Right when I thought the Ravens and their fans couldn't get any dumber, they go ahead and pull this stunt.... and totally prove me wrong! Terrell Suggs has a Costco sized tinfoil hat on to cover up that big ugly noggin of his. Suggs is accusing Roger Goodell of putting in the fix for the Super Bowl AND playing favorites in their Week 1 game against the Denver Broncos. Suuuuuurrrrrrreeeeeee the fix was in Terrell. I mean, it isn't like Goodell had anything better to do than freak out, run down some random hallway and take a fire axe to the breaker box of the Superdome! "I know this will work! This has to work!" he was heard screaming as he wielded that axe towards the unlucky power cables! I don't know about you, but this sounds like the likely scenario to me!
While I'm on topic of the sore winner and even sorer loser Terrell Suggs, he says that when he came out to warm up on the field before the game, he saw Goodell talking and laughing with John Elway. This may seem meaningless to you, me, and every player in the NFL, but it obviously means that the fix was in on the Week 1 drubbing at the hands of the Broncos! Are you serious? You mean that the commissioner of the NFL (i.e. the OWNER'S representative) was yucking it up with John Elway (2nd in command) that that means that Peyton Manning would throw 7 TD's, 0 INT's, and completely destroy the Ravens? Puh-lease!!!!!!! If he came out of the tunnel 5 minutes earlier, he probably would have seen Goodell talking to someone from the Ravens; Or maybe not. I mean, what would they really talk about? How crappy the city of Baltimore is? How on a nice warm summer day the breeze off the ocean wafts the smell of garbage and rotting corpses that Ray Ray left in his wake into the stadium? So maybe Suggs did have a point. Maybe Goodell really does like Denver better than Baltimore, but when you think about it, who could blame him? At least Denver has a working and operational public waste system!
Oh no you didn't Tony "homer" Dungy!!! You didn't just say that the 2005 Colts were really better than the 2013 Denver Broncos! Look, I try to not use a ton of stats in these articles, but through 4 weeks of the 2005 season, the Indianapolis Colts (who just so happened to be coached by Dungy), scored 78 whopping points! 78! That's not a typo, 78 mind blowing points!!! The 2013 Broncos? 179! That's 101 MORE POINTS than the "who would you rather have, Marvin Harrison or DT" 2005 Colts! C'mon Dungy, I'm not even that big of a homer! Who would I rather have, Marvin Harrison or the "Dad, I've never played with such a physical freak like Demaryius Thomas"? Hmm.. let me think.... I'll take the dude that is so damn gifted that Peyton called his father to brag about him! I'll take DT's pace of 5,000 receiving yards and 900 TDs in 2013 than Marvin's 1,146 and 12 TDs. Who would I rather have, Reggie Wayne or Eric Decker? Well, that's unfair seeing we know what Wayne became! In 2005, he had 1,055 yards and 5 TDs, so if I put blinders on, I'm taking Decker simply because when you ask that ridiculous question, you can't put the "body of work" into your discussion. In 2005, the Wayne story was still being written, much like the Decker story is. When you ask that question, you can't use revisionist's history to answer it. I think Decker will a) have more than 1,055 yards and b) have more than 5 touchdowns this year, so yes, I'm taking ED (I'm assuming it doesn't stand for the bad ED or Jesse would be whining and complaining on their reality show about his "performance"). C'mon Dungy, who would you rather have, Dallas Clark or Julius Thomas? Hmm, lets see.... JT after 4 games almost has the entire 2005 season worth of stats of Clark. Oh, by the way Tony, you forgot to mention someone, so I feel compelled to mention him. Here it goes... "Who would YOU, Tony Dungy, rather have, 2005 Brandon Stokley? Or 2013 Wes Welker?"... 2005 Stokley had 543 yards and 1 touchdown for the season. Welker already has 266 yards and 6 touchdowns! I'm taking Wes all freaking day! The only one he got right was the Edgerrin James comparison. I'd rather have the 2005 Edge than Knowshon Moreno, even though, if Knowshon keeps this up, I just might change my mind.
My point of this long rant? It's that Tony Dungy needs to be drug tested, because the drivel that is coming out of his mouth is so idiotic that being high on the set of Football Night in America and the Dan Patrick show is the only possible explanation. Either that or he's going senile and probably thinks that Jimmy Carter is still the president.
Seattle actually lost the game last week, Roger Goodell is just too afraid to tell them!... The Seahawks have already been to Mars, that's why there are no signs of life!.... Seattle already scored infinity; Twice!.... Richard Sherman is the reason why Waldo is hiding!... The Seahawks can win a game of Connect 4 in only three moves!... Russell Wilson was bit by a rattlesnake. After three days of pain and suffering, the snake died!... Pete Carrol made a Happy Meal cry!... The fear of spiders is arachnophobia, the fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia, fear of the Seattle Seahawks is called Logic!
My goodness, I have never seen a team quite as good as Seattle! It takes a team for the ages to make another team beat themselves! The Texans were so afraid of the Seahawk that they decided it would be easier to beat themselves as opposed to beating Seattle. Talk about a limp wristed throw during an epic tank job by Matt Schaub and the Texans! The worst part about that game is that now, not only are the Seahawks the greatest team ever, but they can "battle back from adversity" and come from behind to win a game on the road! I have it on good authority that Suggs saw Goodell talking to Pete Carrol all the way from Baltimore. He must have been standing on top of a trash pile to see it all the way from there! We get it Seattle, you can win big at home and you can come from behind on the road. The Chiefs might as well forfeit the game when you meet them in the Super Bowl for the next 10 straight years!
And speaking of Kansas City, how about those undefeated Chiefs? Some would say that they are the Broncos main competition, but (and I'm about to go on a Rocky 3 quote-a-thon here), but KC rejects that challenge, because the Broncos are no challenge. I overheard Alex Smith say that he "bets Peyton Manning stays up late at night dreaming he had a real team. He told him to bring his pretty little self on over to KC, and he'll show him a real team!". I fear that when we play them, Andy Reid is gonna tell John Fox to get that has-been QB out of his sideline and that he better get that bad look off his face before he knocks it off. You wanna jump? Then JUMP! C'mon, C'mon Fox! The poor Broncos don't stand a chance! Vegas says that the Broncos are impossible to handicap; Well, the only problem they'll have handicapping this game is whether or not to have the Chiefs beat the Broncos by 57 or 67 points!
See, the Broncos are on a historic run, in the wrong direction! 179 points through 4 games? Only 11 "meaningful" points given up per game in non-garbage-time? Bah, that's for the birds. The real issue with the Broncos is that they allow 250 yards per game in the air. It doesn't matter that those yards lead to no points or that they are mostly in garbage time, this is a real problem. The Broncos are lucky to be 4-0 with horrible defensive production like that! It's a good thing we haven't played
the defending champs, the champs before them, a division rival, and the amazing anybody, or else we'd be 0-4. Help us Tony Dungy, you're our only hope!
That's it for this week. Leave your bestest and funniest overreactions in the comments below!