know. I could always use more info on some of these teams.






1. Baltimore Ravens (11)

Neapolitan ice cream cake

It's living up to the hype. For now. Only time will tell how long it will hold up. Nobody really likes strawberry ice cream, and you're going to run out of chocolate and vanilla at some point.

2. San Diego Chargers (23)

Restaurant at the Compton Ritz

Food's pretty good, despite the owner refusing to pay the salary of their best line chef. But nobody goes there because they built this in the totally wrong neighborhood. Good thing they cater.

3. Atlanta Falcons (6)

Boot camp doughnuts

Shouldn't be this freaking good. I'm pretty sure it's the sensory deprivation that's making these seem so amazing.

4. New Orleans Saints (1)

Ci Ci's Pizza

I'm only going there because it's quick, easy, and it doesn't cost much. Okay?

5. New England Patriots (15)


The lawsuits failed, okay? Get over it. Inexplicable familiarity with the competitor's product? We're just lucky, I guess.

6. Houston Texans (9)

Pizza at the liquor store down the street

You always hope that it will be great because wouldn't that be neat, but so far it's always been a disappointment. This time, it smells good, but should you order some?

7. Kansas City Chiefs (8)


They've been on the shelf for a week, but they're still good. But that's pretty much what you expected. Still, it's just junk food. Unless you do something special with it at some point, like deep fry it.

8. New York Jets (4)

Cafeteria at Breezy Greens Retirement Home

The people they've been serving say it's pretty good. Then again, they don't have much choice in the matter. If they got some real clientele, who knows what they would say.

9. Pittsburgh Steelers (3)

Tilapia filets

Not very savory, even a bit bland, but once it gets seasoned it could be very nice. Unless it winds up falling apart on the fork.

10. Indianapolis Colts (2)

Half-set chocolate bar

Sure, it looks like crap now, but you know from experience it will be good in a bit.

11. Green Bay Packers (10)

Otter pops

Maybe they'll be in better shape when it gets colder? Right now, they're kind of slouching to the grip, and the young 'uns are making a mess with these.

12. Chicago Bears (13)

Foie Gras

It's inhumane what they do to the star of the dish.

13. Denver Broncos (20)


Pretty one-dimensional. You're not going to be running on a stomachful of this stuff. But it's good for what it is.

14. Cincinnati Bengals (12)

Pizza milkshake

Lots of great ingredients, but it's hard to say it looks great. In fact, it looks vaguely like throw up.

15. Tennessee Titans (16)

Store Brand Beef Jerky

Some say it's tough. Some say it's cheap. Anyway, can be good enough, but you might get tired of it before you finish the entire bag.

16. Washington Redskins  (22)

Local chef's scrambled eggs

The chef is so dedicated to local produce that he only beats the ones that come from his own neighborhood.

17. Jacksonville Jaguars (28)

Truck stand chili-cheese burger to go

It was fairly good to begin with, but you might be in trouble before you get to the end of the trip. How far is the next rest stop?

18. Miami Dolphins (7)

Burgerworld fries

Sometimes they're good. Sometimes they're cold, hard, and gross. Guess it depends on when you go there? It's a mystery.

19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (18)

Unknown bottle of brandy in booze superstore

Sitting on the shelf for a while might have made it better. Unless it sucked to begin with.

20. St. Louis Rams (27)


It's raw, but some people like it just fine. Bit of a trendy pick right now. Very rarely causes projectile diarrhea.

21. New York Giants (19)

Cinnamon-sugar graham cracker

Flavor on one side is pretty aggressive. The other side is bland. Equaled out, it's okay - assuming your mom is feeding you.

22. Dallas Cowboys (14)


Still has a chance to be considered the best restaurant in the food court because the rest of them aren't very good, either.

23. Philadelphia Eagles (5)

Burned Popcorn

You should have known better. And now your house stinks.

24. Minnesota Vikings (21)

That thing in the Styrofoam cup in the back of the fridge

Is it still good? Well, it must not have been that good in the first place if you forgot about it back there.

25. Cleveland Browns (29)


Occasionally comes from behind, but you wouldn't really say it's good. Delectatively speaking. Might be something you could grow something out of, though.

26. Oakland Raiders (24)

Big Tom's Super Pizza

This local pizza place is supposed to be good. But they don't deliver.

27. Seattle Seahawks (17)

Mexican candy

Your Mexican "friend" gave you this "candy." Literally tastes like piss, but worse. WTF dude.

28. Detroit Lions (25)

Tuna fish sandwich

If it's yours, you might think it's good. But to everyone else, it stinks.

29. Carolina Panthers (30)

Broccoli Sandwich

The bread is fine. It's the part that's most important that needs some work.

30. Arizona Cardinals (26)

Chunky barf

It was actually good for a bit. While some of it now technically resembles actual food, on the whole you will find that food it is not.

31. San Francisco 49ers (31)

Totally 80's-The Restaurant

Brought to you by the braintrusts who gave you the Totally 80's CD, here is a karaoke bar based on the ESPN Zone concept. They really miss the 80's around here. The owner just hired a new chef. He sucks just as bad as the last one.

32. Buffalo Bills (32)


Not the good seafood kind. If you're picking them, you're in trouble. I don't care what the Travel Channel tells you, this isn't food.




As always, enjoy.

This is a Fan-Created Comment on The opinion here is not necessarily shared by the editorial staff of MHR

Log In Sign Up

Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Mile High Report

You must be a member of Mile High Report to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Mile High Report. You should read them.

Join Mile High Report

You must be a member of Mile High Report to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Mile High Report. You should read them.




Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.