clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

2017 NFL Picks: Week 14

#TeamTrevor and all his backers have finally, FINALLY done the seemingly impossible. They’ve made the Jets favorites in Denver this weekend.

NFL: Denver Broncos at Miami Dolphins
Can one of them PLEASE suit up for the Broncos? Please?
Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

Just like the future of Bitcoin, I exploded upwards in an amazing way! It might be at $13 thousand but I went 13-3. Both equally amazing, both equally impressive, both polar opposites of the Denver Broncos offense!

To put how anemic we are, the Jets are favorites on the road in Mile High Stadium. The Jets!!! Remember them? They were the “they’re tanking the season before it even starts” Jets! And do you know what? I agree with Vegas. They’re gonna win!

You know our coaching staff is the worst I’ve ever seen when I would gladly take McDaniels back just to get Vance Joseph out of here. I’ve never seen someone so in over their head since the days of me dating that Broncos Cheerleader. Ok ok ok, maybe that Nuggets Cheerleader. But I digress, Joseph needs to go. He is lost, confused, and inept.

But here’s the thing: Everyone calling for John Elway’s head is insane. John Elway is one of the Top 2 or 3 GM’s in the entire NFL. Yes, he picked a coach that is in over his head, but like all things in life, you simply don’t know if a person can do the job until they get the job. Joseph was a hot commodity, so it isn’t like Elway swung and missed on a no-name “pound the table for this guy” coach. If Elway was wrong, then almost all GM’s would have been wrong too.

Oh, you’ll talk about the Broncos sucking? Yeah, that isn’t on Elway either. How good do most teams do once their HoF QB retires unless another HoF QB is waiting in the wings? (Green Bay, San Francisco of the 90’s, you get my drift). Jerry Jones is BRILLIANT when Troy Aikman is the QB. Mike Shanahan is the MASTERMIND when Elway is the QB. Bill Belichick is the G.O.A.T. with Tom Brady at the helm. What was Belichick without Brady? Oh yeah, fired from the Browns. Do you see where I’m going? Do not blame Elway because we don’t have an all-time great at QB. Those guys don’t grow on trees. If they did, then all 32 teams would have them. As it stands now, only a handful of teams do, so you can’t exactly fault Elway for not having one when he tried.

So what are you doing now? Blaming Siemian on Elway? Nah, that’s weak sauce. I don’t want the GM meddling with the coaching staff’s decisions. That’s Jerry Jones and Dan Snyder territory. And look how good they are at it! Elway lets the coaches coach. Will he give pointers and advice? Absolutely, but he’s not gonna force anything on them because that’s a line that a GM simply can’t cross. You can’t hold back your coach, and that’s exactly what a GM who overrides the Head Coach does.

We’re on to 2018. Let’s draft the next HoF QB with the number two pick, unless that number two pick can be used to get a bona fide HoF QB who still has six or more years of HoF talent left in his body. Because as we see year after year, the NFL Draft is still a crap shoot. As Joe points out, if Elway had drafted the way “experts” said he should, the Broncos would be HORRIBLE, which you all tend to agree with. So forgive me if I ignore everyone and give a big ‘ol eye roll when anyone says Elway should go, because those people quite frankly don’t know what they’re talking about. As Walter Sobchak would say, “STFU Donnie, you’re out of your element!”

Last Week: 13-3
Overall: 106-59

New Orleans Saints (9-3) at Atlanta Falcons (7-5) NFLN 6:25pm TNF
This game is confusing to me. Why? Because it’s an actual game that people want to watch, and it’s on Thursday! The Falcons are “good,” but they aren’t great like they were last year. Minor Super Bowl hangover, but still hungover. Sure this game is in Atlanta, but something tells me the Falcons are about to be Slaughtered. Slaughtered with a capital S? Yep, the Saint’s are heavenly, so it’s time to Fly To The Angels. PREDICTION: Saints 33, Falcons 24

Indianapolis Colts (3-9) at Buffalo Bills (6-6) CBS 11:00am
Dome team meets cold weather stadium with the swirling winds, frozen turf, all of it. I think the Bills defense has enough to get them the victory, but we’ll need the Colts to win another game somewhere in the next four so the Broncos are guaranteed that sweet number two pick. (I’m shooting for the stars baby!) PREDICTION: Colts 16, Bills 17

Dallas Cowboys (6-6) at New York Giants (2-10) FOX 11:00am
Dammit, we need the Giants to win two games. Which means they have to play 0.500 ball down the stretch. Its looking bleak, real bleak, even at home. But this is a divisional game and Eli is starting again. Plus front office overhauls. Could that be just enough to spark them to win number three? I sure hope so! PREDICTION: Cowboys 23, Giants 24

Detroit Lions (6-6) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-8) FOX 11:00am
This one is easy. The Bucs really aren’t good even though they’ve won a few lately. And the Lions are a tough out. Even on the road, I see this as a pretty easy victory for Detroit. I do want someone to ask Matthew Stafford (highest paid player in the NFL) how it feels to make $13m less per year than Goodell though. PREDICTION: Lions 31, Bucs 17

