2017 NFL Picks: Week 13

After a two week personal hiatus, it’s good to be back. This is where I’d normally talk about how much the Broncos suck and how it correlates to my life and leave it to Tim to edit it out(Editor’s note: This never happens.) and call me to his office to explain that this is a family blog. But I digress. The Broncos are a dumpster fire. They really are.

As fans, we LOVE our team. We won’t want to ever see them lose to the likes of the damn Raiders. But inside, if you’re a fan of the team, you won’t hate the fact that our record is tanking.

Quick trivia question: Who’s the best player on the Denver Broncos? Its Von Miller. Guess what? We don’t get Von Miller going 8-8. We don’t get Von Miller going 9-7. As much as fans love watching this team win, honestly, if an actual playoff run isn’t a given, and competitive playoff football a certainty, a real and true “I love the Broncos and want what’s best for them” style of fan will #embracethetank because you don’t get the Hall of Fame players picking 20th. You don’t get your Franchise Quarterback picking 20th. You get your cornerstones when you’re a Top 5 picking team, and currently the Broncos stand in the 4th spot. The sky is the limit for our new megastar with a Top 4 pick, and especially with a Top 3 pick.

Remember the movie Old School? “Frank The Tank! Frank The Tank!” well, lets retool that saying to “Embrace The Tank! Embrace The Tank!” Hell, I might even go streaking through the quad and into the gymnasium if we get out of this season 3-13. You know what? I say we make that some sort of deal! Now to get someone to film it? I’ll even go ass first into an SUV like Will Ferrell. Lets get this done Broncos!

Last Week: 0-0
Overall: 93-56

Washington Redskins (5-6) at Dallas Cowboys (5-6) NBC/NFLN 6:25PM TNF
People around here want us to get Cousins. Well, I’m not buying. He won’t be worth the money. He’s an above average QB by the stats, but I just don’t see him being a true Franchise QB like the Broncos need. I just don’t. I don’t see Dak being any better either when it pertains to this game. But who cares about this game? Neither team is from Denver! PREDICTION: Redskins 19, Cowboys 24

Minnesota Vikings (9-2) at Atlanta Falcons (7-4) FOX 11:00AM
I wonder how long I can keep this Broncos theme for each pick alive? And speaking of QBs we could have, how about #TeamSloter baby!!! I hear he comes pretty cheap, kinda like Michael Crabtree’s moth.... oh yeah, family blog. This should be a good game actually, and somehow, the Vikings will likely squeak by with a W. PREDICTION: Vikings 24, Falcons 20

Houston Texans (4-7) at Tennessee Titans (7-4) CBS 11:00AM
Remember when Houston use to be Denver South? And how Peyton Manning who played for the Bronco is rumored to always be heading to Tennessee for ownership? Yeah, umm, those two storylines are about as interesting as this game gets. And its exhausted my ability to mention the Broncos for this game. PREDICTION: Texans 10, Titans 13

Kansas City Chiefs (6-5) at New York Jets (4-7) CBS 11:00AM
How awesome would it be to catch the Chiefs right now as a Broncos fan? Man, we might, MIGHT only lose by like, 9 points. Remember when the Jets were going to be an extra bye week? Yeah, look at their record. Now look at ours! Where is my crying emoji at when I need one? PREDICTION: Chiefs 27, Jets 17

Denver Broncos (3-8) at Miami Dolphins (4-7) FOX 11:00AM
Here’s my 3 keys to the game: Put a wig on Talib and stick him in someone else’s number to start. Put Elway in a #12 Jersey and say that Lynch was miraculously healed through the power of his healing tears. Start Deangelo Henderson for F’s sake. There you go. Do this, and the Broncos have a chance. Don’t do it, and their struggles in Miami continue. PREDICTION: Broncos 13, Dolphins 17

Indianapolis Colts (3-8) at Jacksonville Jaguars (7-4) CBS 11:00AM
Speaking of Elway, remember how the Colts traded him to the Broncos? Remember how the Broncos snagged Manning? Wouldn’t it be awesome to get Luck as well? The Colts have the same record as the Broncos, but they’re not losing in quite as embarrassing fashion. Plus, they know they have backup QBs starting, while apparently nobody in Denver realizes we are doing the same (pick any of the 3). PREDICTION: Colts 17, Jaguars 23

