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2018 NFL Picks: Week 1

A brand new year ushers in brand new hopes! Unless you are an Oakland Raiders fan, then the new year ushers in despair and hopelessness.

NFL: International Series-Minnesota Vikings at Cleveland Browns Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Are you ready for some football? Wait, am I allowed to say that or does Hank Williams Jr have a trademark on it? Oh well, caution to the wind: Are you ready for some freaking football?

The stench of 2017 is finally over with and this season we have renewed hope. Nothing can be worse than 2017, right? The Denver Broncos jettisoned every single quarterback they had on their roster and infused their football team with players who can actually play.

You can see the philosophical shift in the way John Elway went about this draft. For all those who complain about his drafting ability, you can now eat some crow, because Elway finally got it right and has started cutting bait with his past mistakes.

But enough about how awesome our team is, that will come later. It’s time for picking all the NFL games each and every week. As always, I’ll keep score to show both God and country that I’m better than you at something.

**All times Mountain Standard Time aka God’s Time aka Broncos Time

Last Week: 0-0
Overall: 0-0

Atlanta Falcons (0-0) at Philadelphia Eagles (0-0) 6:20pm NBC TNF

So here we are, opening game of the season. Man, this thing should be EPIC with the defending champs taking on the Falcons. The only issue is that the defending champs still don’t have their starting QB and Nick Foles is about to show why TYPICALLY if you have to rely on your backup, you’re hosed. Foles is the guy in the NFL wishing and praying to be the backup and not starter because he’s Philly’s hero. He can do no wrong right now! His stock will never be higher than it is right now! And he has looked like trash in the preseason. Over/Under on how many quarters it takes for that awful fan base to forget what he did last year and start booing him? I’m putting it at 2.5. Prediction: Falcons 20, Eagles 13

Tennessee Titans (0-0) at Miami Dolphins(0-0) 11:00am FOX

Adam Gase is already on the hot seat in Miami and they haven’t inspired any hope so far. The Titans have a good running game and solid Tight End play. Conversely the Dolphins have a pretty bad run defense and are about on par with the Broncos in stopping Tight Ends, meaning they can’t. The only thing the Dolphins have going for them is that it might be 500 degrees (in the Caribbean Seas, with the hot mommies screaming ayy papi?) and the Titans melt into oblivion. We’ve seen it before. The altitude is the equalizer in Denver just as the heat and humidity can be the equalizer in Miami. Prediction: Titans 24, Dolphins 10

San Francisco 49ers (0-0) at Minnesota Vikings (0-0) 11:00am FOX

I can’t wait for this game. Why? Because of the Kirk (shall we call him Kurt) Cousins nonsense. He doesn’t deserve to be the (now) second highest paid QB in the NFL. He’s average and I personally love the fact that the Broncos passed on him. At least I don’t have to boycott this season because of him on our team. I hope against hope that Garoppolo is the truth for the Niners, at least for this week, because I want to know what that flushing must sound like to hear $100m go down the toilet with a single overrated player. Prediction: 49ers 23, Vikings 20

Houston Texans (0-0) at New England Patriots (0-0) 11:00am CBS

Ok seriously, I have to actually start picking home teams to win, right? I currently have 3 out of 3 home teams losing. Not this time! I said it last week that the only thing I want to see if it isn’t the Broncos winning the super bowl, is the Patriots losing the super bowl. I love how defeat looks on a bunch of cheating crybabies. DeShaun Watson is the real deal and could turn the tide on this game in a hurry. But dangit, I already picked 3 away teams. I can’t pick a fourth. Or should I change my Eagles pick? Prediction: Texans 23, Patriots 24

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-0) at New Orleans Saints (0-0) 11:00am FOX

I just got in from New Orleans yesterday. Thought I might have to battle through a tropical storm, but it swerved at the last minute to save the city like they always do. But I digress, when you play in a dome, weather means nothing. The Saints are a team on the rise, and as long as they have Drew Brees back there slinging the rock, they always have a chance. Prediction: Bucs 16, Saints 27

Jacksonville Jaguars (0-0) at New York Giants (0-0) 11:00am FOX

Was last years Jaguars a mirage or an up and comer? I’m not sure the outcome of this game will determine that as the Giants straight stink. Way to go New York, you just paid a wide receiver an enormous sum of money. But the WR is only as good as the QB throwing him the ball, and last I checked, that QB wasn’t all that good anymore. What will that money get you? Did you even think of that when you signed him? Prediction: Jaguars 20, Giants 10

Cincinnati Bengals (0-0) at Indianapolis Colts (0-0) 11:00am CBS

What’s the honest to God health of Andrew Luck? That is the single determining factor of this game. The Bengals have a good defense, so if Luck is out, they win. But if Luck is actually healthy and is at least 70% of what we’ve seen of him in the past, then the Colts will squeak out a victory. This all comes down to health. Prediction: Bengals 20, Colts 24

Pittsburgh Steelers (0-0) at Cleveland Browns (0-0) 11:00am CBS

Well its official, Le’Veon Bell reported to the Steelers. So what are they gonna do with him? It would almost seem weird to have all their players open the season for them, wouldn’t it? I mean, someone is always out hurt or suspended it seems. I’m thinking this season will be no different. If Bell plays, he’ll likely pull a hammy for not being in game shape. But these are the Brown for heaven’s sake. And the Steelers own that division until otherwise noted. Prediction: Steelers 32, Browns 13

