FanPost

If They Were Toys -- NFL Power Rankings -- Week 10, 2012

So, of course we all know that power rankings are silly and irrelevant. So of course, it's humorous how seriously they are written by "professionals." And, obviously, my food power rankings are just passe. So, this week, let's take a look at NFL teams -- if they were toys. How do they rank?

n.

Team

Toy

Description

1

Atlanta Falcons

Nintendo

Face it, if you open your Nintendo box and find anything other than a Nintendo system, you’re going to freakin lose it.

2

Houston Texans

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Before Wade-ing in mutagenic ooze, these turtles were slow and weak, but now they’re kicking butt and eating pizza.

3

Chicago Bears

Teddy Ruxpin

Cute, and also probably inspired Chucky.

4

San Francisco 49ers

G.I. Joe

All it needs is a fireball in the background, and you get the picture.

5

Green Bay Packers

M.A.S.K.

Does a lot of stuff, and, whatever you need to hear, yeah, it just kicks butt.

6

New England Patriots

Transformers

If you don’t know how awesome Transformers are, you suck at toys.

7

New York Giants

Hot Wheels

Fun to play with. Even more fun to crush in a vice.

8

Baltimore Ravens

He-Man

Might be trying a bit too hard, but hey it’s almost as cool as Turtles.

9

Denver Broncos

Power Wheels

Nothing is quite like flattening losers in a ride that shows your superior status.

10

Pittsburgh Steelers

Fake Tattoo

One of these puppies and a can of Odouls, and everyone will know who’s cool.

11

Seattle Seahawks

Cap Gun

Kind of old fashioned, but you can’t say loud noises aren’t fun.

12

Minnesota Vikings

My Pet Monster

Ugly, scary, cool.

13

Indianapolis Colts

My Little Pony

Aw, wat cute widdew horsies!

14

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Super Balls

May surprise you with a black eye on one of its rebounds.

15

Detroit Lions

BedBugs

Madcap action with a slightly disturbing undercurrent.

16

Miami Dolphins

Spirograph

Nothing like a toy that subtly influences you to try hallucinogens later in life.

17

San Diego Chargers

Legos

Regardless of what’s on the box, you just see how high you can build a tower before it falls apart.

18

New Orleans Saints

Marbles

Nice to look at, but nobody remembers how to play anymore.

19

Cincinnati Bengals

Slip and Slide

Not so fun when it’s a rocky ride.

20

Dallas Cowboys

Mouse Trap

Every so often, you play it again to confirm that it’s more fun in theory than in fact.

21

Arizona Cardinals

Pick Up Sticks

So now a job description is a toy? What’s next, "Clean Up Room?"

22

New York Jets

Pogs

Remember when these were popular. What a overpriced, useless piece of crap.

23

Washington Redskins

Silly Putty

Copying 2008’s headlines sure is fun, aint it?

24

St. Louis Rams

Stick

It’s like a free toy for people without money. Guess you’ll just look on with envy as others play with their real toys.

25

Buffalo Bills

Slime

It’s cool until it gets full of dirt and hair and basically becomes a synthetic booger.

26

Oakland Raiders

Slinky

You like to watch it fall.

27

Philadelphia Eagles

Cabbage Patch Kids

A ton of hype for a toy that does nothing.

28

Cleveland Browns

Fake poop

Uh… That’s not fake.

29

Carolina Panthers

Jacks

Nothing like toy caltrops to piss off the folks.

30

Jacksonville Jaguars

M.U.S.C.L.E. men

The fact that they come in a garbage can should tell you something.

31

Tennessee Titans

Underwear (tighty whities)

Thanks, Mom. I was really afraid this was just a crappy Playstation game until I unwrapped it. Having three new pairs of underwear is so much more fun.

32

Kansas City Chiefs

Go Bots

Modeled after the most awesome toys ever, but they’re just cheap and disappointing.

This is a Fan-Created Comment on MileHighReport.com. The opinion here is not necessarily shared by the editorial staff of MHR

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