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2017 NFL Picks: Week 3

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Not a bad start picking straight-up ... almost as dominant as the Denver Broncos through two weeks.

Two weeks up, and two weeks down. The rollercoaster we call the NFL is finally beginning to pick up steam. Fun fact: Only 10% of teams that started 0-2 have made the playoffs.... Another fun fact, I really want to pick a TON of away teams, but do you realize how hard it is to pick a crappy away team who is maybe 1% less dog $h!t than the home team? I mean, does home field advantage make a horrible team 2% better to win? Or are they so damn bad that they couldn’t possibly take advantage?

Thankfully for us fans, the NFL has done it again: They’ve given us a spectacular Thursday Night Game that not even the fans of the home and away teams will watch. I mean, do they have actual real people deciding this schedule? Are they F’ing with us as a really messed up social experiment to see if they can fart in a bag and have us sniff it and try convincing us that it smells good? Well, that might work for the uppity hipsters in San Francisco... they’ll believe anything people try selling them that makes them feel different and better than the rest.

Now, we all know I’m about the most humble person alive, and the last thing I’d ever do is brag, right? Ok, fine, I love bragging... Anyways, here’s how I did last week and overall. #HireMeESPN

Last week: 12-4
Overall: 22-9

Los Angeles Rams (1-1) at San Francisco 49ers (0-2) 6:25pm NFLN
So we have a team who’s fans sniff farts (right South Park?) against a team who’s state doesn’t give a crap about them. This game will have a fan attendance to points scored ratio of.... 100:1. To put that silly ratio into perspective, that would mean that the Broncos would score 770 points case we sell out Mile High Stadium... So what will the final score be in this battle of the has-nots? PREDICTION: Rams 12 (oh there’s a safety in that score), 49ers 3

Baltimore Ravens (2-0) at Jacksonville Jaguars (1-1) 7:30am YAHOO (LONDON)
You’ll have to wake up extra early to watch this game, it’s 7:30am on Sunday because in it’s infinite wisdom, (see above Thursday Night social experiment), the NFL is trying to shove their brand down the throats of people who don’t like things shoved down their throats. Hey Goodell, you’d suspend yourself for such actions if you were a player! This game in reality really isn’t too hard to predict. Bortles is aweful, and even though statistically speaking they are decently close, I just don’t see the Jags beating the Ravens. I just don’t. PREDICTION: Ravens 20, Jags 13

Cleveland Browns (0-2) at Indianapolis Colts (0-2) 11am CBS
This is the type of game that sucks to predict. Is it ok for me to just say “NA” in my prediction and not have it count on my W/L record? Kinda like how Brock started against the Chargers, but Manning came in at halftime and won the game, yet Manning doesn’t get the W/L on his record because he wasn’t the starter? Can I do that with this game? Hot garbage vs Dumpster fire doesn’t exactly bring me confidence in my picks here... Kizer had a decently good showing last week, and Brissett simply sucks. So Cleveland should win, right? But it’s in Indy, so we give them 3 points for home field, right? But are they capable of grabbing those 3 points? Are they? No wonder Irsay is a pill popping drunk. Not even he can stand the stench of his team! PREDICTION: Browns 13, Colts 10

New York Giants (0-2) at Philadelphia Eagles (1-1) 11am FOX
On paper, the Eagles are so far ahead of the Giants that this won’t even be a contest. On the field however... the Eagles are so far ahead of the Giants that this won’t even be a contest. I’m not sure what else I can say. PREDICTION: Giants 20, Eagles 27

Miami Dolphins (1-0) at New York Jets (0-2) 11am CBS
I totally underrated Jay Cutler last week. He actually looked pretty good and like he genuinely enjoyed being out there. Which is a completely different person than what we are use to. I’m not sure anyone saw that coming. And although they needed the Chargers to lose yet another game in spectacular fashion; As they do basically every time for the last few years, the Dolphins played respectable for their first game of the season. And on the other side, the Jets are proudly marching towards that #1 overall pick. Stay focused New York, you have competition in the 49ers for that pick. Don’t let them stand in your way! PREDICTION: Dolphins 23, Jets 9

Denver Broncos (2-0) at Buffalo Bills (1-1) 11am CBS
Who’s the best team in the NFL? Who is the hottest team in the NFL? Who has that Eye of the Tiger look to them? Our Denver Broncos! While I want to write more, I believe when asked “Is there any way the Bills can win”, that this little clip sums it up quite nicely!

