Another week upon us, another week, another week. I am not sure whether I should fall into an abysmal bottomless depression crevice pit, or whether to climb to the heights of Mt. Saint Hope and scream atop it, AAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! A joyful AAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE of course. Fox sounds discombobulated. If you have been hanging on his every word this week you find yourself wading through the gobblity-gook looking for meaning but never finding any. From what I gathered though, he likes Orton. Orton is good. Hey did you see that second quarter? (No, the rage induced by the first quarter blinded me. Hey I'm blind, like Orton.) He is supportin Orton. He is backing his man. He likes the Tin Man. The neck beard, the undercooked throws. I reel. I wobble. Oh dear god, the vortex of disillusionment calls, beckons. Here, here. There’s plenty of space next to the Royals faithful. But wait. What’s that? Who’s that coming to town? The team I love to hate? The team that if we ever are going to turn it we have to prove that we can beat? That’s right boys and girls and friends. Here come those queasy queer prancing Chargers. I start the ascent.
THEN WE’LL WIN
IF KO isn’t OK. If he plays so poorly so badly, no more of this ‘just good enough to keep my job’ nonsense, but plays deplorably so that Fox no longer can justify his decision to not start Tebow then we WIN. Then we really win. But this refers to a longer term interpretation of the word win.
IF Champ Bailey comes out of retirement. Yes this is a little dig at the CHAMP. Remind me again, what are you Champ of? The sidelines? Wearing free Broncos paraphernalia? After the 2005 season which he single-handedly won for us (yes, you can win a season), I have forgotten why this guy’s a shoe in for the hall of fame. Come out of retirement Champ. Remind me.
IF Mo-run-mo goes INTO retirement. Ole Crazy Legs Moreno, what the hell is wrong with you? It’s just running. Run forward. Make one cut if necessary. Run where the other guys aren’t. Watch tape of Terrell Davis. Hell, watch tape of McGahee. Last week. Against the Packers. Watch. Run. Or retire.
Has anyone seen this Harris guy on defense? His first name starts with a C. I think. I think it’s Chris. After his penalty against the Bengals I instantly wrote him off with an unbridled disgust-hate, but last week I caught him on the field defending a pass. I was impressed. That’s not true. My curiosity was piqued. IF this guy can come out of nowhere and turn into Deon Sanders we WIN. And I will be HAPPY.
IF the team studs, McGahee, Hot C**k (Decker), Lloyd, Von Miller, Joe Mays, and a few others, really studs it up this week, we WIN. Go on studs. Studs your stuff. Studly. This is stupid, sorry. Seriously.
IF DJ Williams returns a fumble for a TD we win.
THEN WE’LL LOSE
IF Von Miller and Doom don’t meet at least once simultaneously arriving at the corner of Pee on me and dump me in a Rivers’ face, we’ll lose. We’ll lose a great chance to see something wonderful. Maybe the game too.
IF Pee on me and dump me in a Rivers is allowed to do any sort of gay celebrating then we all lose. And I don’t just mean Broncos fans. I am speaking of society here. I am painting with a bigger philosophical brush that has implications on the very fabric of human kind. This happened a little last week when Fudge-Packer King, Aaron Rodgers, was allowed to do his little, look at me I am putting on my belt, hee-haw move. I just vomited in my mouth a little from remembering that move. He’s lucky he’s good because he’s not charismatic.
IF Pee on me and dump me in a Rivers isn’t peed on and dumped in a rivers then we lose. We lose lose lose.
IF no one guards Antonio Gates, which for as good as he is, seems to happen a lot. Wait, is he out sick? Shewhh. That was close. Still we should put a man on him.
IF we lose the TDs scored battle we lose. You know I am a firm believer in the TDs scored vs. TDs given up statistic.
IF the camera doesn’t show a close up of a least 3 Chargers fans’ faces to capture their reaction as Pee Rivers body-bag is zipped up and carted off the field, we lose. Well, a loss isn’t guaranteed but I certainly quit my, at the moment, short-lived and intense fascination with voo-doo.
Here is the above condensed into a scorecard that you can print off and play along with at home, as promised:
THEN WE’LL WIN
THEN WE’LL LOSE
<!--[if !supportLists]-->1. <!--[endif]-->____ KO TANKS IT
<!--[if !supportLists]-->2. <!--[endif]-->____ CHAMP BAILEY UNRETIRES
<!--[if !supportLists]-->3. <!--[endif]-->____ MORENO RETIRES
<!--[if !supportLists]-->4. <!--[endif]-->____ HARRIS MORPHS INTO PRIMETIME
<!--[if !supportLists]-->5. <!--[endif]-->____ STUDS CARRY TEAM
<!--[if !supportLists]-->6. <!--[endif]-->____ DJ WILLIAMS RETURNS FUMBLE FOR TD
<!--[if !supportLists]-->1. <!--[endif]-->___ VON AND DOOM FAIL TO MEET AT RIVERS
<!--[if !supportLists]-->2. <!--[endif]-->___ NO ONE GUARDS GATES
<!--[if !supportLists]-->3. <!--[endif]-->___ CHARGERS SCORE MORE TDS THAN US
<!--[if !supportLists]-->4. ___ NO CLOSE UP OF DEVASTATED SD FANS
<!--[if !supportLists]-->5. <!--[endif]-->___ RIVERS CELEBRATES INAPPROPRIATELY
<!--[if !supportLists]-->6. <!--[endif]-->___ RIVERS CORPSE NOT DISPOSED IN RIVER
I don’t want to alarm you all but if we lose this game our season is over. Really. One and four and we are done for. That sounds like it could be a sign. One and four. Done and for. Or One and four and we are done for. I dunno. You make the sign. Take it to the game. Let the players know. Let them know we know. They ball out now or we all go home and start dreaming about baseball. Or curling. Until next week, SHUT THE F*&K UP RIVERS AND GET THE F*%K OFF THE FIELD!