If They Were Food -- Week 4 Power Rankings

I'll tell you what, Power Rankings are sort of equal parts fascinating, pretentious, and boring. The most interesting parts to me are the explanations. Thus the inspiration for the debut of my "If They Were Food" NFL Power Rankings. Read on and hopefully you'll be mildly amused. Oh, and if you take this seriously then I don't know how to help you.




1. New Orleans Saints

Blackened Fish at Le Canard Cajun Cookin'

The plaquards on the wall say they won the Best of New Orleans last year, but the food on your plate doesn't quite look as good as the picture on the menu.

2. Indianapolis Colts

Mickey's Italian Bar & Grill spaghetti and meatballs

Oh, it's good. Like, when nobody can think of what they want to eat, Mickey's always comes up like some kind of cliché. Cliché, yeah, because it's so good it's kind of boring.

3. Pittsburgh Steelers

Papa Rooney's Breakfast number 7 breakfast platter

They're out of bacon right now, but the owner swears they'll have more in a couple weeks. In the meantime, the platter is surprisingly good - though the customers are generally too hung over to be that discerning.

4. New York Jets

Red Dog Sports Bar bacon potato skins

The food is starting to live up to the hype, but you hate to go during peak hours because the regulars tend to be obnoxious.

5. Philadelphia Eagles

Anything on Senior Juan's menu, provided you get a Vick margarita

The Vick margaritas are good enough to make anything you order seem good, but if they didn't have those...

6. Atlanta Falcons

Dodie's Chicken n' Waffles

It's generally good at least 4 days out of the week, but you can't really find a restaurant most places.

7. Miami Dolphins

Gyro from Gyro Stand cart

The lamb is good, but on the whole the gyro is really plain. It's just good enough that you never wind up thinking you'll never eat there again afterwards, but you always wind up wishing you ate somewhere else.

8. Kansas City Chiefs

Sleazy taco stand tacos

They've been shut down by the health department for a couple years, but it's supposed to be pretty good, now.

9. Houston Texans

The second most-popular pizza franchise

There pizza's been an afterthought for years, but thanks to a recent aggressive campaign their image, if not their food, is improved.

10. Green Bay Packers

University sandwich shop meatball sub

It's sorta good, but you ordered a turkey club - 17 mistakes later, you're looking at your dripping sub, speechless.

11. Baltimore Ravens

The swanky bistro in the town's most expensive suburb

The food is pretty good, but it feels like they're only doing just enough to get your business. Given the chef's pedigree listed on the back of the menu, you can't help feeling like it should really be better.

12. Cincinnati Bengals

Marco's Family Buffet

Is it cheap, or actually clever and competitive? It's hard to decide. Some dishes are good, some have been sitting around too long, and in the end you feel embarrassed to be eating at a buffet.

13. Chicago Bears

Pizza from Food Court at dilapidated mall

The pizza is serviceable, but it only really looks because it's the only food that isn't being served by greasy nose-picking teens.

14. Dallas Cowboys

Burger from Humungo Burger chain

Everyone thinks they like Humungo Burger because they spend the most money on advertising, but when you go there you get the impression they're not really trying.

15. New England Patriots

Cap'n Hooks Fish n' Chips

Thanks to a long-standing good record, you really expect it to be good. But you went there a few times in the last couple of years and it tasted off, like they needed to change the fryer grease.

16. Tennessee Titans

Ken Schmucky Fried Chicken 3 piece meal

The fried chicken is the star, but it always seems like at least one of the side dishes isn't good.

17. Seattle Seahawks

Chinese delivery Orange Chicken

It's pretty good at home, but it's a mess on the road.

18. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Monkey Island chilli dog

So someone dragged you there against your will, and it was surprisingly good. But when you went back alone the next week, it was awful. What is this place?

19. New York Giants

Slider Shack burger

Hasn't really been as good since the FDA made them take the onion slider off the menu when it was caught with e-coli in a nightclub. Goes down kind of rough now.

20. Denver Broncos

Sashimi at that trendy downtown Sushi Bar

Yeah, it's pretty good, but after what seems like a record-breaking volume of the stuff, it's not really getting the job done.

21. Minnesota Vikings

Chidress' Steak House

Everyone liked last year's ribeye so much, the owner decided to put last year's ribeye on the menu again - literally. It's getting kind of old, now, and tastes a bit off.

22. Washington Redskins

Joe's Diner, any meal

The dinner rolls are freaking great, but that's kind of missing the point since all the entrees suck really bad.

23. San Diego Chargers

Hot Apple Cider

It's not really good until it gets cold out.

24. Oakland Raiders


Is that a restaurant? The guy out front cussing and beating his head seems to be the owner (or a drunk homeless guy). Maybe you could ask him... But it might be safer to just drive on.

25. Detroit Lions

Dick's Crab Shack

Every time they have something good, the supply guy at the dock seems to run out. Did they piss him off or something? You almost want to feel bad for them, but then maybe they really are just dicks.

26. Arizona Cardinals

That sandwich from a couple days ago that might be a science project now

The window might already be closed on this one. It kind of smells alright, but it's been on the counter a couple days and you know you shouldn't eat it. You're just waiting for the mold to show, and you'll probably throw it out.

27. St. Louis Rams

Just Wings hot wings

What happened? This place was the bomb before you went off to college, but you got back into town and ordered it, and it caused projectile vomiting. Dave says he had it the other day, though, and it was good.

28. Jacksonville Jaguars

Sandwish Shop (sic)

Just another sandwich shop. This town has tons of them. You ate there once, and it was okay maybe. Who cares? There's better sandwich places around.

29. Cleveland Browns

Teddy's Place

What do they serve there? Nobody's ever parked outside that place. I thought they were condemned. The dumpster out back smells awful, man. WTF don't eat there.

30. Carolina Panthers

Bruce's Diner

They pride themselves on their meat and potatoes dishes. Their meat and potatoes dishes aren't very good.

31. San Francisco 49ers

‘Just South of Montana' Western Grill

The manager always comes out to your table to see how your meal is. It WAS good a long time ago, but now it sucks. The manager's breath stinks, too.

32. Buffalo Bills

Beechwood Café

The menu changes every day, it seems. But whoever is making the recipes up must be pasting ingredients to a dart board and throwing darts blindfolded. Nothing tastes right at all.

This is a Fan-Created Comment on The opinion here is not necessarily shared by the editorial staff of MHR.