Ouch, last week was BRUTAL on my picks. Some were narrow defeats, but hey, a loss is a loss, and we all know that I’ll brag all day about a victory. So I gotta take my lumps as well.
Thankfully, this Thursday has a good game. We get to see the Rams beat the snot out of the Cousins’, and we all know I love seeing the Vikings lose for this very reason.
We also have another primetime game to watch: Monday Night Football. I’m gonna dish out some free advice to you all: Take Tuesday off, because if you sit through the entire game, you’re going to need the next day to recover from that massive headache you’ll wake up with.
Now onto the picks.
Last Week: 6-10
Minnesota Vikings (1-1-1) at Los Angeles Rams (3-0) 6:20pm Fox/NFLN/AMAZON PRIME TNF
I can think of nothing better for the Vikings’ fresh new blowout than playing the best team in football. I mean, the reason why they got Cousins and dumped Keenum was because they wanted to have the perennial loser (Cousins) start winning? Interesting strategy there Vikings. How is that working out for you these days? Prediction: Vikings 13, Rams 34
New York Jets (1-2) at Jacksonville Jaguars (2-1) 11:00am FOX
The Jags are gonna be PISSED after dropping an easy game to the Titans. And what better way to have some vengeance than to be a bully to a rookie QB team? Prediction: Jets 9, Jaguars 27
Miami Dolphins (3-0) at New England Patriots (1-2) 11:00am CBS
It’s been over a decade since Miami has won in Foxboro. Not only that, but they are undefeated and the Patriots look lost. This means an easy victory, right? Wrong! We’ve seen slow starts from the Patriots before, only to watch them rip off 12 in a row. This will mark the 1st of what will be a long string of victories. And before you can blink your eye, the dolphins will only have a 1 game lead on them, and that’s why the Patriots will win yet another division title. Prediction: Dolphins 17, Patriots 35
Philadelphia Eagles (2-1) at Tennessee Titans (2-1) 11:00am FOX
The Eagles are starting to trend up, which spells disaster for the Titans’ chances this weekend. I’m not saying this will be a high scoring affair for Philly, but the Eagles will do Eagles things. Prediction: Eagles 27, Titans 9
Houston Texans (0-3) at Indianapolis Colts (1-2) 11:00pm
That’s it, I’m done. I’m done giving DeShaun Watson and JJ Watt the benefit of the doubt. They aren’t winning and I gotta get a higher percentage for my picks. This is embarrassing. So prove me wrong Texans, because I’m predicting that Andrew Luck and the boys run wild on you. Prediction: Texans 17, Colts 27
Buffalo Bills (1-2) at Green Bay Packers (1-1-1) 11:00am CBS
Josh Allen came in last week and ran all over the Vikings. Who would have seen that coming? Can he do it against the Packers who won’t be surprised by his athleticism? Let me ask my Magic 8 Ball...
There you have it. Prediction: Bills 16, Packers 31
Detroit Lions (1-2) at Dallas Cowboys (1-2) 11:00am FOX
The Lions just stunned the NFL world by steamrolling the Patriots. So surely they can take down the lowly Cowgirls, right? Fine fine fine, Cowpeople. Better? The answer is a resounding yes. I think Matt Patricia knew a thing or two about the Patriots and that’s why they won, but winning can be contagious, and so can losing. And the Cowboys are exactly what Kirk Cousins is: Losers. Prediction: Lions 30, Cowboys 24
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1) at Chicago Bears (2-1) 11:00am FOX
Ok, so is Fitzmagic alive or dead? I say the Steelers defense is a) pathetic, b) let up which extended “garbage time”, and c) couldn’t pull themselves out of it fast enough to slam a comeback attempt shut, as teams often struggle with. So again, is the magic over? Or still rolling? I think that the Bears with their defense goes a long way to answering this question. Prediction: Bucs 16, Bears 17
Cincinnati Bengals (2-1) at Atlanta Falcons (1-2) 11:00am CBS
Both of these teams are head scratchers. I want to say the Bengals are worse than their record and the Falcons are better than theirs. The Falcons have fallen just short of opening the season 3-0, and to me, that counts for something. Meanwhile, I still just don’t trust the Bengals. Prediction: Bengals 24, Falcons 31
Seattle Seahawks (1-2) at Arizona Cardinals (0-3) 2:05pm FOX
Will Earl Thomas still be a Seahawk by the time they play? That’s a decently deciding factor in this. I mean, he could very well feast on Josh Rosen in his first start. Without him, I like the Cardinals’ chances a whole lot better, and with him, I think the Seahawks steamroll Arizona. I think I just basically said that no matter what, the Seahawks win, it’s just simply trying to determine a final score. Prediction: Seahawks 27, Cardinals 13
Cleveland Browns (1-1-1) at Oakland Raiders (0-3) 2:05pm FOX
Ding Ding Ding, all aboard the Baker Mayfield train! The Browns have a really good defense that’s loaded with talent. And finally they’re doing what they should have done from Day 1 of training camp: Give all the reps to your future! I’m not saying it’ll be record breaking or anything, but I am saying Mayfield is gonna have the Browns winning. Prediction: Browns 20, Raiders 16
New Orleans Saints (2-1) at New York Giants (1-2) 2:25pm CBS
Drew Brees showed that you’re never too old to be a QB in the NFL. Throwing for almost 400 yards and 3 TDs and running in for a few more. This team might not have much of a defense, but if they can tighten up just a little bit (kinda like the Chiefs), they’ll be a juggernaut in the NFL. And this week? Well, the Giants will likely score some points. Even Eli and OBJ can get their collective “stuff” together to do that for this week. But lets face it, it won’t be enough. Prediction: Saints 41, Giants 31
San Francisco 49ers (1-2) at Los Angeles Chargers (1-2) 2:25pm CBS
The only team that wants their money back more than the Vikings is the 49ers. This game was gonna be a toss-up before Garoppolo went down for the year. And when he went down, so too did the 49ers season, including any offensive production. Meanwhile, the Chargers have a shot to get to .500, which they’ll gladly capitalize on with the resurgent of the Rivers-to-Gates connection. Prediction: 49ers 3, Chargers 24
Baltimore Ravens (2-1) at Pittsburgh Steelers (1-1-1) 6:20pm NBC SNF
The Ravens are coming off their dismantling of the Denver Broncos. As Joe Flacco said, they could have passed it 55 times and been just fine. That’s how piss poor the Broncos secondary is, and guess what? The Steelers aren’t a whole lot better. But they do have some pieces on offense, and any time you have Roethlisberger and Brown, you have a shot. Especially at home and against a tough division rival. Prediction: Ravens 31, Steelers 30
Kansas City Chiefs (3-0) at Denver Broncos (2-1) 6:15pm ESPN MNF
Do you want a key to this game? Dress every single defensive lineman and linebacker you can, even if this is the only game of the year they play. Why? Because the Broncos will need to hit Mahomes on literally every single passing play in order to rattle him and have any legitimate shot at winning this game. And if we’ve learned anything about the 2018 season, its that quarterbacks aren’t actually allowed to play contact football. They are cupcakes and snowflakes and a bunch of prissy little B’s. There will be many personal fouls for roughing the passer, and there will be many ejections. So stock up on these linebackers and linemen, cause we’re gonna be churning and burning through them. Prediction: Chiefs 52, Broncos 23