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Ultimate Fan Guide: Better-late-than-never Bye Week edition

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The ultimate Ultimate Fan - Whorfin - is here to keep Broncos fans focused on the ultimate goal (and if you’re not sure what that is, you really better start reading). And also entertained. Definitely entertained.

NFL: Denver Broncos at San Diego Chargers Orlando Ramirez-USA TODAY Sports

Welcome back to game week, Broncos fans!

Due to unforeseen circumstances (probably having to do with crazy goats or lost hummingbirds at the “Ranch”), our Bye Week UFG is a tad off schedule, but who is going to complain when the author is none other than Whorfin, our resident zombie-fighting, Hawaiian Broncos shirt-wearing, “16-0”-cheering fan!

No one. (well, it is MHR, so someone will complain - but fair warning that if that someone is you, you’ll just get Whorfin’s famous “cancel-hole” and a public berating by all his friends, both furry and human, ... so complain at your own risk).

On a side note, I had a chance to meet Whorfin and several of our regular MHR members (most of whom save their brilliance mainly for Calikula’s Weekly Imperial Thread these days) just before the Raiders game last weekend.

And I was not disappointed. Not that I thought I would be.

I’ll let you guess who is who, but included in the photo are docllv, Calikula, Horse Head Bookends, Whorfin, KRONK, Trogdoor and a stunning Mrs. HHB.

As I told that crew, my favorite thing about MHR when I first started writing here - and mostly still - is the interaction with the community on a post. It provides not only great learning opportunities but also fun banter and even friendships. Coming from the newspaper industry where the only feedback you often got on a story was a disgruntled reader needing to argue the Oxford comma, it has always been refreshing to “get to know” the readers and exchange ideas, have debates and especially laugh (at least, I do a lot of that!)

Thanks to all the regular MHR commenters and especially those I got to meet a week ago at the CIWT-3D...you all are a blast!

But now it’s time to get back to football, and the good news about our delayed Bye Week edition is that now we have TWO Ultimate Fan Guides this week (CryMeARivers, you’re on deck!!)

As always, Whorfin reminds us the Broncos ARE our favorite team and there is never a need to worry about them - because that’s just lack of imagination and memory of what Mile High Magic means.

Week 5: Bye Week

Whorfin: Well, the Bye Week is almost over. (Not quite yet, because the next game isn’t until Sunday night, soooo technically….) This week’s action in the AFC West saw the otherwise winless Dolts stumble on their way to the No. 1 pick, the faders felt the ongoing wrath of the Broncos defense and slither into third place, and the undeserving Griefs squeaked out a close win to callously deny the ‘72 Dolphins their champagn. (We can never rely on others to beat those we need to have beaten, that’s for sure. If you have kids, you know the feeling.)

MHR – The win over the Raiders last week means ‘The Shirt’ doesn’t get washed for at least another week. Were you ever in doubt it might have to go through a spin cycle two weeks in a row?
Whorfin: Never. A tad discomfited, perhaps, but never actually worried. As Daniel Boone is credited with saying, “I’ve never been lost, but there have been a few days when I was mighty bewildered.” Tales to the contrary are categorically denied (largely because any potential witnesses to the alleged event have been silenced).

MHR - What do you like best - and not-so-best (because we’re not pessimists here) - so far about the Broncos’ offense, defense, special teams?
Whorfin: I like that we’re pretty well-balanced. The defense beats bad guys like they’re rented mules and the offense seems well designed to suit the talent on the team. As for special teams, I was particularly glad to see McMoney get his one miss of the season out of the way with no lasting damage. As a whole, the squad is well-led, well-trained, and well on its way to another championship. Not that there won’t be hiccups along the way; we certainly wouldn’t want our Beloved Broncos being so clock-work that we all become massholes. That would be unbearable.

MHR - Broncos fans tend to be a little finicky...After one win, “we’re headed for the Super Bowl!” and after a loss, “this is the worst team ever!” Where do you think the team realistically sits compared to opponents and in its chances to go all the way?

Whorfin: 16-0, Baby!!

And that’s just not homerism, let’s look at the rest of the season, shall we?

The Giants: We show the league that the Giants still have the wrong Manning. They could have corrected that mistake five years ago and saved money on jerseys. Dopes.

The Chargers: The Broncos travel to L.A. (I just barfed a little in my mouth) to take on the Dolts in Mile High West. Home game #9. At a capacity of only 35,000, that “stadium” won’t have room for either Charger fan.

The Chiefs: Still on the road, and still savoring the demolition of the Dolts, the Broncos D has seen enough of the Reid’s trick run plays (all four of them) and gives the league a clinic on how to squash the Griefs once and for all. Golden Corrals across the Show Me State are shuttered in fear of rioting walruses.

The Eagles: The high-flying Beagles learn the lesson of Icarus and scamper out of town with their tails firmly between their legs. Too bad it’s a home game for them and they have to enter the Witness Protection Program.

The P*tri*ts: Poor, poor T*m Br*dy once again comes to Mile High for his semi-annual butt-whooping. 40 years old, and the guy still can’t seem to schedule his suspensions properly. Maybe Gazelle can get him some help with that.

The Bengals: Still searching for relevance outside the Ohio Valley since Kenny Anderson retired, the Bungles put up a stiff fight, only to lose in a heart-breaking manner. Neighboring Louisville sues in federal court to have Cincinnati relocated to Alabama.

The faders: No, I will not capitalize the name because only proper nouns are capitalized and there’s nothing proper about the faders. All we know about this game is that it is on the road. With Crypt Keeper II at the helm, there’s no telling where the game will actually be played. Where ever it takes place, the Broncos finish sending the faders into their tailspin to obscurity where they belong.

The Dolphins: The Broncos enjoy a few pina coladas on the beach interrupted by a mild annoyance Sunday afternoon. McCoy schools Gase on how to design a real offense that does not rely on PFM calling the plays. Oh, and Jay Cutler. Nuff said.

The Jets: bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. No, seriously. They’re still in the league? How does that happen? Can’t Goodell like hire Clemson or Michigan or somebody? UTEP, maybe?

The Colts: After Irsay blew the bank on Andrew Luckless, the Colts are but a shadow of their former imagined selves. Not susceptible to pre-game mind-f**ks, Trevor shows what a competent starter can do to a bargain basement secondary.

The Redskins: A last opportunity for the Broncos to sharpen their claws on an NFC opponent until February, the Redskins fall prey to an unstoppable defense. Trump, McConnell and Schumer join together in a call for a day of mourning in The Swamp. Only the Russians notice.

The Chiefs: A totally irrelevant game, the 7-8 Griefs come to Denver with faint hopes of avoiding a losing season since entering their tailspin in week 8. Completing yet another sweep of the division, the Broncos take a breather before hosting their next victim in the Divisional Round.

MHR – Any astute MHR reader knows how much you like a fullback in the game plan. Do you think Mike McCoy is using Andy Janovich enough in the scheme? How could he be used more effectively?
Whorfin: We haven’t seen a lot of the Janobeast so far. He’s been effective when on the field, although CJ does need to learn to trust him and follow him into the hole. Frankly, I think McCoy’s got a lot more up his sleeve than we’ve seen to date. Pity the opposing D-line when they get a snoot-full of the Janobeast. Unless it’s the faders. Anyone who knowingly signs on with that insane asylum deserves the humiliation.

MHR - The Broncos’ defense is bordering on iconic again while the offense shows flashes of big improvement but then is frustratingly stagnant. Thoughts on how these two units will finish the season?
Whorfin: Hoisting the Lombardi trophy. duh.

