It is the Bye Week, and that usually means no real football to talk about.
But that's the opinion of Broncos fans who have not met Whorfin and have no idea the awesome-sauce he can bring to any Broncos discussion.
So to spare us from our Bye Week Blues, Whorfin has many things to remind us - and even warn us - about these Broncos. (*editor's note: none of those have anything to do with math or statistics, but they have everything to do with the greatest NFL team on the planet!)
Broncos Bye Week
MHR - 6-0 heading into the bye with tough opponents on the flip side. How confident are you in the Broncos' success after this Bye Week?
Whorfin: As Grand Inquisitor for The Directorate of Homerism, I am duty-bound to state emphatically that I am extremely confident in our prospects of continued success going forward.
MHR - New coach. New scheme. New attitude. No.1 defense. Undefeated. All this while the quarterback isn't playing so hot and the offense is up and down. Remind us why we shouldn't be freaking out right now.
Whorfin: Mile High Magic, baby!! Right now, we seemed to be mired in this "I'll believe it when I see it" attitude. The opposite is what's true: "You'll see it when you believe it." I'll tell you, if you believe, you will see.
MHR - Can you explain the "UWR" and "SAUWR"... and where we sit with that right now?
Whorfin: Unacceptable Win Rating and Seasonally Adjusted Unacceptable Win Rating.
Devised by oxmouth and Saguarobronco respectively, these metrics gauge the negative reaction of the fanbase to each win individually and our undefeated record thus far. There's a whole bunch of arithmetic and math-like stuff or something that goes into deriving the exact number, and it's all proprietary and hush-hush. I do know that the higher the number, the more "unsatisfactory" the win is perceived. I can say that both the UWR and the SAUWR are at unprecedented levels.
MHR - The Peyton v. Brock debate is starting to look like a political election where each camp is firmly entrenched and every opportunity is a stump speech (which is soooooo boring). So, taking football out of the equation, which quarterback do you think would be better for:
- Winning a pie-eating contest? Brock. At 6'-8", he's got the height to store it all away. (DRINK!)
- Breast-feeding (trick question but if anyone can figure it out, you can)? Brock, because he has years of experience not wearing parts of his uniform, such as his helmet, for long stretches of time.
- Going undercover in a lesbian motorcycle gang? If John Lithgow can pull off being a lesbian, I think Peyton can do at least as well. Can't be any harder than singing in a barbershop quartet.
- Doing the Argentine Tango on Dancing with the Stars? Has to be Brock. He's the one who can still move his legs. Although, when it's his turn on the floor, I would hope he remembers to have his entire costume ready.
- Wearing "the Shirt" without cracking a smile? Neither. It is impossible to wear The Shirt and not smile. Wearing The Shirt means the Broncos are playing, and who can help but smile when our Beloved Broncos are on the TV?
MHR - Now that we've got that settled, which offensive player has been your favorite over the first six games?
Whorfin: I want to say Owen Daniels because he has this unique talent for making everyone else on the team look good, but I don't think that's what you're asking. So, I'll say Emmanuel Sanders. He has been Mr. Clutch in all the games. His portion of the KOA pre-game show is a "can't miss" for me; the guy has an absolutely wonderful attitude. I've read complaints about using him for fielding punts, but the first time someone else is in there, well, thank you Mr. Bibbs, that was a game-saver.
- Which one needs the most improvement? Well, to our HoF-bound GOAT (and trust me, I know goats) and most important asset on the team, I'll pass on this time-tested wisdom passed from generation to generation. Make us dance and sing along, Mr. Manning, like I know you can.
- Who deserves a raise? Me. Without a doubt. I do. A big fat one.
- Who should be benched? A glance at the injury report tells me there are enough guys on the bench. This is a team sport and everybody has his role to play. I look forward to all of the guys on the team doing what they can to bring home a win.
Play that funky music white boy.
Lay down the boogie and play that funky music till you die.
Play that funky music right.
Play that funky music white boy.
MHR - Which plays from this offensive playbook so far need the Cancel Hole ®?
Whorfin: I think the bubble screen has outlived its usefulness, unless getting Colquitt more room to punt is the objective. For that, it works pretty well.
MHR - What type of plays would you like to see instead?
Whorfin: For bread and butter, more runs to the edge instead of up the gut. Hillman showed us what he can do with a sealed edge. For exotic stuff, jet sweeps, direct snaps to the fullback (we have one of those, don't we?) or the running back from the pistol/shotgun. If I really let my imagination run wild, I'd like to see some passes get completed.
MHR - The defense is on fire. Is it the best you can remember since you've been a Broncos fan?
Whorfin: Yes and no. I'm old enough to remember the Orange Crush, and I am pleased to see its return to Mile High. It has returned with a vengeance.
MHR - Which defense was better?
Whorfin: I like both. Both are tenacious (no, I will not curse us by saying "vaunted") defenses, but they're different. The Orange Crush swallowed up the bad guy offense, consumed it in a way that there was little trace of them. Orange Crush 2.0 (and yes, I will go there) seems flashier. Bad guy offenses are seen, but they're made to pay and pay dearly. One has to remember that the rule changes in the intervening forty years have really benefitted the offense, so OC 2.0 is that much more impressive.
MHR - What would be a good theme song for this Defense (forget about nicknames...we need to move right along to jingles)?
Whorfin: The William Tell Overture
MHR - Wade Phillips and Bill Kollar have been singled out for being difference makers this year in the defense's play. Do you believe the "coaching" is a big part of the change or is it something else?
Whorfin: Absolutely, coaches and their strategies are key to the success of the team. The defense is a text book example: The squad really hasn't changed materially (sure, we got some guys back from injury, but others have moved on to other teams) from last year to this. The one change was the coaching staff. It's the only change that explains the night and day difference between performances last year to this.
MHR - Likewise, is "coaching" part of the issue on the offense - or is it player performance? Hybrid hell? Or perhaps, "Whorfin"?
Whorfin: Installing a new offensive scheme is always difficult in the NFL. We are fortunate in that John Elway has been building this roster with this new scheme in mind. That said, the change is not without its tribulations. I am reminded of 1979, when Bill Walsh was hired by the Forty-Niners. He installed a new offensive scheme we now know as the West Coast Offense. In the first year, the Forty-Niners were 2-14. The rest, as they say, is history. Now, we are in the midst of installing an updated version of the West Coast Offense, but we're 6-0. I think that's a testament to the players and the coaches. I see this as the beginning of a Denver Broncos dynasty.
MHR - Peyton said he had no plans of going to Vegas this week because he's not feeling lucky, but perhaps Brandon McManus is. What are your thoughts about our kicker so far this season?
Whorfin: McMoney missed a field goal last week which ultimately contributed to the game to going into overtime. We got to watch an extra half hour of Broncos football, and there ain't nothing better than watching the Broncos play football. So I say, "Thank you, Brandon, just don't do that too often. My heart can't take it."
MHR - If you were given a flame thrower and one member of the Broncos defense to fight your way through a zombie apocalypse, which player would be your No. 1 choice?
Whorfin: Sly. He's big and powerful, so pushing through a herd would be easy for him. If we're getting chased, I can run faster than him. His size would keep Zeke and Zelda occupied while I got away.
Broncos record during Weeks 8-12? Lemme see, uh, 12 minus eight add six, carry the one....wait. You promised. NO MATH. So, I'll just stay away from numbers and expect us to be undefeated.
MVPs in the next few games?
- GB: CJ out-gains Lacy, Hillman out-gains CJ. A little Mile High Magic has Aaron Rogers double-checking the scoreboard on his way out.
- @Indy: Expecting the Denver Texans, they don't know what hit them. Andrew Luck asks Elway for a job with a real team. Elway tells him to be patient.
- KC: A Brockfoot-sighting blow out. Bridges and tall buildings are closed by authorities, FEMA trucks thousands of grief counselors into Missouri.
- @Chicago: Talib and CHJ play catch with Cutler all afternoon. Cutler brags to the press about his TD passes. Reporters remind him they were all Denver TDs. Cutler doesn't care.
- P*tsies: A revenge mauling so bad, replays are shown with viewer warnings. ESPN talking heads refer to garbage-time euphemistically as "the second half." Giselle realizes that NFL quarterbacks can actually be taller than her and asks Brock Osweiler for a date.
Total number of sacks from this defense this season (26 so far in 6 games)? Even Carl Sagan would have trouble with a number that big.
Total number of pick-sixes by the end of the season (3 so far in 6 games)? I expect CHJ and Talib to come out of their shells and finally start performing the way they should, so 18 or so.
Manning's TDs versus INTs for the last 10 games? 10 more picks, thrice that TDs.
What will be McManus' longest field goal of the season? A 70-yard back-breaker in the Super Bowl. Clears the net.
Game the entire offense really starts to click? Super Bowl 50
Number of games before you will need to wash "The Shirt"? At least 13, probably more. It'll be pretty ripe, that's for sure.
- Favorite Broncos player from each decade - 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, 00s, 10s: They're all on the Ring of Fame. Except Champ Bailey; he needs to be inducted there, as well.
- Favorite thing about the Chiefs being 1-5? Crickets. Lots and lots of crickets. That, and they'll be 1-8 when we get to put them in the rear view mirror.
- Game most looking forward to this season? The answer is always, "The next one on the schedule."
- Game most worried about this season? Worry is imagination ill used. I will, however, be rather focused on New England.
- Favorite Broncos player on the current roster? He-man
- Favorite Broncos player of all time? This is a rhetorical question, right?