In my limited time here on the Mile High Report, I have discovered a few things, creatures if you will. They are dangerous dinosaurs of old and can interrupt your blogging pleasure. Most don’t recognize these creatures for what they are until it is too late. You are trapped into an argument with one of these creatures, soon to be devoured by anger and insulting behavior. Here is a list of the creatures I have seen lurking in the jungle known as the MHR.
Overreactor Raptor – The Overreactor Raptor is a vicious creature with a hair trigger and a flair for the dramatic. They spew Hyperbole and feed on those they feel are new to Mile High Jungle. They are recognizable by the call of “How many times do I have to go over this?” and “We settled this debate long ago. Where were you?” Coaxing an Overeactor Raptor out of hiding is quite easy. Through time they have evolved an extremely strong sense of injustice. They can’t seem to resist coming to the aid of someone they feel has been misjudged by a fan. Say something as simple as “Kyle Orton fumbled in the redzone,” and the Ortosauraus breed of this dinosaur will come out, teeth bared wearing a Purdue Boilermaker Sweater. He tweets and types out statistics and invectives all the while stating that Tebow should be a water boy and Josh McDaniels should have his colon removed with 14 inch spade. This of course brings out the other breed seen lurking, Raptor Tebowus. His sense of injustice is so heightened he can barely hold his heart in his skinny chest as he furiously types away. His trademark #15 Jersey is soaked with sweat, something it has been ever since Timmy Terrific first donned the Gator colors. He swears up and down that all is lost if Tebow doesn’t start tomorrow and Orton should be run over with a Prius. While their sense of injustice is highly evolved, it has come at a cost of their underdeveloped funny bone. Jokes are never appreciated and each attempt at humor is met with scorn and disapproval, along with questions of your commitment as a fan.
Whinealotapus – The Whinealotapus is a close relative to the Overreactor Raptor. They are often seen running in packs together. Their call is slightly different and sets them apart from the Raptor species. The call is more like “So I’m an Idiot?” The Whinealotapus internalizes every post as if he himself was insulted and feeds off mistakes in the past. While forward vision is impaired, the ability to have incredible hindsight is remarkable. Whinealotapus tends to trap its prey. Know what to look for. The words “Jay Cutler” and “Peyton Hillis” are tale-tell signs of the trap set by a Whinealotapus, followed closely by “Mc___________” (insert insult here.) Overreactor Raptors and the Whinealotapus can breed. It can be a highly charged and volatile creature. The result can be seen wearing a #19 Jersey in Miami. (See Brandon Marshal)
Statasaurus – Statasaurus is an amazing creature. He lives for statistics. Not just any Statistics. The Statasaurus builds up plates of armor by seeking out statistics to defend himself. Not all statistics are good. The Statasaurus will only accept statistics that support his particular point of view. Using their eyes seems to only confuse the Statasaurus. While evolution has allowed these creatures great Google Dexterity and a keen ability to reject any stat that does not support their argument, it has rendered them incapable of making sound judgment using their eyes. Statasaurus usually comes out after losses to explain to you that the drubbing you just witnessed was not so bad. “Sure we only scored 13 points but our QB is playing at a pro-bowl level. He threw for 400 yards and had a rating of 96.” He is completely incapable of looking at the loss for what it is, a loss. Statasaurus is unable to see that those yards were garnered by an offense in panic mode, trying to catch up before time runs out, on a prevent defense full of 3rd stringers.
Those nuggets of information will make Statasaurus weak and vulnerable. Must not use those. Al Davis can be witnessed riding Thunder into a lather and Statasaurus will tell you how many times Thunder’s hooves actually hit the ground and why we should be happy about it. “Thunder looks amazing this year, doesn’t he?”
Topmiapods – Topmiapods come in all shapes and sizes and can be seen on blogs no matter the subject. After months of observation we have learned that Topmiapods thrive on argument. They usually take a defensive position and use their resume as a shield. The battle cry of the Topmiapod? “I was here when Frank Tribuka was walking the sidelines as an assistant coach! Don’t say I’m not a fan!” and “I gave lessons at the bar on The Mississippi Mud Walk long before line dancing was in vogue.” They are a very old creature and thus believe that their advanced age allows them to comment without question, challenging all who dare to “top this” when spewing out tales of yesteryear in Grandpa Simpson fashion. Topmiapods are very, very similar to the Whinealotapus, except their hindsight is clouded. They see the past they want too see, not the past that was. “Vance Johnson, now that was a receiver!” Put a Topmiapod in the same blogosphere as a Statsaurus and you have a fight to the death. Statsaurus will throw stats at his enemy to make his point while Topmiapods will ignore any and all statistical evidence relying solely on his recollection to provide a defense of revisionist history. His sole defense? (In your best On Golden Pond Kathryn Hepburn voice) “I was there, dammit! I held hands with Charley Johnson’s wife and together we willed that team to victory!” Topmiapods like to list their resume in their bio and feel that putting “played college ball” on their list somehow makes them invulnerable to criticism. They are completely oblivious to the fact that most people read few bios and when they do read them they believe they are typed by a twelve year old with access to wikipedia.
Whippersnapperasourus – Whippersnapperasourus is a baby Topmiapod. He has no experience yet is already developing that sense of “know it all.” They can be confused with a typical teenager so be careful when judging these creatures. They are convinced that Jake Plummer was the Broncos first QB and Craig Penrose is the creepy old guy who lives down the street and yells “get off my lawn!” (He very well could be, but that is the subject of a different rant.) They have very little knowledge but are undeterred in there fight for blogger supremacy. They tend to make fun of the other older dinosaurs when discussing great things that can be done with computer (see copy and paste.)
So be careful fellow bloggers! It’s a dangerous world out there! Your best defense? Get a sense of humor. Football is just a game and at the end of the day we are all nothing if not comrades, brothers in arms if you will, rooting for the same team. Okay, that was lame. But still watch out for that inner dinosaur. We all come to these pages as a chance to share about the team we love and not to be insulted because we have a different opinion. Lose the “Jane you ignorant slut!” defense and together we might just have a more enjoyable experience. Now if you’ll excuse, someone just insulted Tim Tebow. I’m sure that was directed at me! They tried to compare him to Norris Weese and bygawd he was my neighbor’s best friend’s dog groomer’s customer and I seen it with my own eyes! Where’s that stat book?