MHR - The run defense has been absolutely dominant, and the pass rush and secondary have been mostly on point. How do you feel about Joe Woods’ decision to play more zone than man to help the guys stay fresh?
Whorfin: Dance with who brung ya. If man coverage stymies an opponent, I see no reason to take the boot off his throat. On the other hand, if the bad guy QB is so incompetent that zone works, then, by all means, send an extra blitzer to pass on our warmest regards.

MHR - Which will come first - 15 holds against Von in one game OR 15 total sacks by Von? (OK, I know our deal is no math, but play along!)
Whorfin: Sacks. Calling holds on Tackles facing Von Miller is apparently in violation of League policy and punishable with stiff penalties. Calling two in the same game merits immediate dismissal of the offending referee. The punishment used to be “Lunch with Roger Goodell,” but that was determined to be in violation of the Geneva Convention.

MHR - When Shane Ray is healthy again, does he automatically take it back from Shaquil Barrett, or should he have to beat out Barrett for it?
Whorfin: Rotate ‘em. Put both on the field at the same time. Give Right Tackles reason to appear on Dr. Phil. “No matter how flat he is, there’s always two sides to an offensive lineman.”

MHR - How are you feeling about this Offensive Line as a whole? Would they be useful in defending against a zombie attack? What do you think of Garett Bolles?
Whorfin: Against the ZA? Well, let’s just say you had better sharpen your halberd, ‘cause you’re gonna need it. As for Bolles, when we first drafted him, there was a lot of chatter about “Hodor.” But, I think we’re seeing “Hodor” hold the door pretty well. He’s going to mature into a fine OT, and probably this year. Plus, he’s a tough hombre; playing with a bruised bone that would keep most of us in a wheelchair for weeks.

MHR - Last year you said the TEs were a “work in progress but needed to be less work and show more progress.” Do you think they have become a stronger group overall this season?
Whorfin: As he does for Janobeast, I think McCoy has a few more tricks up his sleeve for the TE contingent. So far, we’ve seen a lot more designed targeting of the TEs and I think that’s only going to increase, partly because the whole system is still being incrementally installed and partly because he’s waiting for an opponent particularly susceptible to TEs.

MHR - What do you think about the C.J. Anderson/Jamaal Charles tandem? Is this the run duo we’ve been looking for?
Whorfin: I’m impressed with Charles so far. He’s been used sparingly, which will benefit his longevity, but to great effect. CJ is close to peak form and is benefitting from the improvements to the O-Line.

MHR - Other sage advice from you last season was to take the long view on the quarterback situation. Still thinking Broncos have two great quarterbacks-in-training? Is Trevor a future franchise QB? Does it matter?
Whorfin: Not touching this one with a 10-foot pole. No sir-ree. Or a 12-foot Hungarian, for that matter. White smoke from the Vatican: Habemus Papum.

MHR - If you were an NFL player and you had a weekend off, how would you spend your time?
Whorfin: With a lot of booze and whores.

Just KIDDING!!!

I don’t drink.

MHR - Give me one thing about this team that deserves the cancel-hole.
Whorfin: Color Rush uniforms. Going on national TV dressed as a creamsicle has just got to be humiliating. I do like the Snortin’ Horse D logo, though. Wouldn’t mind seeing a permanent return.

MHR - Give me one thing about this team that deserves roses thrown to the stage. Whorfin: What doesn't? They’re our Beloved Broncos.

MHR - What is worse, gloating fans of the Chiefs, Raiders or Pats? (and you can’t say “Whorfin” on that one)
Whorfin: I fully expect all three groups to be protected under the Endangered Species Act after we get done with them.

Poll

So let me ask you, MHR - which gloating fan base is the worst?

This poll is closed

  • 21%
    Chiefs
    (82 votes)
  • 12%
    Raiders
    (49 votes)
  • 44%
    Patriots
    (169 votes)
  • 6%
    "Whorfin"
    (24 votes)
  • 14%
    Actually, Whorfin: "All three will be protected under the Endangered Species Act after we get done with them"
    (55 votes)
379 votes total Vote Now