If They Were Food -- Week 7 Power Rankings

There's a certain fascination with taking a look at where sportswriters have ranked the NFL teams each week, but their attachment to their own opinions can be comical. Most power rankings end up being overblown affairs full of vanity, as writers tease teams with the prospect of a higer ranking if they can just defeat one more opponent. I think it is much more amusing to just decide which food a team is. Hey, if you beat cotton candy, you might just rise to become a chili dog. Browse past the jump to see where the teams rank this week on the culinary food chain.

Week 6 Rankings




1. New England Patriots


When has bacon ever not been good? Other than during your cholesterol test.

2. New York Jets


Give it a long time to slow-cook, and you'll want to eat yourself into a double chin, too.

3. Pittsburgh Steelers (4)

Candy Cigarettes

Tasty? Sure. But It's wrong. It's just wrong.

4. Baltimore Ravens (3)


They say it doesn't melt in your hand, but it does melt on the dashboard. Then it's just a brown mess with chitinous candy shavings.

5. Philadelphia Eagles (10)

Tartar sauce

It's good, though it will always be compared to cocktail sauce, which has more of a zing.

6. Tennessee Titans (7)

Bread sticks

They're good, but forgettable. By the middle of your meal, you'll be annoyed you ate them.

7. Indianapolis Colts (15)

Fried Green Tomatoes

It's just a tomato with some bread crumbs. Brings to mind a movie you'd probably sleep through.

8. Houston Texans (13)

Carrot cake

It's got a lot of good things going on, but it's still a cake with carrot in it, and that's just plain wrong.

9. New York Giants (12)


Looks like more than it is. Put it on top of a light dessert, and it's good.

10. New Orleans Saints (18)

Stone-ground mustard

You thought it was just a cheap condiment. Then it knocked your tooth out.

11. Washington Redskins (16)

Fajita plate

It's good, but they can't seem to put it together. You'll have to do it yourself.

12. Atlanta Falcons (1)

Salt peter

It's not exciting.

13. Kansas City Chiefs (6)

Baby food

Have you ever seen a baby when someone's trying to make them eat this stuff? Do you think it's good?

14. Green Bay Packers (9)

White chocolate

They call it white chocolate to try and make it sound special. Actually, this is what's left over after you take the good stuff out of cocoa to make real chocolate. Basically, it's candy poop, and you're paying full price for it.

15. Miami Dolphins (14)

Canned tuna

Note that the can doesn't say "dolphin safe." Makes children cry.

16. Chicago Bears (11)

That pizza place that delivers to Great Lakes Naval Training Center

Only by delivering to taste buds desensitized by boot camp food could you get away with this. Tastes like the sauce was mixed in the owner's colon. It was.

17. St. Louis Rams (21)

Lemon zest cookie

Some genius made a cookie out of junk that you would normally spit out into the garbage in distaste. It's actually pretty good.

18. Seattle Seahawks (23)

Beermeister Chelada

These geniuses made soup good for the road by adding it to a 40 ounce bottle of beer. May cause spontaneous vomiting.

19. Cincinnati Bengals (19)

Crab Wontons at mini mall Chinese restaurant

Who knew the wontons that made you blow chunks last winter would make you sick again?

20. Denver Broncos (20)

Taco House

Blasted by the New York Times food critic. But who scheduled the New York Times food critic for Taco House, anyway? This place is fine. Just shew the flies over to someone else's table.

21. Jacksonville Jaguars (15)

Cheap taco shell

It's fine if you want a weak-sauce bean taco. But drop in some real meat and it falls apart.

22. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (17)


Take the crap from the bottom of a beer still and turn it into jelly. That's vegemite. The only people who like it live directly under an enormous hole in the ozone layer. Coincidence?

23. Minnesota Vikings (26)

Shark steak

It doesn't look so mean now that it's in pieces. Don't think this shark will do much harm, now.

24. San Diego Chargers (24)

Christmas Turkey

The cook put the turkey in the oven an hour before the guests were due. Should have known better. Now Christmas will be over before it's good.

25. Detroit Lions (25)


Nothing but potential, and that's the way it's going to stay until someone qualified does something about it.

26. Dallas Cowboys (27)

Continental breakfast at the Hotel Suave

It sounds great, but it's not what you think. Travel boxes of cereal and canned fruit? This breakfast is a lie.

27. Cleveland Browns (29)

MacDowel's Sausage, Egg, & Cheese MacMuffin

Why would you pay four bucks for something made entirely out of the cheapest ingredients that it is humanly possible to make breakfast with? I guess it beats the two dollar Butter MacPat.

28. Arizona Cardinals (28)

Mayonnaise Sandwich

You traded your lunchmeat to get this mayonnaise, so now you should have a really juicy sandwich.

29. San Francisco 49ers (31)

Canned Vienna Sausages

Tastes like rancid toe fungus, but it's pasteurized to ensure it will forever be just as good as it is now.

30. Oakland Raiders (22)

Undercooked Chicken Tempura

Everything seems fine based on the coating, but it gives you simultaneous projectile vomiting and diarrhea.

31. Carolina Panthers (30)

Every Flavor Jelly Beans

They've pulled the unpopular booger bean to make space in their line for the earwax bean, which they previously pulled to make space for the booger bean.

32. Buffalo Bills (32)

Gummi Worms

Not the candy. The maggots live in the gums of those with extraordinarily poor dental hygiene. Nothing to smile about.

Thanks for patronizing our establishment!

This is a Fan-Created Comment on The opinion here is not necessarily shared by the editorial staff of MHR.