Our own Emmett "Doc" Smith puts amazing time, effort, and skill into his work here for us, bringing an insight and levity rarely seen elsewhere, even within the ranks of professional sports writers. So, as his prose brings an impressive and ever expansive viewpoint to our Broncos, I have recently posted some articles that lean towards the "comical" side of things. My "Picture-Book" to his "Novella", if you will. As I know I can't bring the same level of analysis as Doc and some others on the site, I have resorted to humor and pictures riffed from the internet to get my point across.
Follow below the fold for a rather child-like look at our recently drafted Denver Broncos.
Demaryius "the Mystery" Thomas. I'll admit, I was surprised by the pick. I will also assume the rest of you stared at the screen in disbelief for about 45 seconds before the gears started churning and we tried to understand why our first pick of our draft, was indeed the first pick of our draft. I watched the draft at my old man's house, and I faintly remember him snapping his fingers in my ear repeatedly, trying to wake me from my "shock coma" that lasted an indeterminate amount of time. I think I came out of my "shock coma" with a little bit of drool rolling down my face, weird...
I am calling him "The Enigma", because I honestly have no idea what to expect from this guy. I wouldn't be surprised if he is a perennial pro-bowl monster very soon, and I also wouldn't be surprised if he is a huge bust. He might be the replacement for Brandon Marshall while also being the true deep threat that we crave, and he might be Ashlie Lelie version 2.0 (Heresy, I know).
He's a physical specimen, a man with the size of BM and more speed than BM, he is also devoid of baggage, a straight-shooter, despite his troubled early life (I couldn't imagine that sort of upbringing). These are all good things. However, we're all acutely aware that he is apparently unsure of what a "route" is, with the exception of what his paper-boy told him on the subject. This is, to say the least, troubling.
I still like the pick, McDaniels seems to think he can come in and be our #1 receiver, sooner rather than later. I trust him to build this young talent into something special, but until I see it on the field, Bay Bay will remain an enigma to me.
Sidenote: Bay Bay? Really? I know my "Enigma" and "Mystery" tags probably won't catch on with this guy, because they're neither catchy nor flattering to our new WR, but Bay Bay? Can you think of a worse nickname? I mean, seriously, just call him "Pookie", slap a target on his back as a kid, and watch him get bullied to oblivion. I guess it's a good thing he's huge, athletic, and apparently well respected. So, can we quickly come up with a new nickname for him? Let's feel free to use "Enigma", because I've always thought that was a cool word. E-N-I-G-M-A.
I tried my very hardest to find a picture combining a Saint and Superman. Because that's the direction I'm going here with our new QB, but that was a harder task than I first expected. I ended up with a small, bearded, cartoon Saint. It'll have to do.
We all know what we got with our second first-rounder, and it already has been and will continue to be over-analysed, over-talked about, over-pictured, over-videoed, and over-everythinged, so I'll keep this one short.
Leading up to the draft, I was openly against picking this player, and was one of the many rolling his eyes when Sayre continued to advocate his selection (Kudos to you Sayre, and bravo!). I never thought it would happen, I thought Neckbeard was our man for the future, and had high hopes for the two guys behind him, if Orton didn't happen to work out. Needless to say, I went into another "shock coma" after this pick, I was sure we were taking Dan Williams. I'm pretty sure my father splashed some of his recently poured screwdriver into my face to bring me back to life (an unpleasant awakening). I honestly don't even remember what happened after our pick through the end of the first round. It was an interesting 20 minutes, with the Old Man screaming obscenities (he's a Cowboys fan) at the top of his lungs, ripping apart the "rip-apart referee doll", and stomping around the room like a crazed Yak. Shortly followed by one of my patented "shock comas featuring liberal amounts of drool", followed by a splash of orange juice and vodka thrown in my face. A messy situation, no doubt.
Anyways, while I wouldn't call myself a "hater" of our new pick before we got him, I am now firmly in the "pro" camp in regards to the situation. We are all acutely aware of what he brings to the table, and acutely aware of what he needs to work on. Coupled with our QB guru coach, I believe this new talent and the work ethic and desire for all things football will result in a happy marriage. Seriously, I think they might get married at some point down the line, there is an odd attraction I've picked up on between the two of them. That could get awkward, but as long as we win some MF games... amiright?
