Drinks with Tim: A Transcript

Oh, sorry Tim. I know. Drinking and swearing. Not exactly your style. I know you stayed in school an extra year to save souls – save them from this kind of behavior. And I really respect that. But are you ready for some irony? Because the part where you’re coming to Denver is bringing out the darker side in lots of us. It’s just sinning left and right out there. Usage of alcohol and four-letter words are up several hundred percent in the Chibronx household. And that’s just me. Don’t even look at McGeorge’s house. In fact, cover your ears. I think you can hear him from here.

I really love bourbon. Rye, Irish and Scotch are all great, too. But this isn’t really an occastion for the good stuff is it? I mean, I kind of wanted to wake up feeling pain on Friday morning. It just seemed right. Nothing else does right now.

I’m not really mad at you, per se. When I’m in a rage, you’re a convenient symbol of what’s going wrong. But deep down, it's not you I blame. If you ever wrote “Matthew 19:24” or “Matthew 23:32” on your eyeblack, we’d get along great. That would likely help you with Bob in Boulder and Ted Bartlett, too. Of course, Ted already loves you (no, not like that, there’s no need to pray extra for him). Anyway, it’s not you who’s driving me to drink. It’s Josh McDaniels. I mean, DeMaryius Thomas. What the..., er Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? I’ve spent the better part of a month threatening to eat my shoe if the Broncos drafted a wide receiver in the first round. I was really boorish about the whole thing. But who cared? No freaking way was my bluff going to be called. The Patriot way says no first-round QBs and no first-round wide receivers. Neither one was going to happen. And now here we are, with two project-ish players at those positions in the first round. Would you pass that bottle please? What, you won’t even touch it? Well, I think I can still get up. Let’s give it a try.

Look, the thing that’s kept me in the coach’s corner is that he’s consistent. There’s a method to his madness. That comforted me. He was going to stick by his guns and show the faith of his convictions. I mean, you should have seen the old guy. One year, he decides to draft all cornerbacks. The next year, he freaks out on players for down-field passing plays. The year after that, he goes all-in on defensive linemen. In 2003 and 2004, he just…. Maybe he was out playing golf, or was deliberately undermining his own success, you know, to see if he could do anything to get Pat Bowlen mad at him. But McDaniels was kind of awesome in that first draft. He took guys with lower ceilings, but limited potential to fail. That’s exactly what the team needed, you know? We were so effing thin at so many positions. I mean, it got pretty silly there at the end. You should have seen the guy who played Mike in 2008. I have forbidden myself from ever speaking his name. Oh, God. I need another bourbon.

Are you prepared for the mess your presence on this team is going to create? You should have seen what happened when they drafted that guy Alphonso Smith. Seriously – and this is free advice – plug your ears when Smith’s name comes up. And you know that McGeorge guy I warned you about? Your faith in humanity won’t be the same again after hearing him talk about the guy. Whenever we discuss him here, I can count one, two… well, only two deadly sins, but lots of plane old-fashioned sinning. Yessir.

I’ve defended that trade for a long time, because I felt like it was part of a plan. And now…. I’m getting agnostic. Smith’s never going to be the best corner in the league, but he does a lot of things well, and his contract is relatively cheap. I get it. Hedge your bets, right? Don’t roll the dice high in the draft – I mean, the list of names we curse around here for that is really long. Middlebrooks, Moss. Foster. So many crummy second-round picks, I can’t even remember their names. Nobody ever even learned to spell “Toviessi” [sic, probably] right – that’s how long he lasted. I thought all that was behind us. It’s just horrible, you know, w

hen you wake up and look in the mirror and don’t see what you were expecting to see? Oh, I see. When that happens to you, you pray and work harder. That’s so freaking admirable. Really. Are you for real?

OK, I’ve been a little self-absorbed here. You haven’t got a word in edgewise. What are you drinking, by the way? Kool-Aid? Eff off. Really? Orange Kool-Aid? I guess that fits your personality and maddeningly sunny nature. Do I want some? God, no. That. Sh*t. Is. Dangerous. I am so on the wagon when it comes to Kool-Aid. I manage my liquor pretty well. Or at least, that’s what everybody tells me. They probably just want to avoid a scene. But I became crazy and delusional when I started hitting the Kool-Aid a year ago. Nuts. I’d rationalize anything and everything when it came to the Broncos. You’re obviously managing a pretty intense personality of your own over there. I hope that stuff helps you, but seriously, have you looked for the warning signs? An almost beatific sense of confidence? Upbeat on a sinking ship? One day you’ll crash, and it will be ugly.

OK, OK. Fine, I’ll have some. I mean, it does look pretty good, and the sugar buzz will make things interesting. Pour me a half-tumbler full over there. OK, no, not even half. Pour me a few fingers of Kool-Aid. Now I’m going to unscrew this here bottle of Wild Turkey and add about 4 inches to that. And you know what? It’s pretty good! Why are you smirking? Has your face even done that before? OK, yes, you’re right, I fall off the wagon with Kool-Aid a lot. All the time. I’ve got all the signs of addiction. But here's an excellent secret: Addiction can be so, so much fun.

So, what have you got for me by way of rationalizations? You completed 70% of your passes in college? Played in a Byzantine offense? You’re athletic, started for three years, and you’ve got a strong arm? Good enough for me. I mean, anything to let me hit the sweet stuff again. That works – or at least, I’m going to make it work! Go Broncos! You’ll be a killer starter in like 2013 or something. And DeMaryius Thomas will have added a 5th route to his repertoire and a few of these 400 interior offensive linemen will work out.

And while I’m at it, the fans will stop comparing Eric Decker to Ed McCaffrey and Wes Welker and Fred Biletnikoff and start comparing him to Steve Breaston or Rod Smith in his later years or…. Nah, Even Kool-Aid, sweet Kool-Aid, can’t convince me that will happen. But who cares? I’ve learned my lesson with Kool-Aid. Cut it with lots of whiskey, and we’ll all be just fine.