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Week 5 NFL Power Rankings

Well, the NFL is getting it’s wish: Offenses are out of control and the defense is neutered.

NFL: Kansas City Chiefs at Denver Broncos Ron Chenoy-USA TODAY Sports

After a soul-crushing defeat, I get this eerie feeling that this just might spark a longer-than-needs-be losing streak. A losing streak similar to last year, but maybe not lasting a full eight games. This was a “playoff” game to the team. Their coaches said it, the players said it, and the fans felt it.

The Broncos stepped up to the challenge, but fell flat in the waning minutes of the game. Now, the defense is telling the media that we need to score more points. This sounds familiar.

I think this loss falls squarely on the coaching staff. I can’t count how many times I said “RUN THE BALL” because we were averaging 8 yards per carry. When you average 8 yards per carry, you march down the field quite easily and score touchdowns. And guess what? Whenever we ran the ball, we did just that. But hey, why keep doing something that is working when you can pass pass pass? And now? Now at 2-2, I feel as if this season is already slipping away. 25% of the games have been played, and our trajectory isn’t going in the right direction. Don’t look now, but we are already on a two game losing streak with a trip to the East Coast coming up and then a home stand against the NFL’s best team.

So what should we do now? I mean, I’m gonna pull a Babe Ruth and call this shot: The Broncos are already sporting a 2-4 record with four straight losses by the time we finish the Rams game. So what can we do?

I don’t want to say put in Chad Kelly, but... just put in Chad Kelly. If Keenum is what $18 million buys us, I think we should demand a refund. I have absolutely no problems proclaiming “I bet if Vance Joseph had Patrick Mahomes on the roster, he wouldn’t be playing him in favor of Keenum, the vet!” and THAT RIGHT THERE is why we should just pull the damn plug on Keenum and start Kelly.

I felt it last night, you felt it last night, everyone felt it last night. How many times, aside from RUNNING THE DAMN BALL, did you think “ugh, I don’t want Keenum passing here” or did you say “Damn, I wish we had Mahomes!” ? Honestly, how many times? How many times did you allow the doubt of our QB sneak into your head? How many times did you think “I wonder what Kelly would look like and do? I bet he can hit DT who’s streaking wide open down the field like he did LaCosse in the preseason!”

Again, I bet if the Broncos had Mahomes on their roster, he’d be on the bench because Vance is too chicken to start him. And do you know what? Out of all the rookie QBs in this year’s draft (who are all starting by the way), only Baker Mayfield has looked any better than Kelly. So in the same vein as me screaming “RUN THE BALL” last night, I’m screaming “PUT IN CHAD KELLY!!!” today! Stop inflicting pain on this team! Stop inflicting pain on your fans! Hey, guess what? The FANS PAY YOUR PAYCHECK guys! So maybe, just maybe you should appease the people writing your damn check and put in the young signal caller and see what you have!

Now onto the rankings. Remember, I’m ranking teams as they stand TODAY. Not a culmination of last year or the last decade. If they look like they are world beaters today, they’ll be ranked high regardless of what their record is. After-all, if we went by record alone, then Power Rankings wouldn’t exist!

1. Los Angeles Rams:
These guys are the complete package. Even when their defense has an off night, their offense steps up. It’s what complete teams do. They lift the other side up when they’re struggling, and they dominate when they are both playing good.

2. Kansas City Chiefs:
Not so tough outside of September, are you? But in all honesty, divisional games on the road are coin flips. They still escaped with a W, but it was a hell of a lot tougher than anyone thought it would be.

3. Jacksonville Jaguars:
Welcome back to the Top 3 Jacksonville.

4. Baltimore Ravens:
Maybe the Broncos weren’t as bad as they looked. Holy smokes, these guys play like they did when they won their Super Bowl in 2012 when they want to.

5. New England Patriots:
Are these the real Patriots? This is the 2nd year in a row they started 2-2, and last year they made it to the Super Bowl.

6. Green Bay Packers:
What does a shutout get you these days? A lot more if it isn’t the Bills you’re shutting out. So up to #6 you go.

7. Minnesota Vikings:
It pains me to admit that Cousins looked good. I’ll take Chad Kelly over him though, so I’m just waiting my time until he gets his shot.

8. New Orleans Saints:
201 yards away from the all time yardage record. Brees plays at home next week. Something tells me he’s gonna get it by halftime.

