If They Were Food -- NFL Power Rankings -- Week 5, 2012

Why do we always run to sports websites on tuesdays to see how our teams rank on the intwerwebs? Thankfully, it has no bearing on whether your team has a shot at a championship. Nevertheless, sportswriters manage to make themselves sound very important when they "power" rank, as if their judgements held any real weight. Especially funny is when they make it sound like teams should care about their ranking. So, what if we just equated the teams to food. So don't take these numbers seriously -- remember, this isn't "Lost" -- and try to enjoy another tasty helping of food power rankings.

n.	Team	Food	Description
1	Houston Texans	Hibachi steak and lobster	A furious display of skill and taste. May be equally furious tomorrow. Get some good magazines for your bathroom.
2	Atlanta Falcons	Nolan’s Bistro	Fantastic. As long as the tempestuous chef can get along with the crew, unlike the last few restaurants he worked at.
3	San Francisco 49ers	Popcorn	A slow start leads to a flurry of fluffy kernels that are great for munching.
4	Baltimore Ravens	Hot Wings	Because you were in the mood for something with some kick in it.
5	Chicago Bears	Baby Back Ribs	A sloppy mess that’s liable to put you to sleep. If only it wasn’t food crack.
6	Arizona Cardinals	Store brand pate	Could be an affordable delicacy, or it could be relabeled cat food.
7	Philadelphia Eagles	Broccoli and Cheese Enchilada	If you put things that are great together, that makes them even greaterer!
8	New England Patriots	Mirepoix	Anything on mirepoix makes for a hearty baked dinner. It’s a clever classic.
9	Cincinnati Bengals	Fried Catfish	This bottom-feeder turned out to be fairly good with the right spices and sauce.
10	Denver Broncos	Sopapillla	Is it flaky and soft, or sweet and delicious? Depends on how you look at it.
11	Green Bay Packers	Cheez Whiz	Not exactly what you came to Wisconsin for.
12	New York Giants	Cocktail Onions	Drink away your memories with class.
13	Washington Redskins	Ten Pound Hamburger	No matter your fantasies, you’ll wind up paying for it.
14	Minnesota Vikings	Purple Drank	You’ll be left saying, "Wait, what happened?"
15	Pittsburgh Steelers	Rum Cake	I eat rum cake because I’m unhappy, and I’m unhappy because I eat rum cake.
16	San Diego Chargers	Taquitos	Great if you like to feed off of dogmeat.
17	Dallas Cowboys	Cod Liver Oil	Some marketing genius has people absolutely shelling out money for this stuff.
18	New York Jets	Mexican Corn	Fusion gone wrong. Because the sweet, acrid taste of heatless peppers goes so much better with corn than butter and salt.
19	Buffalo Bills	Shrooms	Could send you on a magic carpet ride. Or it could send you running for the toilet.
20	Detroit Lions	Kittehs	You may have seen a video regarding this on the internet. You may have needed counseling afterwards.
21	St. Louis Rams	Ghost Chili Pepper	Best known for leaving you writing in agony.
22	Seattle Seahawks	Beer-battered fish	The fish’s husband got drunk and put her in the hospital because his Seahawks lost, and now you’re going to eat her? You’re so mean.
23	New Orleans Saints	Chicken Fries	So you like chicken nuggets, but you just want a higher ratio of soggy batter to processed chicken elbows? Wish granted!
24	Miami Dolphins	Matzos	Flat and bland. If you like it, it’s probably because you grew up with it.
25	Tampa Bay Buccaneers	Ramen Noodles	A money-saver that could leave you with malnutrition if you depend on it too long.
26	Carolina Panthers	Broiled Camel	Who knows what camel tastes like? It’s never on the menu.
27	Oakland Raiders	Re-re-re-refried beans	So you’re saying I should buy stock in Pepto Bismol?
28	Tennessee Titans	Badger Milk	Tired of homogenous milk? This is right up your alley!
29	Jacksonville Jaguars	Prune Juice Kool Aid	All the flavor of prunes without any of the bowel movement. Enjoy the sleepless night crying on the toilet with the taste of old people in your mouth.
30	Kansas City Chiefs	Nori	Evokes the mystery of the sea(weed) without being as filling as actual sushi.
31	Indianapolis Colts	The Vegan Steakhouse	Because it’s the charm that you actually loved about the steakhouse experience.
32	Cleveland Browns	Chicken Fried Calf Eyeballs in Okra Chutney	This is what you get when you plan a menu with a dartboard.

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