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2017 NFL Picks: Week 6

Praise Jamaal Charles that the bye week is over! Let football officially resume.

NFL: Denver Broncos Ron Chenoy-USA TODAY Sports

Okay people, talk me off the ledge here. For a guy who does predictions for a living, well, metaphorically for a living, what in the wide world of hell is going on this NFL season?

The teams who are expected to win, and win easily, lose or struggle. The teams that are crap are winning (except for the Browns). I just don’t get this season, and its apparent in my going .500 last week.

At this point, I’m about to throw a bunch of chicken feed on the ground and just have a damn chicken pluck the ground to pick the games. It’s gotta do better than sound logic and reasoning, because this season has been anything but sound and logical.

Last Week: 7-7
Overall: 48-29

Philadelphia Eagles (4-1) at Carolina Panthers (4-1) 8:25pm CBS/NFLN TNF
Did anyone realize that in 2017 the AWAY team is 4-1 in Thursday Night games? I know, crazy isn’t it? But hell, this NFL season is crazy anyways, so right when you notice a trend to start applying logic and reason, BOOM, it won’t listen to logic and reason at all and completely mess up your day! PREDICTION: Eagles 27, Panthers 30

Chicago Bears (1-4) at Baltimore Ravens (3-2) 11:00am FOX
This should be a no-brainer... which means the Bears likely win. Again, logic and reason this week mean absolutely nothing. But even with that being true, I can’t fathom the Bears marching into Baltimore and winning. I just can’t. There’s now 1 game to study on Trubisky, and that might be enough against a rookie QB. PREDICTION: Bears 16, Ravens 19

Cleveland Browns (0-5) at Houston Texans (2-3) 11:00am CBS
Ok, so apparently I placed the “lose at all costs to secure the #1 overall pick” moniker on the wrong team. I thought it was the Jets, but Hoyer just never got that memo. So now it appears to squarely land on the Brown’s shoulders. Plus, you just can’t seem to keep Deshaun Watson down. Dude is a playmaker and looks to be the best QB taken since Aaron Rodgers (sorry Andrew Luck, but he might be passing you). PREDICTION: Browns 13, Texans 36

Green Bay Packers (4-1) at Minnesota Vikings (3-2) 1:00am FOX
The Vikings are barely getting it done, right when the Packers are starting to round into form. Aaron Rodgers is one of two MVP slam dunks, and he’s carrying that team on his back and willing them to win the way we haven’t seen since John Elway taking 3 Broncos teams to the Super Bowl when they had no business being there. PREDICTION: Packers 27, Vikings 17

Detroit Lions (3-2) at New Orleans Saints (2-2) 11:00am FOX
Detroit had a tough loss last week at home to the Panthers, and the Saints enjoyed an early season bye week. Its hard to say “enjoyed” because all teams want the bye week to come mid-season. Anyways, I’m getting side tracked. The Lions are better than their record I think, and the Saints are worse than their record. Even with some Magic Man voodoo, I don’t see the Saints stopping the Lions enough to out-score them. PREDICTION: Lions 33, Saints 31

Miami Dolphins (2-2) at Atlanta Falcons (3-1) 11:00am CBS
This game is a joke. Which makes me wonder why it wasn’t scheduled for Thursday? What was the NFL thinking? Didn’t they realize that the crappiest of the crap games go on Thursday, not Sunday? C’mon NFL, get your stuff together and put these stinkers on Thursday night so we can keep the running joke alive! PREDICTION: Cutler shows up drunk and Miami scores 10, Falcons 27

New England Patriots (3-2) at New York Jets (3-2) 11:00am CBS
If only I could have bet my salary that come week 6, the Pats and Jets would have the same record. I swear that had to be 10,000,000:1. I’d have like, $700 billion dollars right now! Damn! Here’s the thing though, the Pats are better on the road than at home. Crazy! PREDICTION: Patriots 32, Jets 17

San Francisco 49ers (0-5) at Washington Redskins (2-2) 11:00am FOX
Unlike the Brown, it seems like the 49ers are actually trying to win, so I gotta give them credit here. The Redskins are up and down, but even at their worst, they’re better than the 9ers at their best. But here’s the other thing: This season sucks and bad teams beat good teams for some stupid reason. Does that mean? Does it really mean the 9ers have a shot? No! Don’t be stupid. PREDICTION: 49ers 19, Redskins 24

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-2) at Arizona Cardinals (2-3) 2:05pm FOX
Buccaneers = Snake Bitten.
Cardinals = Suck
Prediction: Bucks 9, Cardinals 10

Los Angeles Rams (3-2) at Jacksonville Jaguars (3-2) 2:05pm FOX
I should have taken myself a bit more seriously last week when I acknowledged that the Jags are good every other week and suck every other week. I went against logic and reason and decided that the week they should be good wouldn’t pan out. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice... nope, not fooling me twice! This is suppose to be their down week. PREDICTION: Rams 31, Jags 17

Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2) at Kansas City Chiefs (5-0) 2:25pm CBS
Who is the other “NFL MVP” aside from Aaron Rodgers? I can’t believe I’m typing this, but it really is Alex Smith. It just took him a dozen years in the NFL to reach his potential. Better late than never I guess. But man, who is this guy at QB for the Chiefs? Meanwhile, Rothlisberger talked all offseason that maybe he should retire, and then last week he confirmed that maybe his best days are behind him. NFL MVP vs Dude who’s checked out. Easy, right? Especially in Arrowhead which I’m telling you is the best tailgating I’ve ever been to. PREDICTION: Steelers 17, Chiefs 34

Los Angeles Chargers (1-4) at Oakland Raiders (2-3) 2:25pm CBS
As predicted last week, the Chargers FINALLY got their first win of the season. And as predicted, the Raiders are sinking quickly. So quickly in fact that Riverboat Jack (Del Rio) is trying to push David Carr to come back and play months before he’s ready. Apparently Jack doesn’t give two craps about his QB’s future. And who are any of you to think you know what’s best for Carr’s future? Only Jack knows, cause nobody in the history of mankind has ever been in Jack’s position and wouldn’t understand! Except anyone with intelligence can see the trainwreck coming! Wait, I got sidetracked... PREDICTION: Chargers 27, Raiders 17

New York Giants (0-6) at Denver Broncos (4-1) 6:30pm NBC SNF
The recipient of handing the Chargers their first win comes to Denver. Down their best playmaker (Beckham) and now their cornerback (Rodgers-Cromartie), and with a coach who has no onions and lost the team, and with a QB that has the personality of a blade of grass come to town. Yes, that team is coming into Denver who just had a week of rest and is at home. We’re about to witness a real-life version of American Horror Story. PREDICTION: Giants 6, Broncos 37

Indianapolis Colts (2-3) at Tennessee Titans (2-3) 6:30pm ESPN MNF
Rewind a decade when Monday Night Football use to trot out horrible games for all of America to ignore, and here we are, with two teams that unfortunately will be without their marquee players. The Colts won’t have Andrew Luck, and the Titans won’t have Marcus Mariota. What looked to be a great matchup when the schedule was made now looks like we will all be watching the Big Bang Theory and Lucifer. PREDICTION: Colts 16, Titans 9