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-7) at Green Bay Packers (5-6) FOX 11:00AM
Is this the game where I can’t mention the Broncos? Nope! Because we got our first Super Bowl against the Packers! Boom! Suck on that! Oh, this game. Umm, pick another 11am game to watch. PREDICTION: Bucs 9, Packers 10

Detroit Lions (6-5) at Baltimore Ravens (6-5) FOX 11:00AM
Thank goodness the Broncos aren’t playing this game as we suck in Baltimore. So maybe the Lions will fare better. The Ravens aren’t all that good, but they still doubled our win record. The same can be said for the Lions. Right when I thought they were turning the corner, they remembered they’re from Detroit. PREDICTION: Lions 27, Ravens 24

New England Patriots (9-2) at Buffalo Bills (6-5) CBS 11:00AM
Both of these teams beat our asses into the ground, so I’m rooting for.. no no no, don’t call Homeland Security for threats up in here. How about each team just mauls the other so their QBs finish the season with their kneecaps on the back side of their legs! Oh, but not Tyrod (who I think is benched), we could maybe use him on the cheap next year (but I hope we don’t). PREDICTION: Patriots 24, Bills 16

San Francisco 49ers (1-10) at Chicago Bears (3-8) CBS 11:00AM
Maybe, just maybe the 9ers will win a few games down the stretch so we creep into that #3 or #2 draft position. It could happen, right? Especially when they get the treat of playing the Bears, who they can most certainly beat. PREDICTION: 49ers 16, Chicago 13

Cleveland Browns (0-11) at Los Angeles Chargers (5-6) CBS 2:05PM
Sadly, the Browns can’t win games, so they got that #1 draft pick all but locked up. It isn’t like the Broncos can un-win games. So make that 0-12 when they march into that empty stadium out west. Oh, and we all laugh at the Chargers, but they also shut us out. PREDICTION: Browns 6, Chargers 17

New York Giants (2-9) at Oakland Raiders (5-6) FOX 2:25PM
Can the Broncos maybe get the other Manning brother? I’m thinking that would be a mistake. Eli is no Peyton, but Eli can beat Brady in the playoffs. But honestly, I would rather have our backup quality starting QB in Siemian over Eli. Especially when you’re not even good enough to hold off Geno Smith. And I’d much rather have Chad Kelly over both of them. He’s a 1st round talent we stole from the draft. I do reserve the right to change my tune if we draft a QB with the #2 pick. PREDICTION: Giants 0, Raiders 9

Carolina Panthers (8-3) at New Orleans Saints (8-3) FOX 2:25PM
Speaking of another QB the Broncos could make a run at, how about Drew Brees? I’d LOVE to have him in our orange uniforms. But he’s already said he’s not leaving New Orleans. But if we say we’ll hire Sean Payton if he bolts, do you think that would be a sweet enough deal? Hmm.. intriguing. PREDICTION: Panthers 31, Saints 33

Los Angeles Rams (8-3) at Arizona Cardinals (5-6) FOX 2:25PM
Remember how horrible Goff looked last year as a rookie? Like, he was HORRIBLE. You know all the crappy football Paxton Lynch sprays on the field after a bad platter of Taco Bell food? Yeah, Goff looked even worse last year. But guess what? That team actually had direction and focus. That team wasn’t afraid of giving their first round QB AAAAALLLLLLL the training camp reps and starts. And now look at him. Go ahead, LOOK AT HIM!!!! He’s leading the highest scoring offense in the NFL. And he sucked worse than Lynch! So yeah, maybe it’s okay to say we robbed Lynch from his shot because of our staff’s ineptitude. PREDICTION: Rams 34, Cardinals 9

Philadelphia Eagles (10-1) at Seattle Seahawks (7-4) NBC 6:30 SNF
I think the Eagles could put up a 50 burger like they did against the Broncos way back when. Oh and what a glorious sight that will be as the SeaChickens lose another one! PREDICTION: Eagles 54, Seahawks 16

Pittsburgh Steelers (9-2) at Cincinnati Bengals (5-6) ESPN 6:30PM MNF
The Steelers are the second best team in the AFC and the Bengals can’t beat a team that isn’t named the Broncos. And, umm, the Steelers are named the Steelers. I suppose that’s all I gots to say about that. PREDICTION: Steelers 32, Bengals 16