Hello everyone. First of all, I'd like to say thanks to Kyle here at MHR for inviting me to write silly things about our Broncos. I read MHR all the time and find it one of the best places to get insightful, engaging Broncos content. I will be providing none of that. I routinely post food-related nonsense over at the SB Nation mothership, but I often have to dial back the Broncos homerism there and say nice things about other teams. NOT SO HERE. I hope you enjoy these as much as I enjoy making them.
Earlier this week, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers unveiled new uniforms consisting of random shreds of brown fabric and a bizarre, reflective calculator font that if you read upside down spells naughty words. The internet responded exactly how it responds to anything: 45 seconds of rampant vitriol, malice, and derision until it forgot and reverted to corgi pictures and True Detective theories. Still, the fact remains, Nike swooped in and took a franchise that had a signature look and color scheme, XTREMIFIED IT, and continued on the path to turn everyone into the Oregon Ducks.
What does this mean for our beloved Broncos? The Broncos are undoubtedly a marquee team and get a ton of national exposure - as an out of state fan, I was able to watch 14 out of 16 games without Sunday Ticket - and as long as Peyton Manning still has a neck and hasn't choked on tapenade, they'll be a league leader for the foreseeable future. It makes sense that Nike would have its sights set on Denver, and we know that Broncos brass has let them completely remake the team before.
So, in order to head off certain ruin, I went ahead and redesigned the Broncos uniforms with NEW, FUTURISTIC, UNIQUE ELEMENTS that should set our team above everyone else. Let's get started:
STEP 1) Here's what we're used to. Hi Peyton! Just standing there at the line, calling a few audibles? That's cool. That's cool.
STEP 2) It's okay. I mean, I like the orange. Even if it apparently stripped the team of Super Bowl powers, I enjoy seeing the stands at Mile High as one sheet of orange. It's our signature color in the NFL - the team should keep it. But it has to be said: the uniforms are getting a bit dated. That font screams 1990's. And now, teams are loading up on EDGY, ANGRY, POINTY FONTS. We can go one better:
STEP 4) The Broncos helmet was awesome when it came out in 1997. The stripe is sorta kinda like an orange mane! Oh man, the cyber-horse on the side is angry! Nowadays, it's lost a bit of luster. It's okay, but we can do a lot better. Do you know what seems amazing and never, ever feels like a bad decision a few years down the road?
Now we're getting somewhere. Luminescent fabric! We won't even need stadium lights! That will make the planet happy! (Caution: The fabric contains enriched uranium. Please dispose of used jerseys in the sealed, lead dumpsters at each exit gate of the stadium where you picked up your injury waiver.)
STEP 8) The only real downside here is that sooner or later, smoke will start filling the stadium, which may impede the progress of Broncos players as they run untouched down the field among the charred corpses of their enemies. So, in order to promote player safety, we'll install the following new feature to Broncos helmets: