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FAUX BREAKING NEWS! Topher expected to holdout

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The ruggedly handsome and talented Topher Doll at work doing manly things, like making fire.
The ruggedly handsome and talented Topher Doll at work doing manly things, like making fire.

With the start of training camp almost here, star researcher for the Mile High Report team is planning on holding out according to Adam Schefter (no relation of the NFL reporter and is non-existent). The biggest issue seems to stem from a lack of common ground with teammates who feel that his love of stats is "stupid" and that he's a "dumb, dumb head." He seemingly took these words harshly and hasn't been to work since.

Team coach Kyle Montgomery has tried multiple times to get Topher back to work but to no avail, even reportedly threatening to revoke his mighty mod powers. While the team does seem split, there is little evidence of what will happen next. The team has hired famous go-between, and all around nice person, Laurie Lattimore-Volkman to work with the two sides to see if they can come to terms.

We only got a short statement from Topher's agent Scotty Payne:

We are glad to hear an independent party is getting involved, hopefully they can see that Topher is always right and that he just wishes everyone would agree with him. Even prior to joining this wonderful team, as a free agent known as maxwellsdemon, he just wanted people to recognize how awesome he is.

This isn't an easy problem and we anticipate it won't have an easy solution but we look forward to these initial discussions.

While no resolution is expected anytime soon we had a chance to ask a few of his teammates about the holdout news, for many this was the first time they'd heard about it. Team maverick Pete Baron had this to say:

He's doing what? Man I don't even know what's going on around me but I can feel him, I almost held out when I said Montee Ball was the next Terrell Davis and people kept telling me to shut up. But look at me, I'm still at work, still doing my job, where is he?

While many echoed Pete's feelings, others had some stronger words for Topher:

Topher? Psh that guy is a bolts baby who loves Philip Rivers and wants to be Andy Reid's best friend. He probably still wants Kyle Orton or Donovan McNabb to start.

Another unnamed teammate turned their guns on the other party involved, Kyle Montgomery:

This Montgomery guy comes in as the new guy, thinking he can win over us veterans with his better numbers, most access and greater success and think we'll just love him? No way, he has yet to give me a cookie so that guy sucks.

It's clear that tensions are heating up in the locker room. We'll monitor the situation as things progress.

Update:

We were finally able to reach MHR Tzar and overlord Bronco Mike. Needless to say Mike wasn't worried about a potential holdout:

I'm pretty sure if you can count to ten and divide you can do anything he can. Besides, everyone already knows it's my GIFS that carry this site--go pound sand Topher, you're not getting a new deal until I do!

That last bit might give MHR readers pause--Is Bronco Mike thinking about holding out too?

I'm sure someone with answers will provide them when they have time to pay their internet bill. Until then keep dreaming minions, keep dreaming!