FanPost

The Worst Possible Mock Offseason

This is my first FanPost, so have at me you contemptible tallywhackers

I’ve seen lots of great mock drafts posted here by many of the awesome contributors at MHR. I do not intend to rank among them.  One of the realities of the NFL is  that the best case scenario for any given team in the offseason is rarely brought to reality.  One of the issues I have with some of the best mock drafts here, is, well, the actual Broncos probably won’t do that well, and I find that depressing. So for your amusement I present this: The worst possible handling of the Denver Broncos offseason, so we can all take comfort in the knowledge that, whatever happens, the actual Broncos WON’T do this poor of a job.

The Draft

Round 1, pick #2: The Denver Broncos take Missouri QB Blaine Gabbert

Although Gabbert is not the Defensive Tackle the Broncos need or a defensive player at all, he does have a great name for a third-string QB and that’s exactly what the Broncos marketing department needs.  This is a QB’s league so why wouldn’t I take a QB? Try and stop me!

Round 2, pick# whatever, our first one: Miami WR Leonard Hankerson

                From draftcountdown.com:

                “Average speed, lacks a burst and isn't explosive
                Will likely struggle to get separation in the pros
                Isn't shifty or elusive as a runner after catch
                Not a deep threat and won't stretch field vertically
                Will have some lapses in concentration at times
                Probably isn't going to contribute as a return man”

We have a lot of QBs now and we need guys to throw the ball to! Plus I’m pretty sure I saw the words “deep threat” in there and that’s good enough for me.

Round 2, pick #46: Virginia CB Ras-I Dowling

 Although slightly injury-prone (we’ve never been concerned with that anyway) Dowling has good speed and tremendous ball hawk instincts. Combine those abilities with the fact that he trained Bruce Wayne in the ways of the League of Shadows and we have a winner at DB. His decision to come out of school as a junior means the Broncos get to begin training him young…

…wait

…he stayed at school for his senior year?

…Shoot, oh well, don’t worry about it

Round 3, pick # oh who am I kidding, good football players NEVER come out of the third round and below

Select the guys with the names at the bottom of the alphabet and call it good. Maybe we’ll get a Zbikowski or Xanders, that’s be cool.

Draft day trade. I called the Vikings numerous times demanding they surrender Adrian Peterson, Percy Harvin, and Jared Allen for Kyle Orton. They counter offered Mr. Orton for a 2009 Honda Civic. We settled on Kyle for a 2010 Civic and a 7th round pick. This move is sure to benefit the entire region, as I now have reliable transportation to and from my job at Subway.

Free Agency:

Contrary to the nay-saying of you number of Negative Nancy’s, The Broncos are exactly 3 defensive players away from striking fear into the hearts of even the Baltimore Ravens or Seattle Seahawks (a playoff team). Those 3 players are:

Kamerion Wimbley, LB

As we have seen proven beyond any doubt, linebackers who wear numbers in the 90’s are badasses (See Harrison, James and Dumervil, Elvis. No further proof is needed) who will annihilate opposing Quarterbacks. Wimbley, at the ripe young age of 27, is just coming into his prime. He is a talented pass rusher who can be very effective when used properly. Although we will likely not use him properly, I will offer him a 10 year/$120 million contract.

David Bowens, LB

Nothing can reinvigorate rebuilding team like a familiar face and that is what Bowens provides. This past season Bowens recorded two defensive TD’s against New Orleans, which is more defensive touchdown than the Broncos have scored since 1991 (statistic unverified). Many believed the answer for the Broncos in the draft was defensive end Da’Quan Bowers. David Bowens almost shares Bowers entire last name, which makes him an ideal addition to the Denver pass rush.

Brett Kern, Punter

Let’s face it, the success of the 2011 Denver Defense will rely primarily on offenses needing to drive the ball SO FAR that they simply get bored and forget what’s going on. That makes the addition of strong-legged punter Brett Kern an essential move this off-season. The most reasonable offer for Kern would be a 15 year/$150 million contract.

Re-signings

I get bored watching the SAME players all the time, so no players with expiring contracts will be offered renewals.  Fresh players can only be a good thing right?

This concludes my pointless and horribly constructed mock off-season

I hope those of you who read it enjoyed it!

This is a Fan-Created Comment on MileHighReport.com. The opinion here is not necessarily shared by the editorial staff of MHR

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