9. Philadelphia Eagles:
Yes, I know they just lost, but I think this team is still finding their groove, and they’re 2-2 while finding it. Not too shabby.

10. Chicago Bears:
So is Trubiski the new Mahomes? C’mon 4 letter networks, get with the program!

11. Carolina Panthers:
Honestly, I almost forgot to rank these guys. That’s how forgettable they have been this year. However, forgettable while you’re winning is better than being remembered for losing.

12. Cincinnati Bengals:
The Bengals are a lot like the old Chiefs: They can win all they want early on, but we all know they’ll fade away when it matters the most. Enjoy this loft spot paper tigers!

13. Tennessee Titans:
I know, I KNOW, they just beat the Eagles who are 4 spots ahead of them. What can I say other than I think it’s an aberration and they played 99 more times, I think Philly beats them 97 of them.

14. Cleveland Browns:
I really thought the Browns were gonna win. Baker Mayfield is for real, but the Browns defense had an uncharacteristically horrendous day. Scoring 42 should always be enough! Always!

15. Atlanta Falcons:
I feel like a broken record by saying this, but they’re always the bridesmaids, never the bride. They are so painfully close to being undefeated. Are they the football equivalent of a slump buster?

16. Denver Broncos:
**DISCLAIMER: The Broncos are down here because I’m assuming we don't start Chad Kelly **How good is this team? I really don’t know. They’re up and down like a freaking yo-yo. And their standings in the Power Ranking reflect that. I’ll be the first to admit that this game was a hell of a lot closer than I imagined, which if they play like this, even in a loss, they’ll be a force to be reckoned with.

17. Washington Redskins:
The Redskins aren’t particularly good in any one area, but they aren’t bad in any either. They’re the football equivalent of a rice cake.

18. Los Angeles Chargers:
I mean, do I really have them this high for beating the Niners? What has this world come to. Are the teams below them really this bad? (looks down) Yeah, I guess 18 is just about right.

19. Dallas Cowboys:
I have a weekly standing bet with the worst of the worst, okay, the top 5 worst of the worst... Cowboy fans. So it pains me to award the Cowboys for a victory. Thankfully it was against Detroit, so it doesn’t really mean much.

20. Indianapolis Colts:
I swear, as soon as these guys put a full 60 minutes together, they’ll regain their playoff form. But will it happen while they still have enough games to make a division out of this? I’m not too sure.

21. Tampa Bay Buccaneers:
And the clock struck midnight on Fitzmagic. Welcome to Loserville, Population: 12

22. Seattle Seahawks:
hahahahahahah You BOTH got exactly what you deserved! BOTH SIDES! Hahahahahaha

23. Miami Dolphins:
I know, you’re part of Loserville (i.e. bottom 12) yet you have a winning record. Well, you suck, you’ve always sucked, and you’re the reason one of the best QBs of all time doesn’t have a ring.

24. Oakland Raiders:
Well, a win is a win is a win. So, I guess “good for you guys”, enjoy this taste, cause you’ll soon forget what it tastes like.

25. Pittsburgh Steelers:
And the free-fall spiral continues. Word on the street is Bell will report... in week 7. Way to go. I bet your teammates really appreciate that!

26. Detroit Lions:
You can beat the Patriots, but can’t beat the Cowboys. You are validating what I claimed: Matt Patricia knew the offense of the Pats and that’s the only reason they won.

27. Houston Texans:
That’s the Deshaun Watson I know and love! Keep it up and this division is yours!

28. New York Giants:
I can’t fault them for losing to the Saints at home. That isn’t why they’re this low. They’re this low because they’ve sucked for a little over 3 years now, and they just don’t appear to be getting any better.

29. New York Jets:
Sam Darnold started his career off red hot, and then hasn’t looked good or been effective since. Growing pains, or just pain? Too early to tell. Probably Growing Pain though. Probably.

30. San Francisco 49ers:
Hey, hang your head up high. I figured I’d have you dead last this week. But you almost won, and almost counts in horseshoes, hand grenades, and trying to not be dead last in the NFL. So there you go. Nicely done Niners. My Uncle Joe would be so proud of you.

31. Buffalo Bills:
What’s the best way to follow up a miracle victory over Minny? Laying a turn in Green Bay of course. Thank You John Elway for not drafting Josh Allen.

32. Arizona Cardinals:
These guys are the last team standing. Or is it laying down? Cause they’re all that’s left of the “defeated” teams. Way to go Arizona. You’re like the Rams, just completely opposite.