Buffalo Bills (0-0) at Baltimore Ravens (0-0) 11:00am CBS

Look, I’d like to get all philosophical on you and dive deep into this match-up, but honestly, if you’re a team (Buffalo) who brings in Paxton Lynch because you suck so bad at the QB position, you’re straight doomed! I get it, you have Josh “I suck against any decent competition, but oh dear God I can throw the ball over them mountains like Kyle Boller” Allen, but that doesn’t mean much. The Bills will challenge the Browns and Giants for being the worst team in the NFL this year. Prediction: Bills 3, Ravens 20

Kansas City Chiefs (0-0) at Los Angeles Chargers (0-0) 2:05pm CBS

“The Pass” is what the Chiefs call it. When your fans are so pathetically starved for any little crumb of success that they actually name a PRESEASON pass, well, you can pretty easily tell which direction this franchise is heading. It’s a joke, just like your quarterback. $wag Kelly is better than your starter, and he’s our backup! Chew on that for a second! And don’t get all ego inflated over there in San Diego ... I mean Los Angeles. When your home doesn’t even want you, that’s the same as your parents calling you ugly! Take this pity win for what it is, a pity win. But you know what they say about such things; A pity win is better than a loss, which is what the Chiefs will quickly find out. Prediction: Chiefs 13, Chargers 17 The pass. Please!!! What a joke!

Washington Redskins (0-0) at Arizona Cardinals (0-0) 2:25pm FOX

Who’s the starter for the Cardinals at QB? Is it really Sam Bradford? If it is, give me Alex freaking Smith. Then again, if it’s Josh Rosen, give me Alex freaking Smith. Look, Smith is out of the AFCWest so you all can admit that the last few years you’d have rather had him than anybody else we had on our team. He may not be flashy, but he’s consistently decent. And I’ll take that in this game over consistently Bradford. Prediction: Redskins 20, Cardinals 17

Dallas Cowboys (0-0) at Carolina Panthers (0-0) 2:25pm FOX

I think by default we root for Christian McCaffrey, right? Plus Dallas just feels dirty to root for in any game. Thankfully I think that no matter what you think, they (Dallas) won’t be any good this year. Bye bye goes Dez and Witten and their OL. I’m not sure what the Panthers will be this year, but I do believe they’ll be better than Dallas in this game. Prediction: Cowboys 17, Panthers 24

Seattle Seahawks (0-1) at Denver Broncos (1-0) 2:25pm FOX

Suck it Seahawks! Do I really need to say more? Paper tigers they are! The Broncos restocked the cupboard on offense and defense. Yes, I’m still worried about the Talib trade and I’ve made no bones about it in all of our collaborative articles this offseason and preseason. But this team has what it takes to take the NFL by storm. Remember, almost every single year we see a “worst to first” in the division. This is OUR YEAR to do it! Our offense when firing on even half their cylinders is the best in the division. When firing on all cylinders, we’re going to be a Top 5 unit in the entire NFL. And do I have to start naming names on defense? We still have Miller and Harris and Wolfe. We still have Roby and Ray and Marshall. We got Stewart and Roby and Chubb. We are super talented on defense as well as offense. Plus, unlike our division foes, we don’t call ordinary preseason plays “The Pass” because those are mundane and expected around here. We’re 19-0 until we aren’t. Prediction: Seahawks 13, Broncos 34

Chicago Bears (0-0) at Green Bay Packers (0-0) 6:20pm NBC SNF

Welcome to Chicago Khalil Mack! Have fun smashing Aaron Rodgers on Sunday Night! People have asked “does Rodgers’ new contract bring new pressure?” Hell no. Homie just got paid! He don’t care what anyone thinks. That’s the thing, you can only feel the pressure if you care about what others think, and Rodgers clearly has no time for that. He plays the game for him, not for you, and apparently that’s his personal recipe for success, because he’s been dominating since he took over. Like him or not, like his style or not, the dude can play. Prediction: Bears 12, Packers 27

New York Jets (0-0) at Detroit Lions (0-0) 5:10pm ESPN MNF 1

I think the best “non-Jets” thing that New York can do is start Darnold from day 1. He can play and he’ll take his lumps, but honestly, do you really think Josh McCown gives you all that much better of a chance at winning than Darnold? That’s a “vet” the Broncos could have brought in. Him and his 44% passing which even Tim Tebow calls piss poor. That’s the jackassery that talking heads threw out there all summer. They think vets are good simply because they played in games. Yeah, so did Ryan Leaf and Jabba the Russel. They’re vets who played. It doesn’t mean they’re any good, but they played. Anyways, we have a game to predict. If they start Darnold, they still lose, so you might as well start him. Prediction: Jets 13, Lions 17

Los Angeles Rams (0-0) at Oakland Raiders (0-0) 8:20pm ESPN MNF 2

This game is horrible for the NFL. Not because it won’t be a good game, and by good I mean the Rams curb stomping the Raiders by 40. What I mean is these ridiculous 2nd Monday Night Football games that nobody stays up to watch! Put this game on Sunday where it belongs and stop trying to be too cute. Back to the game, you have the Rams and my boy Talib against Jon “I’m gonna blow this team up and bring in geriatrics” Gruden. This is almost as easy to pick as the Steelers vs Browns. Prediction: Rams 40, Raiders 6