Sidenote: Did you notice how I didn't say his name once that whole time? Are you impressed? I am.
Also known as, "The Guy Who Stands Next to Clady". That one is a little too long though.
Now, you may be asking yourself, why "The Insane". Good question!
While I have no evidence of this, I sincerely believe that Zane Beadles is crazy. I mean, yeah, he looks like a lovable teddy bear in the picture above, but I think there is something lurking underneath. Look at that grin, and those eyes, he's got "crazy eyes".
The logic: We picked this guy in the second round, well above where he was expected to go. Yes, he's a team leader, a charismatic guy, a versatile linemen, and a guy who was handpicked by our brain-trust to stand next to Clady for the next 10 years and crunch skulls like one of those scary robots with red eyes from Terminator. However, to earn that high draft pick, I believe he is an absolute maniac on the field, it's the only explanation. I look forward to watching him work, it should be fun.
Sidenote: I just wanted to continue my trend of "sidenoting", mostly because I think it's fun. But, since we're on nicknames here... this guy doesn't need one! If you can think of a better football name than "Zane Beadles", please, share that name. That is truly a kick-ass football name. This brings up a subject I am fond of, "football names". Seriously, I think there is something to this. It seems like any guy that has a good, tough, football name, is destined to do good things. Maybe it's a "sub-conscious" thing, I might have to delve into this more later...
Also known as J.D. "IHOP" Walton.
Apparently, if you count all those delicious pancakes in the provided picture, it is roughly the amount of times Walton put a defensive player on his behind during a play, also known as a "pancake block". This is something I can appreciate.
Really, what else can you ask for from an offensive linemen during a play? That's the ultimate, "No way in hell are you touching my QB" statement. Wonderific!, or wonderful and terrific all rolled into one.
I think we need more food names that can correlate to a certain type of play on the football field. Here are some suggestions, please feel free to join in:
The Waffle: When a linemen manages to knock down an opponent, and manages to also step on that opponent. The waffle part of it would refer to the indentations left behind by the cleats. I hope for roughly 134 "Waffles" from our new defensive line this year. And another 37 thrown in from Brian Dawkins.
The Crepe: When a player is double-teamed and knocked to the ground or tackled, and 2 or more players lie on top of him for an extended period of time.
The Omelet: When a player is hit so hard his helmet flies off. Think of eggs cracking...
Interestingly, all of my suggestions are related to breakfast foods... my mind works in strange ways...
Sidenote: I think either "Pancake" or "IHOP" are excellent nicknames for our new center. I mean, it's a double whammy! It's funny on one side because he's kind of overweight, and it also fits because he likes to smash people, resulting in pancakes. It's a win-win, and a keeper.
I included our new wide receiver in my last post, which was also my one and only mock draft. I shared my experience of meeting Decker at Safeway when he was here for his visit, and how I snapped a picture of his "hand". Turns out, we drafted an actual grizzly bear. We knew he had big hands, but what we didn't know was that we got a real live bear. Cool!
On a serious note, this guy was thrown at 350 times during his career, and had 3 dropped passes. 3! Apparently his bear paws are lined with velcro, super-glue, or black tar. Amazing.
Obviously, I love this pick. I think it's a great value where we got him, and think we have our new Eddie Mac, as silly as it may be to say at this point.
My only concern with him is durability issues, specifically his foot injury. I really don't like foot injuries, as they seem to be recurring and a constant pain for players who have that problem. Hopefully, it was a one time thing and it won't be a problem for him going forward. Interestingly, Demaryius also had a foot problem. So both of our new wide receivers are in the same boat there. Do we have a world renowned foot doctor on staff that I don't know about?
I'm not referring to the player here, as much as I am referring to what we did to go get him. I mean, we stole the heck out of this guy. I'm pretty sure McDaniels put on a suit, one of those cool bowler's hats, and got all "Thomas Crown Affair" in this bisnatch. If any of you have seen that movie, the new one with Pierce Brosnan... is that not the coolest scene? You know, the one where there's like 30 guys running around the museum in the end, and they're all dressed the same, and there's that awesome music playing, and they steal that painting from under the noses of the cops who are there waiting to bust them already. I can just picture McDaniels and Xanders in those suits, with those hats, with the briefcases, wandering around behind the scenes of the draft, and just stealing Perrish Cox from under the noses of everyone else.
