Hey, good news. Darren McFadden is out. Janikowski is questionable. That’s 70 percent of the Raider offense right there. And over 80 percent of their muffin tops. Not to mention a staggering 90 percent of their McRib consumption. (Google ‘Janikowski’ Images).
Plus, I am not so sure how everyone can be so certain Tebow is a wash. Sure, at times he looks confused and lost, as if he is looking for a magic space portal to the collegiate level mid-scramble. I know it’s around here somewhere. Sack. I personally have been surprised at times at just how short he looks on the field. Like a corn-fed Michael J. Fox in a hilarious comedy about the growing pains of being a qb in the big show. There he is. Fifty minutes into the movie, giving it his all, but coming up short. He’s just been laid out by a ruthless big bully who mockingly imitates his signature pose. The camera cuts to the loyal but worried fans in the stands. Close-up of his love interest as the film’s antagonist, maybe Al Davis, pulls her in closer, the two look on from the rich owner’s sky box, a woman’s mock concern on her face.
But what the hell?
The movie isn’t over.
Any moment now, Michael J. Fox is going to dust himself off and show everyone just how far guts, gumptions and good manners can take a fellow.
And after all, isn't this the NFL, as in Not Forever Losing. Or Nobody Fails Lastingly.
Didn’t the immaculate Tom Brady throw 4 interceptions in one game this year?
Who leads the league in pics? Isn’t it the once infallible Philip Rivers?
So yes, I am not going to lie to yous. Things look bleak. But the great thing about the NFL is that each week you get another chance to go out there for 60 minutes and put your name on something, turn things around. And maybe it’s over for the season. Maybe we’re headed to a high draft pick. But we get another 60 minutes this Sunday against the Raiders and as always, I think we have a chance….
THEN WE’LL LOSE
IF the Raiders score more than 40 points.
IF the Raiders fan base murders 4 of our key players. (In games played this year the murder rate is consistently above 4 when they win.)
IF the Raiders hand molestations and Herman Cain-esque grab-play goes unpenalized. So to make this more quantifiable let’s say ‘If the Raiders are flagged less than 4 times in the first half.’
IF they do it for AL. (Remember the tears in Hughes’ eyes?) So, IF they ever point down to the ground after a good play, the reverse kicker’s pointer-finger extended skyward post successful FG move, then you know we're in trouble.
THEN WE’LL WIN
IF we get a sack on the first play, regardless of who has the ball.
IF Tebow has two rushing touchdowns. I mean, 2 crushing touchdowns.
IF Chris Harris gets a pic, and runs it into the end zone, all the while holding the ball aloft like a severed head. O wait, it is a severed head. It's Al Davis. And he just winked at me.
IF Julius Thomas catches a TD.
IF Mo-run-mo scores a rushing TD (not a screen pass TD, the one area he excels at).
The stakes are high. Or are they low. Does it matter? I don’t know. But I know that like a lot of you, after last week’s loss I was this close to giving up. (Nick Cast, I’m looking at you. I mean I'm searching for you.) But just like after the crushing loss to the Jacksonville Faguars in the 1995 playoffs at Mile High, you realize that if you are a fan, you are a fan, good times or bad.
Until next time…. SHUT THE *&*S@# UP HUGHES AND GET THE *(#^@# OFF THE FIELD!