I have made it no secret around here that I happen to love any player that:
1. Rocks wicked, primal tattoos.
2. Sports flowing, curly hair flying out the back of his helmet.
3. Has more likely than not climbed a coconut tree or two in his day.
4. Happens to hail from the South Pacific.
That's right, this is my "All-Samoan" mock draft. I have to say, I would be extremely pumped if our front office read this post, came to the conclusion that I am very smart, that Samoans obviously kick ass, and that they will draft according to my chart. Also, because of the dearth of mock drafts around here, I have refrained from posting one of my own, until now. So, if you're sick of mocks, read on anyways, because mine happens to include Islanders who crush bones for fun, but are nice enough to peel you off the turf afterward...
Denver trades it's first round pick (#11) to New England for their 1st (#22) and 4th (#119).
With the 22nd pick in the draft, the Denver Broncos select: Mike Iupati, OG, Idaho
Enough has been said on this wonderful site of ours about Big Mike. I think I will just leave it short, and say very little here. He fills a need, he can start at LG for us right away. He's huge, he's physically dominating, and he has a pretty cool name. But I think this explains my feelings about him pretty well:
He is Samoan, and he kicks ass.
With the 45th pick in the draft, the Denver Broncos select: Tyson Alualu, DT, California
We should all be pretty familiar with Alualu by now. He is a solid defensive line prospect, who should be able to make an impact at DE for us. He is 6'2, 290, a little undersized for DE in our scheme. However, he has thick legs and a solid base, so if he hits the weight room and can bulk up up top, he should excel. He has quick feet, moves well laterally, is solid against the run, and penetrates into the backfield well. And did you see his hair? Please take another look at the picture above, focus on the hair....
In closing, we can afford to bring this guy aboard and learn behind our new veteran DL.
He is Samoan. He has flowing hair. And he kicks ass.
With the 80th pick in the draft, the Denver Broncos select: Koa Misi, OLB, Utah
I spared you this warriors' full name when I made the pick, but I feel the need to do so now. Nawa'akoa Lisiate Foti Analeseanoa Misi. Glorious! I mean, that name is really, positively, glorious. I am absolutely giddy about that name. I get a good solid chuckle every time I think of this on the back of a Broncos uni: Lisiate Foti Analeseanoa Misi.
That's the kind of name that makes me sad I was born to primarily Swedish parents, and not on the magical Pacific Islands.
Now, on to the football side of things. This guy is a solid, solid football player. He is a little undersized, even for the move he will make to OLB in our scheme. But again, he can sit behind Dumervil and the rest of the guys, and learn, bulk up, and grow out some hair that he is curiously (read: disappointingly) missing to match his lineage, during his first year in the league.
In closing, he is Samoan, and he kicks ass.
With the 114th pick in the draft, the Denver Broncos select: Tony Moeaki, TE, Iowa
This fella is well known around here, a frequent visitor to our numerous mock drafts. He has all the tools to be a terrific NFL tight end. He excels in catching, he is a proficient in-line blocker. He has had some injury problems in the past, actually, a lot of injury problems.
But guess what? He is Samoan, which means he is tough, and he kicks ass.
With the 119th pick in the draft, the Denver Broncos select: Daniel Te'O-Nesheim, DE, Washington
Daniel gives us more depth at the OLB position. And again, our good depth at the spot already allows him time to learn and grow. The thing I like most about this guy is, according to Huskie's coach Steve Sarkisian, his "amazing effort", and "I've never seen a guy work, practice, play the way he plays with the effort that he plays with". Works for me. Te'o also has "great hips", which is always an interesting way to talk about another man. This allows him to change directions quickly apparently, resulting in him recording the second-fastest three-cone-drill time among defensive linemen at the combine. At 6'4'' 267, he is also the all-time sack leader at Washington.
But, more than anything, he is Samoan, and he kicks ass.
With the 183rd pick in the draft, the Denver Broncos select: Shawn Lauvao, OG, Arizona State
I have to say, after pouring through these beastly, beastly men, I'm a little disappointed in the small number of them that have the flowing locks that we all know and love. I wish I could have a talk with Shawn. It would go something like this: "Son, you are a big, bad, Samoan football player. Why is your head shaved? You need the flowing, well-conditioned, warrior hair to complete you. I promise you Shaun, grow your hair out, and you will feel lighter, move faster, be more intimidating to oncoming rushers, and win over the hearts of not just all the gorgeous women around you, but every football fan with half a brain."
I feel like that conversation would go very well? Don't you?
Anyways, back to the football. Lauvao is 6'3'', 305 pounds. He has good flexibility for his size (coconut trees) and gets low, possessing the power to drive defenders back. He gets a bit heavy-footed in pass protection, but is athletic and moves well overall.
At the end of the day, he is Samoan, and he kicks ass.
With the 220th pick in the draft, the Denver Broncos select: Manase Tonga, FB, BYU
Picking a FB here allows our man Spencer Larsen to focus on linebacking and being a complete super stud on special teams. Tonga is versatile, can run the ball, block well, and catch like it's second nature.
That all sounds great. But the scouts forgot one thing...
He is Samoan, and he kicks ass.
Well, how'd we do?
We got 2 offensive guards, 1 DE, 2 OLB'ers, 1 TE, and a FB. Me likey!
I know, I know, we ignored certain important positions, like cornerback, safety, and wide receiver. Believe me, if there were any draftable prospects at those positions of Samoan/Tongan descent, I would have been all over them.
Now, for the icing on the cake. We would, without a doubt, have the coolest pre-game of any team in the NFL. With 7 young warriors on the team, they could perform a completely awesome and intimidating Haka. For reference, go here:
You can't honestly tell me that if we performed that at half-field with the Chargers looking on those pansies wouldn't let out at least 2 little drops of pee before the game? Even Merriman would be quaking like a scared rabbit.
The possibilities are endless.