Oakland Raiders (6-6) at Kansas City Chiefs (6-6) CBS 11:00am
Arrowhead stadium is always a tough out in December, but the Chiefs are doing their annual “slide into mediocrity.” It’s like their their fans have amnesia every year from September to October. It’s as clockwork as the tides! It isn’t like the Raiders are much better, but someone has to win this damn game. PREDICTION: Raiders 23, Chiefs 27

San Francisco 49ers (2-10) at Houston Texans (4-8) FOX 11:00am
I’m salivating at this game. The 49ers have a legit shot at being 3-10 at the end of it, which is important seeing as come 5:00pm the Broncos will have the same chance. I’m telling you, number two overall pick is falling softly into the Broncos hands. Almost like a snowflake. A delicate, delicate snowflake. Man, I need a testosterone shot talking like that. Someone get Mark Schlereth on the phone so he can tell me the clinic he uses! PREDICTION: 49ers 23, Texans 13

Green Bay Packers (6-6) at Cleveland Browns (0-12) FOX 11:00am
The Browns going 4-0 this final month isn’t gonna happen. So I’m not going to go out on the ledge and potentially pick them to win games that they likely won’t (like the Giants). The sad thing is that neutral field or not, I’m not sure whether or not the Broncos could beat the Browns. The 1980’s Broncos teams are shaking their heads in shame! PREDICTION: Packers 17, Browns 13

Chicago Bears (3-9) at Cincinnati Bengals (5-7) FOX 11:00am
The Bengals should win. They are a better team. But last week’s matchup with the Steelers took too much out of them. They’re hurting, mentally exhausted, and feeling the heat... Plus the Bears need another win. This is the week! PREDICTION: Bears 17, Bengals 12

Minnesota Vikings (10-2) at Carolina Panthers (8-4) CBS 11:00am
How many weeks in a row can I say “I don’t know how the Vikings keep doing it, but they keep doing it!” and then I pick them and look like a genius. I’ve said it all season and I’m gonna say it again, the Vikings aren’t the best, but they don’t make the critical and stupid mistakes that get them beat, and that is usually all it really takes to secure a win. It’s what the Patriots have built a dynasty on. PREDICTION: Vikings 23, Panthers 19

Washington Redskins (5-7) at Los Angeles Chargers (6-6) CBS 2:05pm
Yeah yeah yeah, there’s a game to play here. The Chargers, Chiefs, and Raiders are all 6-6 and the Chargers might actually be the best of the three, but the real story is how Cousins is gonna be the highest paid player next year even though he’s a less crappy version of Trevor Siemian. That does NOT equate to being the highest paid player. He’s a $15 million starter who can sometimes get it done, but in a QB starving league? That level of talent gets you PAID. PREDICTION: Redskins 20, Chargers 24

New York Jets (5-7) at Denver Broncos (3-9) CBS 2:05pm
As I mentioned in the headlines, this Broncos team is so bad that the Jets are favorites. The worst part about all of that? It’s that there’s nothing the Broncos can do about it. Not in the “you can’t change Vegas’ mind” way, but in the “no matter how pissed they get, their offense will score 3-10 points and that simply won’t do!” way. So, umm, yeah, as Forrest Gump says, “that’s all I got to say about that.” PREDICTION: Jets 23, Broncos 13 (because of a Talib welcome back pick six).

Tennessee Titans (8-4) at Arizona Cardinals (5-7) CBS 2:05pm
Yuck. Titans got this. Why even bother watching? PREDICTION: Titans 16, Cardinals 9

Philadelphia Eagles (10-2) at Los Angeles Rams (9-3) FOX 2:25pm
Oh man, this game should be good. The Eagles lost last week so they will be PISSED when they get on that field. The Rams are the highest scoring team in the NFL. How do you pick between the two? Easy, Wade Phillips has a tendency to beat the juggernaut teams in the NFL and only one of these teams have the Son of Bum. PREDICTION: Eagles 17, Rams 27

Seattle Seahawks (8-4) at Jacksonville Jaguars (8-4) FOX 2:25pm
Here we go again, the Seahawks catching fire at the end of the year to somehow miraculously wind up back in the playoffs. The Jags need this game to keep pace in their division, but again, the Seahawks can’t get back into the playoffs if they lose. PREDICTION: Seahawks 24, Jags 20

Baltimore Ravens (7-5) at Pittsburgh Steelers (10-2) NBC 6:30pm SNF
Back to back divisional games for the Steelers. And this one is against possibly their biggest rival. These two love beating the crap out of each other, and the Steelers are down Shazier. This could get ugly, but I think the home team will squeak by. PREDICTION: Ravens 20, Steelers 23

New England Patriots (10-2) at Miami Dolphins (5-7) ESPN 6:30pm MNF
The Dolphins snapped their five-game losing streak. Too bad they still sport the worst defense in the NFL. Although, don’t forget that their defense shut down Team Trevor to the tune of three whole points. Can they do the same to Tom Brady? Well, if you take a poll of the Trevor fans hanging around here they can, because “Trevor is the next Brady!” hahahaha—wait, I gotta catch my breath...—hahahahahahaha Nope! PREDICTION: Patriots infinity, Dolphins 9