So, of course we all know that power rankings are silly and irrelevant. So of course, it's humorous how seriously they are written by "professionals." And, obviously, my food power rankings are just passe. So, this week, let's take a look at NFL teams -- if they were toys. How do they rank?
n. |
Team |
Toy |
Description |
1 |
Nintendo |
Face it, if you open your Nintendo box and find anything other than a Nintendo system, you’re going to freakin lose it. |
|
2 |
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles |
Before Wade-ing in mutagenic ooze, these turtles were slow and weak, but now they’re kicking butt and eating pizza. |
|
3 |
Teddy Ruxpin |
Cute, and also probably inspired Chucky. |
|
4 |
G.I. Joe |
All it needs is a fireball in the background, and you get the picture. |
|
5 |
M.A.S.K. |
Does a lot of stuff, and, whatever you need to hear, yeah, it just kicks butt. |
|
6 |
Transformers |
If you don’t know how awesome Transformers are, you suck at toys. |
|
7 |
Hot Wheels |
Fun to play with. Even more fun to crush in a vice. |
|
8 |
He-Man |
Might be trying a bit too hard, but hey it’s almost as cool as Turtles. |
|
9 |
Power Wheels |
Nothing is quite like flattening losers in a ride that shows your superior status. |
|
10 |
Fake Tattoo |
One of these puppies and a can of Odouls, and everyone will know who’s cool. |
|
11 |
Cap Gun |
Kind of old fashioned, but you can’t say loud noises aren’t fun. |
|
12 |
My Pet Monster |
Ugly, scary, cool. |
|
13 |
My Little Pony |
Aw, wat cute widdew horsies! |
|
14 |
Super Balls |
May surprise you with a black eye on one of its rebounds. |
|
15 |
BedBugs |
Madcap action with a slightly disturbing undercurrent. |
|
16 |
Spirograph |
Nothing like a toy that subtly influences you to try hallucinogens later in life. |
|
17 |
Legos |
Regardless of what’s on the box, you just see how high you can build a tower before it falls apart. |
|
18 |
Marbles |
Nice to look at, but nobody remembers how to play anymore. |
|
19 |
Slip and Slide |
Not so fun when it’s a rocky ride. |
|
20 |
Mouse Trap |
Every so often, you play it again to confirm that it’s more fun in theory than in fact. |
|
21 |
Pick Up Sticks |
So now a job description is a toy? What’s next, "Clean Up Room?" |
|
22 |
Pogs |
Remember when these were popular. What a overpriced, useless piece of crap. |
|
23 |
Silly Putty |
Copying 2008’s headlines sure is fun, aint it? |
|
24 |
Stick |
It’s like a free toy for people without money. Guess you’ll just look on with envy as others play with their real toys. |
|
25 |
Slime |
It’s cool until it gets full of dirt and hair and basically becomes a synthetic booger. |
|
26 |
Slinky |
You like to watch it fall. |
|
27 |
Cabbage Patch Kids |
A ton of hype for a toy that does nothing. |
|
28 |
Fake poop |
Uh… That’s not fake. |
|
29 |
Jacks |
Nothing like toy caltrops to piss off the folks. |
|
30 |
M.U.S.C.L.E. men |
The fact that they come in a garbage can should tell you something. |
|
31 |
Underwear (tighty whities) |
Thanks, Mom. I was really afraid this was just a crappy Playstation game until I unwrapped it. Having three new pairs of underwear is so much more fun. |
|
32 |
Go Bots |
Modeled after the most awesome toys ever, but they’re just cheap and disappointing. |