5. New York Giants (Away)
Hey, anytime brothers meet it's going to be chaos. All the years of wet-willies, noogies, practical jokes, and for Peyton the fact that Eli has found it easy to do what he himself has had trouble with (beating Tom Brady and the Patriots), make for great TV. I hear that you can't spell Elite without Eli, but I know for sure you can't spell forehead without Peyton. There's no real animosity here, but I bet you both want bragging rights. More importantly I hear from an inside source that the loser has to do the chores in Archie's house during vacations. TIME TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH ELI!!!
4. Washington Redskins (Home)
Oh my, what big teeth you have....what Redskin you have. Many folks think the nickname "Redskin" is an outdated racially charged slur referring to Native Americans. Not true. The name comes from an old D.C. prophecy that foretold the coaching tenure of Mike Shanahan. Hotel? Forgettaboutit! Redskins players will shack up for the night at Casa de Rojo's
meager humble 36,000 sq. foot tanning salon and dine at "Shanahan's" where something delicious is always cooking! But remember Skins' fans, Mike "Shanahaned" TD in the Super Bowl long before he "Shanahaned" RGIII in the playoffs! The biggest question going into this one, will he demand RGIII (or Kirk Cousins) throw a ball or two at Pat Bowlen in warmups?
3. Indianapolis Colts (Away)
Shrek Andrew Luck may now be the Ogre QB for the Indianapolis Colts, but Peyton made a high number of rookie-season interceptions fashionable way before "Neckbeard II" had inklings of usurping #18's throne. 2011 was a sobering year for the Colts. They figured out just how bad they were and how much Peyton carried them over the years, they learned that Bill Pollian was a terrible GM, and they learned 20+million was a helluva lot of dough to fork over to someone in a neckbrace. A heartfelt thanks goes out to Mr. Irsay. We appreciate the daggar in Peyton's back. Without it we'd still be running (literally) with the Teebster. My guess is, Peyton goes back to Indy, walks into Lucas Oil Field, and burns that sumbitch to the ground! They don't call it "The house that Peyton built for nothing!"
2. New England Patriots (Away)
That's right Mr. Gisele, he's laughing at you. Not only did you
restructure undergo a colon-oscopy at the hands of Bob Kraft, but you did so to pay the salary of some dude that sounds like a deadly West-African hemorrhagic fever in Amendola. As my sig says--and I always tell the truth (even when I lie), you took a pay cut so Mr. Manning could throw your best bro the ball. That's got to sting you right down to your Uggs amirite? Feel free to carry on with your legacy metrosexuality Tommy Slice, but remember that Hoodie expects all Patriots to be good little foot soldiers!
1. The Baltimore Flacco's (Home)
There's just too too much involved to not put this game at #1. Rahim "The Dream" Moore, Champ "Burn Unit" Bailey, Bill "mob bait" Vinovich, Peyton "9 and 11" Manning. Not to mention the fact that Burt "big stacks" Flacco is laughing all the way to the bank off the heels of
one of the greatest postseasons throwing S@#$ up and getting lucky. I nsider Brian Shrout tells me Flacco is going to take the Broncos secondary out to dinner at "Elway's" as a thank you. Apparently, he invited John Fox as well but I hear Coach opted to take a knee instead.
Any of this would be big enough without the wheeling and dealings of Elvis "I need to feel wanted" Dumervil. But it is officially on now. Sorry Doom but you signed one year too late and left one year too early. You're gonna miss out on the Lombardi over a bruised ego and procrastination. No worries though, I'll get Elway to fax you over a picture of our Super Bowl ring right after it's minted. Please wait at Kinko's during the hours of 9:00AM-5:00PM to receive it.
There you have it MHR, my top 5 games to look forward to in 2013. Out of these 5, which match-up are you looking forward to the most?
Note: I didn't include any AFC West games because Alex Smith, Terrell Pryor, and Phyllis Rivers along with Andy "I am the Walrus" Reed do not constitute real competition.