Goodbye 2015, Hello 2016 where all of your offseason hopes and dreams have yet to be dashed! Unlike baseball, basketball, or hockey, the NFL has only 16 games to get things right. Starting 1-0 makes you feel all warm and cozy inside whereas starting 0-1 will make you panic and feel disgusting inside. Being Broncos fans, we aren’t use to feeling disgusting, so if you want to know how that feels, just ask your local Chief, Raider, or Chargers fan to describe life in general. You’ll quickly understand that that isn’t how you want to live life.
If you’re new to NFL Predictions, let me explain how it works: Each week I will pick the winners and losers in each matchup. I’m not using point spreads or betting lines. This is straight up predictions. Sometimes I’m right, sometimes I’m wrong, but I’m always entertaining.
Now onto Week 1 of predictions (i.e. let’s throw darts at the ceiling fan. If it hits me in the head, I’m picking the home team. If it narrowly misses my eyes, I’ll pick the away team simply because we know nothing about how any team will look come Week 1).
**All times Mountain Standard Time**
Carolina Panthers (0-0) at Denver Broncos (0-0) 6:30pm TNF
The problem with “Super Bowl Rematches” are that they are never actually super bowl rematches. These two teams are not the same. On one hand, you have the World Champs without a star QB. On the other, you have the first losers with only rookies for cornerbacks. Look, I don’t care how you slice it. I don’t care who the Broncos QB is, if you trot out a team with rookie cornerbacks against Demaryius Thomas, Emmanuel Sanders, and Virgil Green, you’re gonna lose. Sorry Siemian haters, but you’ll have to eat a bit of crow this week. Prediction: Broncos 27, Panthers 13
I’m not sure anyone outside of Georgia and Florida really care about this game, but hey, someone’s gotta play these stinkers. Can Atlanta put the train back on the tracks after last year’s embarrassment of a season? I have my doubts. What I do like is anybody against the Falcons though, and that means Doug Martin will feast in the run game and Jameis Winston will feast in the passing game. This will be the first home defeat of week 1. Prediction: Bucs 24, Falcons 17
I think this game will be a lot closer than people realize. Rex Ryan has great defenses and a young QB in Tyrod Taylor who can straight sling it. The unfortunate part about this is that he’s suppose to be slinging it against a Ravens team that is finally healthy. The only real question is this: Will the Ravens revert back to their contender status? Or will their defense take a step back? My guess is they’ll pick right back up where they left off a few years ago. Prediction: Bills 20, Ravens 27
Jay Cutler vs a hurt JJ Watt. John Fox vs his old pupil, Brock Osweiller. It’s time to see if Brock made the correct decision in leaving Denver. I have my severe doubts, but that won’t stop him from hanging a W against “take a knee Fox.” Prediction: Bears 20, Texans 31
“This ain’t your dad’s Jaguars” will be what we hear leading up to this game; Except that they still are your dad’s Jaguars. Like Cleveland, some teams are meant to be losers. Well, Jacksonville is just that team! I hope Malik Jackson earns every penny of that contract, cause he’s gonna need that money for therapy after he watches his former team not only improve on defense, but win another championship while he sweats his ass off in that Florida heat! Prediction: Packers 34, Jaguars 13
San Diego Chargers (0-0) at Kansas City Chiefs (0-0) 11am
And Broncos fans claim Captain Checkdown resides in Colorado these days. For shame! Alex Smith will always be the NFL equivalent of the small town jock who is really popular, but just can’t hack it in the real world. Thankfully they are against the Chargers to start the season. But wait, they aren’t lucky afterall. Their defense is missing Justin Houston and their offense is basically missing Jamaal Charles. Even so, is that enough for the Chargers to sneak into Arrowhead and steal a victory? Yes! Yes it is! Prediction: Chargers 27, Chiefs 20
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before, “The Raiders will win the division this year.” You’ve heard that before? Yeah, me too. I suppose if people say that tired old line year after year after year after decade, they’ll eventually be right. Too bad they won’t be right this year. Fresh off his contract “extension”, Drew Brees lights this team up and the Raiders slam the playoff talk shut, and it’s only week 1. Prediction: Raiders 16, Saints 27
This is gonna be a good game. And by good game, I mean boring as hell. I want to pick the Bengals because in all honesty, they should win pulling away, but I just can’t. Maybe it’s Brandon Marshall’s new fro I’m digging, but I like his look. Does this mean I’m picking the Jets? I want to say yes, but then I remember how much Ryan Fitzpatrick sucks and I just can’t. His hair and beard are as ugly and dopey as that lame duck “holdout” he was trying to pull. Sorry Fitzy, but you should have just retired when nobody wanted you. Now you’ll have to retire when nobody wants you AND you look stupid. Prediction: Bengals 37, Jets 10
Which dumpster is burning hotter? The Browns who last I checked, were still trying to fill a roster of 53 after their mass exodus of players, or the Eagles who have never seen an overpriced contract they didn’t love. I want to pick the Browns simply because if you Google “Philadelphia Eagles”, the top 3 players on that team include the long snapper, and if a long snapper is so high profile he’s listed #3, then you have no business winning anything. But alas, I can’t. If the Eagles lose this game, they might kill Carson Wentz in the parking lot with D batteries. For his safety, I sure hope they pull this game off. Prediction: Browns 9, Eagles 12
Marcus Mariota vs Teddy Bridgewater umm Sam Bradford? Somehow, I think Teddy is still more capable of winning a game this Sunday than Bradford. Seriously, has anyone in the history of humanity made more money while doing absolutely nothing than Sam freaking Bradford? How is this clown still in the NFL while Tebow is slinging baseballs? At least Tebow won a game. Bradford can’t even do that! Prediction: Vikings 16, Titans 22
Something tells me that the Seahawks aren’t afraid of the system they dismantled in the Super Bowl and regular season a few years back. Adam Gase brings his finesse offense into Seattle to be ground up by that buzzsaw defense yet again. The only thing more preposterous than believing in Ryan Tannehill is believing that there’s such a thing as “born a Seahawks fan.” Prediction: Dolphins 9, Seahawks 31
Eli vs Dak. Finally a 3 letter QB vs 3 letter QB. I never thought I’d be alive for this day. The Cowboys might have fallen bass akward into a division crown thanks to “fat” Tony Romo breaking another bone in his back and their rookie QB looking like the next Tom Brady and Cam Newton love child. Too bad Eli will feast on that defense. But will it be enough? Prediction: Giants 28, Cowboys 20
No Megatron, no problem. Wait, no, it is a problem. A huge problem. Who’s going to snatch TDs from the hands of INTs now, Golden Tate? Meanwhile, Andrew Luck will be looking to begin his “Comeback Player of the Year” campaign en route to about 133 touchdowns on the year. One for each million dollars of that contract he signed. Prediction: Lions 19, Colts 27
Hahahahaha. Wait a minute... hahahahaha Ok, ok, ok, let me compose myself. Nope, hahahahahahaha Suck it ass cleavage chinned Brady! That’s all I have to say about this game! Prediction: Patriots 3, Cardinals 43
Big Ben, Check. Antonio Brown, Check.
Martavis Bryant , Le’Veon Bell , Ladarius Green , Bud Dupree , nope, none of those guys are checks unless the question is “are you high or hurt?” Then and only then do they check the box next to their name. Thankfully, all they have to do is beat wonderboy Kirk Cousins. Over/Under more people on the Steelers are suspended for weed than they say “you like that” to Cousins after they dismatle them on Monday Night Football? Prediction: Steelers 31, Redskins 20
Hot Los Angeles smelly garbage vs hot San Francisco hippy garbage? Which do you have? Do you really think when the NFL made this schedule they thought that the game would be centered more around political topics than football? Talk about a PR nightmare for the NFL. The Rams can’t even bring out their #1 pick because he’s such a bust. Thankfully that defense is legit and the Niners are coached by a moron. Prediction: Rams 10, Kneeldowns 3