As the eve of our new season begins, the final touches on a 10 year mammoth deal are being fleshed out and put together by two of the most powerful men in the NFL, and by association, the world. Mr. Roger Goodell and Mr. DeMaurice Smith. They have a supporting cast that have made these past four months both interesting and maddening.
With a team of reporters across the country we have attempted in this article is to dig deeper and find out exactly what happened during the 130+ day lockout that has captured the attention and emotion of fans and players across this country... and, dare we suggest, the world.
We sought out the owners, the executive leaders, the players, the celebrities, and the fans. The results we found were... interesting.
We begin this story by tracking down the elusive Mr. Roger Goodell and his best frienemy Mr. DeMaurice Smith.
When asked about the process and the strain it has been on these two men over the past couple of weeks, Mr. Goodell said,
"It's been a long process. I have been on a steady diet of take-out Chinese, pepto bismol, and heart medication. These crazy southerners keep trying to serve me these froo froo iced tea drinks. I haven't taken a shower in the past couple of days and I think my tan is beginning to fade."
When asked if he was encouraged by the near unanimous 31-0-1 vote Mr. Goodell agreed that was a great sign. When pressed about what happened to that one final abstain vote Mr. Goodell explained that when asked if he voted yay or nay Mr. Al Davis simply replied,
There are rumors that Mr. Davis is in negotiations with Mr. Stephen Hawking's people regarding a chair and voice synthesizer upgrade. The Daily Star reports Al Davis plans to return to the bargaining table in 10 years as the first human android.
In regards to his plans were after this Lockout ended Mr. Goodell said he would like to go back to his online life as a warlock for the next few weeks where he practices his arts as judicator and justicar of young and impressionable avatars across the world.
"It's been too long," Mr. Goodell said whimsically. "It will be nice to get back in the saddle. I hear there are even two new patch updates I missed while dining in airplanes flying back and forth across the country with my good friend Demarcie Smith. On the other hand, it did allow me to get caught up The Hills, which I have missed greatly."
Mr. DeMaurice Smith of the NFLPA, which doesn't actually exist, but really still exists, chimed in, "I'm relieved it's almost done. It's been a very confusing time for me personally. I'm the head of an organization that doesn't seem to exist anymore but everything seems to fall on me to fix. Don't ask me to explain it. John Madden drew me a picture on his whiteboard and I still don't get exactly what my job is although I'm pretty sure it has something to do with a Christmas Tree."
When questioned about relationship between himself and the other players who have filed claims against the NFL Mr. Smith said, "You know, I haven't talked to too many of them. Last I heard Tom Brady was looking for a new hairstylist and Von Miller was still tweeting about his tats and undying love for Rihanna. At this point, this one is on Roger and me. We sent our lawyers outside to bicker amongst themselves."
Lawyers for both sides were found outside behind the courthouse later on Saturday. When pressed by reporters to give a reason for the gathering, the various lawyers began pulling out different weapons complete with battle axes, swords, tridents, and even an attack pherret. We are not exactly sure where they found an attack pherret, we are just here to report that it was small... and dangerous.
We attempted to get an explanation for the sudden violence and one NFL lawyer explained, "We felt it was unfair that they (the non-existant NFLPA) forced their player reps to listen to the Imperial Death March music while reading the CBA. It sent the wrong message. John Williams has no place in these negotiations. This means war. Como Esta B*tches!!!"
With the executive and legal teams involved in this complicated CBA deal otherwise pre-occupied we decided to go find out what the rest of the players in the NFL were doing... in their natural habitat.
The final holdout in the 2011 NFL CBA mess, Mr. Vincent Jackson, was recently found in Las Vegas, attempting to disrupt the entire CBA deal by politely requesting 10 million dollars for signing his name as a plaintiff. He assured us that he had recently removed his case and would no longer be a problem for the passing of the CBA. When asked what changed Mr. Jackson replied,
"They promised me John Petty and the Heartbreakers would never again play the Superbowl Halftime show. Who knew that Janet Jackson's left boob could be so destructive to the future of the greatest halftime show in sports. My fight is to bring it back... the halftime show that is, not Janet Jackson's boob... But, Mrs. Jackson... that sounds nice."
Furthermore, we ran into Mr. Chad Ochocinco deep in southern Texas who, after spending his last few months attempting to ride bulls, has reportedly tested negative for MLS, a debilitating disease that would have threatened to end his career forever.
