In much the same tradition of the weekly post ‘Studs and Duds’ (a post I regularly look forward to, win or lose), I would like to introduce a weekly post of my own entitled ‘Then We’ll Win / Then We’ll Lose’. This post will just be about what it sounds like. It will list a number of things that, if the Broncos can manage to accomplish during the game, then they’ll win. And also a number of things that if they do, well, then they’ll lose. I encourage you to print this off and keep score at home, marking things off as they happen. Let’s begin.
This is basically what it all comes down to. Did you win? Or did you lose? I don’t care how you played, or even who you played and I don’t want to hear about how the ref didn’t like you. Just tell me. Did you win? Well, did you? ANSWER ME!!! Let us all remember the wise words of the Late Great Charlie Sheen who said ‘Winning, duh.’ And here it is. Another season upon us and another chance to re-establish the franchise. The days of John Elway the player are gone. Hello, Mr. Elway, the Sunglasses-Wearer. Terrell Davis is now running for the Hall of Fame. And Mile High is Sports Authority Field? Is that right? I haven’t missed a game in over 20 years but I’m not sure. However, I am sure about one thing. That I’m not sure about anything in the NFL. And one week’s whipping post can be next week’s trendy pick. So hope springs ever eternal and even when facing the red hot Super Bowl Champs, who look more than capable of defending their crown, I again think, ‘This is the week. This week we rise. This week is ours. Winning. Duh.'
THEN WE'LL WIN
If McGahee runs for more than a 100 yards we will win. Period. I think. If McGahee and Mo-Run-Mo combine for more than 150 yards we win. I feel pretty good about this. I think it’s possible. No, I’m not currently drinking. I stopped minutes ago.
If Dumervil comes back and he and Von Miller and the rest of the defense can put up more than 4 sacks we WIN. Normally, I don’t like to see a player rushed back from injury and prefer to take the win-without-them, next-man-up-approach but I want to see Doom back. I want to see him back and I want to see him sack. Go DOOM.
If anyone in our secondary gets an interception then we WIN. Okay, so I am getting carried away. All these points need to be considered as parts of a whole. If you are watching the game and checking them off as I suggested, at the end of the game, count them up and check the totals. If, for example, we did 4 ‘Then We’ll Win’ things to only 1 ‘Then We’ll Lose’ thing, and we actually do lose, then you can sue me and you’ll feel better about being duped by a fellow fan who is perhaps overly naive about the ones he loves (I’m looking at your Mr. Quinn, wink).
If Orton gets a DUI on the way to the game and misses kickoff and Tebow is put in, we WIN. This one actually does stand alone. If Orton gets a DUI or is carjacked or simply stubs his toe on the way to the stadium and requires medical attention and misses the game, we will win. (As a side note, I have offered all of me friends the following bet: The Broncos will win 60% of all games this year where Tebow starts.)
Lastly, if we score more touchdowns than they do, we win. I know teams can also score field goals and safeties but I still believe in the TDs scored to TDs given-up statistic. It is usually very key. This last one can actually stand on its own as well.
THEN WE'LL LOSE
If Orton is not prevented from making it to the stadium on time, then we’ll lose. Sorry Orton. Wait. What’s that I hear? Is that your new-born child wondering why his daddy’s never around? I hear the early years are the most formative and the absence of a father figure constantly nearby can do permanent damage and lead to pre-marital sex, extensive drug-use and joining Raider Nation.
If our secondary never gambles, we will lose. If Vaughn and Goodman just try and play solid defense while never actually trying to make a play on the ball, we will lose. This is not the time to imitate your coach and be safe (honestly, why in the hell wouldn’t he just go with Tebow? At least then there’d be honest excitement. Isn’t that all we’re really asking for here? A little bit of fun on our Sundays). This is the time to gamble. And if they don’t, put your money on Green Bay. Then whip yourself because fans betting against their team sicken me.
If Coach Fox doesn’t call any pass plays then we will lose. Don’t end up on the Dud List Coach Fox. Don’t do it.
If Coach Allen allows mamby-pamby I-really-should-be-the-lead-singer-for-an-all-girls-country-and-western-band Aaron Rogers to stand in the pocket, quietly survey the field and sling that rock all over God’s Green Earth then we will lose. This is similar to the idea of our secondary not gambling. If Coach Allen doesn’t dial up some blitzes but tries to just drop more men into coverage then it will be a long day. Send ‘em all. Send ‘em all like you got a pair.
If Joe Mays ‘The Tazer’ doesn’t make at least one Packer regret his decision of realzing his boyhood dream and playing in the NFL, count that as a point in the 'Then We'll Lose' column.
Finally, if the defense gives up more than 3 runs of over 10 yards a piece, the TWL Column gets one point bigger. I have been pleasantly surprised with our run-d. The only real minus for them was week 1 but it’s starting to look like McFaggen (Did I spell that right?) is going to make even good d-lines look vulnerable. They need to keep this up. They kept Benson in check. Turned CJ2K to CJ3M (that’s meters) and now that the Packers will be without Grant, they need to make Green Bay a one-dimensional team. True, passing is their best dimension but that’s why bold secondary play is so important today.
Alright, that’s it for now. Next week’s post will hopefully have an actual checklist you can printoff for the game. But as it’s just a few hours before kickoff this will have to suffice for now. So until next week, SHUT UP AND GET THE F*#K! OFF THE FIELD RIVERS!!! Sorry, nervous twitch. GO BRONCOS!