Mark my words, this guy is going to be huge for us. He could be THE steal of the draft this year. He is a potential #1 impact cornerback, and in my view, a definite starter. He also fills a huge need for us, he is an impact return guy. Don't be surprised when he takes over for either Goodie or Champ in a year or two, shuts some people down, and is returning kicks to the house left and right. I LOVE this pick. The concerns: Yeah, yeah, I know, he's got character issues. Some of you "negative ninnies" might be saying, "Yeah, he's good, but he's a headcase. It doesn't go along with what McDaniels has been saying and doing this whole time, he's an idiot and only gets rid of the guys with problems but doesn't have a problem bringing in new ones as long as they're his guys" with random whining and crying sounds interspersed throughout your little baby rant. Well, I say to you, "Shut it."
Here's the deal, we have just about put the ending touches on turning this locker room into a place filled with team-first leaders who are willing to do whatever it takes to win. After that culture has been established, a player with some slight issues can be brought into the fold with the expectation that the rest of the guys will keep him in line, and teach him the right way to do things. This is usually done at a low cost with not a lot of risk involved (ie: a veteran troublemaker with talent who can be signed to a cheap contract laden with incentives to minimize the risk, and taking a player in the draft who is a huge value at the spot he was taken). Basically, we got a first-round talent CB at a 5th round price. WHAMMY!
This is how I envision our other new center. Apparently, Eric Olsen is a nasty fellow. As in, he's mean on the field, and he wants to hurt someone. Excelente!
Here's a quote from the scouting report that good ol' Tim Lynch provided for us:
"Feisty and aggressive is the best way to describe Olsen's play in the trenches".
Sounds like a plan to me, fellas. I noticed a trend in the three fat dudes we brought in this year... They're all feisty, smart, and versatile. Man, that's surprising! Oh wait, it's not surprising at all. This is the direction the team is going, get used to it, and get excited about, because it's a very good thing.
I watched some footage of Syd'Quan Thompson playing football, and I couldn't help but think of the Predator. First of all, he has dreads, which is cool. Dreads are cool. The Predator has dreads. Secondly, he plays like that cool three-pronged laser weapon that the Predator has. Seriously, go watch the clip of Syd'Quan that Tim Lynch included in his post. Any time a run or screen pass came his direction, he seriously blew it up like a laser guided missile. Considering this guy is smaller than I am, and about 1/3 the size of a real Predator, this is very impressive.
I really like this player, but I won't pretend that he doesn't have some serious hurdles to overcome. He's small, even for the smallest position group on the field, and he's rather slow for such a small guy. Not a good combo. He makes up for this with unrivaled tenacity, an ability to make crushing tackles, and above-average instincts. I'm rooting for the dude, and I think we deserve a player with dreadlocks who isn't the absolute worst player in the history of the NFL. Agreed?
This one is a definite reach, and barely relevant. My sister used to call pajamas, "jammies". So, when I saw that we drafted a guy called Jammie Kirlew, I couldn't help but chuckle and then think of pajamas. For the record, our new depth at OLB doesn't pronounce his name like it looks, it's actually pronounced how the name should be spelled, "Jamie".
Obviously, I don't know much about this guy, other than the fact that he has a non-stop motor and knows how to get to the QB. He might be a practice squad guy, and could even be training camp fodder, like our 7th rounder last year. But I'll always root for a guy who plays his heart out, every down of the game. So, best of luck to you, Pajammy!
Final sidenote: Some of you might remember my "All-Samoan" mock draft from a few weeks ago. You also might remember what I said, "we have to get a Samoan on our team this year through the draft, we need at least one of these guys!" I have a theory, based on absolutely no scientific evidence or statistical data of any sort, that having just one Samoan player on your football team will net you at least one extra win every year. I believe in that theory. Well, it didn't happen, and I am sad about that. No flying hair, no haka dances before the game, no scary warriorism, it's all very depressing.
However, I still love the direction this team is going, and am very happy with the draft overall.
I'm restarting the chant right now, 13-3 Baby!! Until we ain't.
Since he's definitely over the edge this time... Tell it to him straight, what kind of help does Luff need?
A sympathetic pat on the back and a lollipop (23 votes)
The best psychiatrist money can buy and lots of behavior-altering drugs (35 votes)
No help. Luffabo's are just crazy by nature, you're good. (66 votes)
124 total votes