We got our first glimpse of NFL action on Thursday with the Patriots cheating their way to a victory over the Steelers. Just as I predicted. Heck, I was only 3 points off the Pats score and 6 points off the Steelers score. Not too shabby for game 1 of the NFL season, where we have to suspend belief and honestly trick ourselves into believing that we know what will actually happen based off of a combination of last season, offseason moves, preseason vanilla garbage, and blind luck.
Onto the picks:
Last Week: 0-0
Ndamukong Suh, meet Kirk Cousins. The Redskins line isn't the best, and the Redskins seem to underwhelm every year. I'm not saying the Dolphins are some powerhouse of a team, because they aren't. But they have enough firepower to beat the dumpster fire that is known as the Redskins. I swear, if it weren't for a few other teams, I'd say these guys have a legitimate shot at the #1 overall pick.
Prediction: Miami 24, Washington 3
I'm telling you all, this game will be good. I love me some Rex Ryan and we all wish Andrew Luck would follow in Peyton Manning's footsteps and move to Denver. This is looking to be a good offense vs an elite defense. The Bills are loaded for bear and the team that I think will give the Patriots a run for their money for the AFC East. Do the Colts have what it takes to win a road opener in Buffalo? I mean, it's going to be easier in September than December, but I'm not sure offense beats defense. Especially week 1 when all the teams are still trying to get out of 2nd gear.
Prediction: Indianapolis 16, Buffalo 17
I don't care how much you polish this turd, it's still a turd. The Browns? The Jets? Against each other? This very well might set football back 40 years. I'd say something witty here, but honestly, I refuse to give the Brown's QB any airtime and, well, the Jets are so terrible that they can't even keep their horrible, yet franchise QB, from getting punched out.
Prediction: Cleveland 10, New York 3
The perpetual losers vs J.J. Watt. Gee, I wonder who will win?
Prediction: Kansas City 9, Houston 10
Remember what I said about Cleveland vs New York? Is it too lazy if I copy and paste what I wrote and put it in here? At least the Panthers have Cam Newton to excite the 573 people in attendance. Why the Jags don't sign Tim Tebow is beyond me. Their ownership group and front office are obviously not interested in winning, so surely they are simply in this for the money, right? Well, sell some jerseys and season tickets by signing a guy that is a local hero! You'll still accomplish your mission of not winning any game, but at least you'll make money!
Prediction: Carolina 10, Jaguars 6
Do you know why the Seahawks will struggle this entire season? No, it isn't the super bowl hangover. It's the fact that I drafted Russel "I'm God's gift to God" Wilson. I haven't seen such smugness since I looked in the mirror while getting dressed this morning! I can't wait for the "12th" man to go back in hibernation for another 30 years like their true bandwagon selves. Oh, and the Rams always play them tough in St. Louis. But will that be enough? Man I hope so, I even think so, but I'm not sure I can pick them.
Prediction: Seahawks 20, Rams 17
"Why get rid of Fox and his 119-89 winning record for Gary Kubiak and his 61-64 record?" Yeah, that's the narrative we've all heard. Yeah, how about the fact that John Fox is 73-71 WITHOUT Peyton Manning, huh? You don't look so smart now, do you main stream media knuckle heads, do you? Lets see how much of a "winner" John Fox is with Jay Cutler and the boys. Aaron Rodgers can keep his mind squarely on Olivia Munn and still win this game by 3 touchdowns. Jordy Nelson or not, this game isn't even close. The only real question is this: Who gets canned first? John Fox or Jay Cutler?
Prediction: Green Bay 38, Chicago 10
How big of a blow is the loss of Suh to the Lions? They still have Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson, but man, their defense took a hit. On the other side of the field will be the freshly paid QB waiting for his first game check so he can feed his 37 children. It's all good though. He isn't Travis Henry, he's had all of his children with the same woman, his wife. Can Detroit go to Southern California and pull off the upset? All I know is that Shakespeare would be proud of the main stream media and their predictions of the Chargers winning the AFC West. Why would he be proud? Because it gives him a reason to mention his play, "Much Ado About Nothing", which is fitting, seeing that's what I think about those predictions of San Diego beating the Broncos for the title.
Prediction: Detroit 20, San Diego 24
It's put up or shut up time in New Orleans. Drew Brees is entering a contract season. He needs to show the world that he's still one of the few elite quarterbacks, and that he has many years left to his career, ala Tom "I can cheat and cheat and cheat and never get in any actual trouble for it" Brady. But boy is that Cardinals defense tough. Or at least it was the last time they played in a game that mattered. Will the pressure get to Brees and the Saints? Or will they start the season off in dominating fashion and get the W in the desert? Neither team won't excite, yet the score will be decent.
Prediction: New Orleans 31, Arizona 24
Let the Mile High Beatdown begin! This will be a game of defense. In one corner you have the Denver Broncos and their ridiculously talented defense, that finally doesn't have a freaking Raider lover coaching it into oblivion. In the other corner, you have a Baltimore defense that will rely more on name recognition than anything. Oh, and did I mention that the Broncos have Peyton Manning, C.J. Anderson, Emmanuel Sanders, and Demaryius Thomas? I only mention this because the Ravens have..... who again? Even if both defenses played stellar, the Broncos win by default simply because they have players that people besides their mother know about. Oh, and we don't have Rahim Moore anymore. Suck it Baltimore!
Prediction: Baltimore 13, Denver 55
I mean, it's the Raiders. How seriously can we take them? Every time people say "it looks like they're really turning it around", let me remind them that they have Jack "I can't figure out to put the best slot corner in the game against a decent slot guy" Del Rio. How freaking good of a direction can they possibly be going in with that moron at the helm? He couldn't even figure out to not put Von Miller against Gronk one on one at the 1 yard line. I mean, seriously? I think most of our readers have forgotten more about defense than JDR has ever known.
Prediction: Cincinnati 31, Oakland 9
Prediction: Tennessee 16, Buccaneers 10
Oh, my blurb about the game? I almost forgot. I got bored and fell asleep after seeing who was playing. Umm, the Titans just signed my boy Steven Johnson to team up with former Denver Bronco Wesley Woodyard. They have more Broncos on their team than the Bucs. They win. Plain and simple.
Now we're getting somewhere. Dallas vs the G-Men. They always play tough. This one is usually a toss-up. But Dallas is at home and Eli still underwhelms me. Dez Bryant has an enormous chip on his shoulder, but at least he can finally feed his kids. I mean, $13 million is "ok", but he's got mouths to feed. Right Dez?
Prediction: New York 27, Dallas 31
Someone explain to me why the NFL picked these guys to be their first of two Monday Night Football games? Where's the star power? Where's the drama? Did ESPN assume Tim Tebow would make the team and start? That is the only possible reason for them being on MNF. Either that, or they would have been bounced by lacross on FOX if they played in an earlier game? The Eagles are in turmoil. Chip Kelly is the only coach more pompous than Rex Ryan, but with half the talent. Thankfully for the Falcons, this isn't a playoff game, so Matt Ryan should play decent. It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, but unfortunately for them, they'll be in Atlanta.
Prediction: Philadelphia 20, Atlanta 24
And part two of "what was ESPN thinking" has begun. So we go from a garbage game at 5:10 to an even worse game at 8:20? Way to go ESPN. If you hate Disney that much, just ask to buy out your ownership rights. Don't waste Mickey Mouses money like that. It's just mean. I'll have more viewership on a hot Friday night in the Baron household than this game will have.
Prediciton: who cares? Ok, seriously, Prediction: Minnesota 9, 49ers 6 in overtime
What are your predictions? Sound off in the comment section below.