Editorial Correction: Apparently MLS is NOT, we repeat is NOT, a medical illness. As such, this editor apologizes for the confusion. Mr. Ochocinco was not in any kind of physical harm other than the fact that he was attempting to ride raging bulls that had recently received a giant shock to their balls. A sport you can see in many other states known as a ro-day-oh... ro-dee-oh... rhode island. We have no idea.
In other news apparently the United States has Major League Soccer... more info on that development to follow.
When pressed about the effect the lockout had on his own life, Mr. Ochocinco replied, "It was close man. You know. It was real close. I mean, on Thursday these owners.. you know... these league owners they went on and they ratified this deal right? And all ya'll are thinking Damn straight man! Yeah! Only you didn't know that behind secret doors they were plotting right? They were plotting in secret you see. And what they passed wasn't what we were expecting. They was bamboozling us. Naturally we had to read the changes but you know what? We ran out of time. We had a deadline. Thursday night before midnight or all bets were off. That's what we told them. Well, Thursday before midnight was here and we had to go. We told them... Thursday before midnight or they'd be sweatin it."
"Mr. Ochocinco, what was the significance of Thursday night before midnight?"
"Don't you know? It was the midnight opening of Harry Potter."
"So you are saying these labor negotiations were stalled because of Harry Potter?"
Mr. Ochocinco elaborated, "That's right. And you know what, these labor negotiations are actually just like Harry Potter. You see, we are like Cedric Diggory. We were at the top of our game... playing Quidditch and entering wizarding championships like the Tri-Wizard tournament but then sh*t went downhill and we died. We tried to do what was right but we died. But then he came back, you know. He came back to life. And do you know what he came back to life as?"
"Mr. Ochocinco we don't have the slightest idea what you are talking about."
"He came back as a vampire bro. We came back as vampires."
Once again Mr. Chad Ochocinco astounds us with his unique perspective on life, the NFL, the CBA, and tweeny movies.
We were recently able to track down Albert Haynesworth who is currently in rehab for anger management therapy in a newly developed program that indoctrinates their patients with constant replays of John Lennon's timeless single "Imagine", Sting's immortal "Fields of Gold", and American Idol's own Scotty McCreery's hit single "I Love You This Big".
Mr. Haynesworth, more than a little confused on the details of the CBA was being led in a object lesson using cheeseburgers.
Doctor Philip McGraw explains,
"We had a difficult time explaining the intricacies of this new deal with Mr. Haynesworth initially but due to a brilliant breakthrough on my part I discovered the introduction of the cheeseburger and the chicken sandwich it allowed Albert to better understand the CBA in a completely new light."
Once again we are reminded of the importance of 100% Colonel Angus Certified.
But what about the fans? During this time of tribulation and sacrifice it seems that the ones most left out in the cold have been the fans of the NFL. They have pleaded and pandered for information for the past three months in hopes that there will be some kind of leak explaining exactly what is going on behind closed doors. A regular Joe NFL fan explained just last week that,
"I thought it couldn't get any worse than Brett Favre's retiring from retiring tour but this takes the cake. I almost want Brett Favre back," he said with sad eyes staring into his happy hour glass of suds.
As if on cue, our TMZ department is reporting that the Eagles apparently want Brett Favre to join the team because the only thing better than having a convicted dog killer on your team is a man that sends inappropriate pictures of his peep to women across the country.
Mr. Sad Joe NFL fan drinking your cheap beer, you may yet get your wish of another NFL pre-season filled with Brett Favre holdout soap opera news. This Bud's for you.
So here we are fellow readers and football fans. Our sport has been hijacked by the rich and famous for the past couple of months and we have been locked out of normal football operations for far too long. It has been difficult. It has been trying. But now we have arrived. We are being promised a season and there is finally something to hope for during the fall other than Octoberfest and that Zac Brown Band Concert. Life is about to get good for NFL fans.
However, for some NFL players, they are not out of the woods yet. If you are feeling generous, please consider donating to the Fat Albert Cheeseburgers for Better Understanding of the CBA Charity. As we all know, these cheeseburgers may cost money, but the information they provide is priceless..........
"There was a time, a time before cable. When the local anchorman reigned supreme. When people believed everything they heard on TV. This was an age when only men were allowed to read the news. And in San Diego, one anchorman was more man then the rest... He was like a god walking amongst mere mortals. He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr and suits so fine they made Sinatra look like a hobo. In other words, he was was the balls."
Welcome back football and real news. You have been missed.
Stay classy MHR.