FanPost

If They Were Food -- NFL Power Rankings -- Week 5, 2012


Why do we always run to sports websites on tuesdays to see how our teams rank on the intwerwebs? Thankfully, it has no bearing on whether your team has a shot at a championship. Nevertheless, sportswriters manage to make themselves sound very important when they "power" rank, as if their judgements held any real weight. Especially funny is when they make it sound like teams should care about their ranking. So, what if we just equated the teams to food. So don't take these numbers seriously -- remember, this isn't "Lost" -- and try to enjoy another tasty helping of food power rankings.

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n.

Team

Food

Description

1

Houston Texans

Hibachi steak and lobster

A furious display of skill and taste. May be equally furious tomorrow. Get some good magazines for your bathroom.

2

Atlanta Falcons

Nolan’s Bistro

Fantastic. As long as the tempestuous chef can get along with the crew, unlike the last few restaurants he worked at.

3

San Francisco 49ers

Popcorn

A slow start leads to a flurry of fluffy kernels that are great for munching.

4

Baltimore Ravens

Hot Wings

Because you were in the mood for something with some kick in it.

5

Chicago Bears

Baby Back Ribs

A sloppy mess that’s liable to put you to sleep. If only it wasn’t food crack.

6

Arizona Cardinals

Store brand pate

Could be an affordable delicacy, or it could be relabeled cat food.

7

Philadelphia Eagles

Broccoli and Cheese Enchilada

If you put things that are great together, that makes them even greaterer!

8

New England Patriots

Mirepoix

Anything on mirepoix makes for a hearty baked dinner. It’s a clever classic.

9

Cincinnati Bengals

Fried Catfish

This bottom-feeder turned out to be fairly good with the right spices and sauce.

10

Denver Broncos

Sopapillla

Is it flaky and soft, or sweet and delicious? Depends on how you look at it.

11

Green Bay Packers

Cheez Whiz

Not exactly what you came to Wisconsin for.

12

New York Giants

Cocktail Onions

Drink away your memories with class.

13

Washington Redskins

Ten Pound Hamburger

No matter your fantasies, you’ll wind up paying for it.

14

Minnesota Vikings

Purple Drank

You’ll be left saying, "Wait, what happened?"

15

Pittsburgh Steelers

Rum Cake

I eat rum cake because I’m unhappy, and I’m unhappy because I eat rum cake.

16

San Diego Chargers

Taquitos

Great if you like to feed off of dogmeat.

17

Dallas Cowboys

Cod Liver Oil

Some marketing genius has people absolutely shelling out money for this stuff.

18

New York Jets

Mexican Corn

Fusion gone wrong. Because the sweet, acrid taste of heatless peppers goes so much better with corn than butter and salt.

19

Buffalo Bills

Shrooms

Could send you on a magic carpet ride. Or it could send you running for the toilet.

20

Detroit Lions

Kittehs

You may have seen a video regarding this on the internet. You may have needed counseling afterwards.

21

St. Louis Rams

Ghost Chili Pepper

Best known for leaving you writing in agony.

22

Seattle Seahawks

Beer-battered fish

The fish’s husband got drunk and put her in the hospital because his Seahawks lost, and now you’re going to eat her? You’re so mean.

23

New Orleans Saints

Chicken Fries

So you like chicken nuggets, but you just want a higher ratio of soggy batter to processed chicken elbows? Wish granted!

24

Miami Dolphins

Matzos

Flat and bland. If you like it, it’s probably because you grew up with it.

25

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Ramen Noodles

A money-saver that could leave you with malnutrition if you depend on it too long.

26

Carolina Panthers

Broiled Camel

Who knows what camel tastes like? It’s never on the menu.

27

Oakland Raiders

Re-re-re-refried beans

So you’re saying I should buy stock in Pepto Bismol?

28

Tennessee Titans

Badger Milk

Tired of homogenous milk? This is right up your alley!

29

Jacksonville Jaguars

Prune Juice Kool Aid

All the flavor of prunes without any of the bowel movement. Enjoy the sleepless night crying on the toilet with the taste of old people in your mouth.

30

Kansas City Chiefs

Nori

Evokes the mystery of the sea(weed) without being as filling as actual sushi.

31

Indianapolis Colts

The Vegan Steakhouse

Because it’s the charm that you actually loved about the steakhouse experience.

32

Cleveland Browns

Chicken Fried Calf Eyeballs in Okra Chutney

This is what you get when you plan a menu with a dartboard.

This is a Fan-Created Comment on MileHighReport.com. The opinion here is not necessarily shared by the editorial staff of MHR

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