NFL Picks: Week 5

25% of the NFL season has come and gone, yet games still have too many tossups for my liking. I’m conflicted on a few of them, and go against better judgments on a few.
At least last week I got twice as many right as wrong. Back to my winning ways!

Last Week: 10-5
Overall: 32-29-2

Indianapolis Colts (1-3) at New England Patriots (2-2) 6:20pm Fox/NFLN/Amazon TNF
I told all of you to not write off the Patriots, but do you listen to me? Noooooo. Anyways, Andrew Luck and the Colts are the AFC version of the Falcons. Snake-bitten. And the Patriots are starting to get their groove back. Hey, Rich Gannon, tell me again how many days Josh Gordon has been on the Pats? I think I missed it the first 700 times you mentioned it! Prediction: Colts 23, Patriots 37

Denver Broncos (2-2) at New York Jets (1-3) 11:00am CBS
Remember my keys to the Broncos vs. Ravens? Well, 100% of them apply for this game except that the Jets suck. This game is a hard one to predict. One one hand you have the Broncos playing an early game on the east coast on the road. On the other hand, Sam Darnold kinda sucks. Then again, we only scored 23 on a piss poor Chiefs defense AT HOME mind you, and the Jets are at least “middle of the road” on defense (exactly middle as they rank 16th). So, how can I predict we score even the 23 we did against the Chiefs? Plus the finger pointing has begun with the “offense needs to score more points” talk. Ugh. What to do, what to do? Prediction: Broncos 23, Jets 6

New York Giants (1-3) at Carolina Panthers (2-1) 11:00am Fox
Fresh off their bye week, the Panthers are at home and the cupcakes known as the Giants are coming to town. This is an easy victory. I wish I could add some flair to this game, but nope, it’s an easy victory. Prediction: Giants 13, Panthers 33

Miami Dolphins (3-1) at Cincinnati Bengals (3-1) 11:00am CBS
The Dolphins validated my reasons for keeping them so low in the Power Rankings even when they were undefeated. How embarrassing. I’m telling you, this team just isn’t very good. And now they have the regular season Bengals to deal with, in Cincy. Their two game slide will officially be on at roughly 11:15am. Prediction: Dolphins 9, Bengals 23

Baltimore Ravens (3-1) at Cleveland Browns (1-2-1) 11:00am CBS
Oh man, I really want to pick the Browns, but I’m not sure I can. If the Ravens play like they have the last few weeks, they’re a Top 5 team, and the Browns seem to keep being the Browns, or is it that the Browns keep being the Vance Josephs? You know, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. I’m sorry you got drafted by these guys Baker. I wanted you on the Broncos. Prediction: Ravens 27, Browns 23

Green Bay Packers (2-1-1) at Detroit Lions (1-3) 11:00am Fox
I dunno, Rodgers seems to be playing fine to me. I’m not sure the status of his knee, and we’ve heard that it’s gonna make him play worse and worse, but I’m not seeing it. He was running around like he was 100% last Sunday. Now, division games are a different beast as we see week after week, year after year. But do the Lions honestly have a shot? Even in Detroit? Really? Really?!? Prediction: Packers, 30, Lions 23

Jacksonville Jaguars (3-1) at Kansas City Chiefs (4-0) 11:00am CBS
I wish this game wasn’t on at the same time as the Broncos, because I want to see if the Jags can take this team down. Its in Arrowhead, so that plays in the Chiefs’ favor, but man, that Jags defense is really good, and it ain’t like Bortles is all that amazing to take advantage of the Chiefs’ defense. This is a game between the 2nd and 3rd place teams in my power rankings. Time to put up or shut up. Prediction: Jaguars 23, Chiefs 27

Tennessee Titans (3-1) at Buffalo Bills (1-3) 11:00am CBS
The Bills are pathetic. Straight pathetic, and the Titans aren’t. Give this one to the road team. Prediction: Titans 27, Bills 10

Atlanta Falcons (1-3) at Pittsburgh Steelers (1-2-1) 11:00am Fox
I keep picking the Steelers to lose, and they keep losing. I keep picking the Falcons to win, and the keep losing. Crap. What in the hell am I suppose to do here? Prediction: Falcons 31, Steelers 32

Oakland Raiders (1-3) at Los Angeles Chargers (2-2) 2:05pm CBS
Fresh off their first victory, the Raiders travel down the coast to Sunny Los Angeles, where the Chargers’ fans still don’t give a crap. If Ice Cube is in attendance, the Raiders win. Prediction: Raiders 27, Chargers 28 Guess he’s busy today.

Minnesota Vikings (1-2-1) at Philadelphia Eagles (2-2) 2:25pm Fox
I keep hearing nonsense about “That’s why we signed Cousins” from Viking fans. To them, I keep saying “See that losing record? You signed a loser to keep losing. Congrats!” Yes, my grudge holds no bounds. Prediction: Vikings 23, Eagles 31

Arizona Cardinals (0-4) at San Francisco 49ers (1-3) 2:25pm Fox
Pathetic meets Pathetic. Is this the 0-0 tie we’ve all been waiting for? Prediction: Cardinals 3, 49ers 13

Los Angeles Rams (4-0) at Seattle Seahawks (2-2) 2:25pm Fox
Best team in the NFL meets middle of the road team. Now with 100% more smug Pete Carroll. I love watching him lose. Almost as much as I love watching Tom Brady lose. Prediction: Rams 31, Seahawks 13

Dallas Cowboys (2-2) at Houston Texans (1-3) 6:20pm NBC SNF
Civil War in Texas. Dallas vs Houston. Who wins? I’ve studied “Civil War” by Guns N Roses very closely, and they seem to be talking about those self entitled a-holes in Dallas... So I’m giving this one to Houston. Prediction: Cowboys 20, Texans 35

Washington Redskins (2-1) at New Orleans Saints (3-1) 6:15pm ESPN MNF
202 yards is the magic number. You’ll hear 201 a lot, because people are stupid. The real number is 202. What is that? Oh, it’s how many yards Drew Brees needs to be the all time leading passer in NFL history, surpassing Peyton Freaking Manning! How fitting he does it in New Orleans where Peyton is their proudest son. Oh, and he does it by halftime in a blowout. Prediction: Redskins 20, Saints 41

**Bye Week: Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Chicago Bears**