PREDICTION: Broncos 30, Bills 9

New Orleans Saints (0-2) at Carolina Panthers (2-0) 11am FOX
“Who they say gonna beat them Saints?!?!” Umm... Carolina, Carolina... Cam Newton still isn’t right after offseason shoulder surgery, but they are still winning. The Saints just look “off” for some reason. Sure, their defense has always pretty much sucked, but their offense just isn’t clicking anymore. Maybe they got too cocky by letting Cooks go? PREDICTION: Saints 23, Panthers 24

Pittsburgh Steelers (2-0) at Chicago Bears (0-2) 11am CBS
The Bears are 0-2 as I figured they would be, but at least they’re losing with dignity. The Steelers are starting to click, but they just aren’t quite there yet. Le’Veon Bell still needs to be more effective before they start rolling, and this is as good a week as any to start that. PREDICTION: Steelers 23, Bears 17

Atlanta Falcons (2-0) at Detroit Lions (2-0) 11am FOX
My goodness this is a hard game to predict. It’s the polar opposite of the Browns at Colts game. These are both quality teams. They can put a whooping on their opponent and both are offensively heavy, so it isn’t an “Offense vs Defense” type of game. Man, I’m flipping a coin here... Heads Falcons, Tails Lions.... and the winner is (yes, actually flipped a coin): PREDICTION: Atlanta 24, Lions 23 (it was heads)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-0) at Minnesota Vikings (1-1) 11am FOX
These are two good teams. Not great teams, but good teams. I’m not sure if we’ll have #SloterTime or if Bradford will play or what is going on in Minnesota. That’s my only hesitation to picking them outright. I think their defense is better, and their offense is better. But that all depends on their ability to have a healthy and effective QB. Eh, screw it, caution to the wind time. Prediction: Bucs 13, Vikings 20

Houston Texans (1-1) at New England Patriots (1-1) 11am CBS
Ya know, the Texans really should have knocked the Pats out of the playoffs last year, thus ruining their ability to win the Super Bowl. Their defense usually plays the Patriots tough, but they are a bit softer this year. Add to that the “Brady is aging” narrative, and his ability to make fools of people who say such things (which is why I didn’t last week). Ok, this game will be a blowout. Yep, blowout. Prediction: Texans 12, Patriots 33

Seattle Seahawks (1-1) at Tennessee Titans (1-1) 2:05pm FOX
This isn’t your 2013 Seahawks anymore. They are a broken team. Sure, they can scratch and claw their way to respectability, but they’ve lost their edge. Their offensive line is garbage, their QB is playing scared (as he should be), and although their defense is still good, they aren’t amazing anymore. The Titans are up and coming. They have a young QB in Mariota, they can run the ball, and their defense is getting there. Plus it’s at home. PREDICTION: Seahawks 13, Titans 17

Cincinnati Bengals (0-2) at Green Bay Packers (1-1) 2:25pm CBS
Is this the week that the Bengals finally score a touchdown? The magic 8 ball says “reply hazy, try again”... man, that sucks. The Packers look off on offense, just like the Steelers look off. I’m not sure which week they click, but this is as good a week as any, especially at home. Jordy Nelson was a full go in practice, so that helps. PREDICTION: Bengals 12, Packers 25

Kansas City Chiefs (2-0) at Los Angeles Chargers (0-2) 2:25pm CBS
The real question isn’t who will win (it’s the Chiefs), the real question is “how exactly will the Chargers find a way to lose in the waning seconds of this game?” Missed FG by them? Clutch FG by the Chiefs? How about a pick six? Ooooo how about a safety? Or a blocked punt run back for a TD to have the Chiefs win by 1? The possibilities are virtually endless! PREDICTION: Chiefs 23, Chargers 20

Oakland Raiders (2-0) at Washington Redskins (1-1) 6:30pm NBC
This is another game where the better team is the away team. I would LOVE to see the Raiders lose, but the Redskins just aren’t a very good team right now. The only way they beat the Raiders is if Derek Carr’s mascara runs into his eyes and he can’t see. PREDICTION: Raiders 31, Redskins 16

Dallas Cowboys (1-1) at Arizona Cardinals (1-1) 6:30pm ESPN

And I believe that’s all I have to say about that! Oh, and the Cardinals suck!
PREDICTION: Cowboys 24, Cardinals 9