Ultimate Fan Guide, Part II: ‘Fangarello’ is figuring out this Broncos’ offense

Annnnnnddddd...now for part two of the best series in sports journalism anywhere (yes, it’s journalism).

757Boeingpilots was our “Phillip Lindsay” of the UFG - young, fast and ready to take on the world. And Whorfin is easily our Von Miller - the MVP of Mile High Report, always at the podium giving a positive outlook but probably more interested in joking around than taking life too seriously.

Some of you youngsters may not know Whorfin because he’s just angry enough at fellow “fans” who prefer to complain all the time about our favorite team that he’d rather hang out in the Fanposts’ section and entertain the troops over on “Calikula’s Imperial Weekly Thread.” And entertain, he does. If you like to chat with the good commenters on MHR - but not always about sports (and in fact, hardly ever about sports) - then pop in at the CIWT.

He is also well-known for a particular ritual around watching Broncos games - always wearing a Broncos-themed Hawaiian shirt (and it’s about as gaudy as it sounds) but only washing it after a loss. It’s amazing his wife allowed him to stay at the house during the 2015-16 season!

But I digress. Now it’s time to enjoy Whorfin’s always-funny approach to evaluating this team (hint: it never involves math but always includes keen observation - or at least... observation).

Go Broncos!

Week 10: BYE WEEK

MHR – The Broncos are 3-6, but by your “math,” I’m guessing the record is really 1-0, amirite? So what does this team need to do generally to go on a 7-0 run after this bye week?
Whorfin: Win. The next three should be victories: All three opponents have a “6” in their win/loss records. 666. Yup, we’re facing pure evil the next month and good always triumphs over evil. You can’t get this quality of analysis behind the paywall of some sketchy internet site. 11-0, Baby!!

MHR – Let’s say the Broncos do go on a 7-0 run (because it’s more fun to imagine finishing 10-6 instead of worrying about whether it may be 3-13), what does that say to you about this team? What if they don’t win another game, what would that mean - or not? ;)
Whorfin: Aside from the obvious rectitude of such an outcome, it means that Fangarello has figured out who they have on the roster. Between trades and injuries, we’re fielding the “fuzz on their antlers” demographic, the future of the franchise. Running the table is a great harbinger of seasons to come.

MHR – What do you think about Vic Fangio so far - is he what this team needs? Will he be the coach to get the team on the right path eventually? What would you tell Fangio to “cancelhole” about the team/franchise if he asked you?
Whorfin: As a fellow old fart, I like the infusion of oldfartiness. It’s a welcome breath of stale air after way-too-much of whichever-way-the-wind-blows we had the previous two years. The game of football is actually older than I am, believe it or not, and its fundamentals have survived all the tinkering. Having a guy that remembers the good old days is a good thing.

MHR - Do you think the Broncos will ever figure out the best way to use Jano, or are they using him as well as they should? Do you think Scangarello will be able to use Jano more effectively with an offense more set at quarterback?
Whorfin: An in-depth statistical analysis reveals that the run game is not racking up 300 yards per game, so the obvious answer is “No.” An exhaustive re-examination of my vague recollections of passing observation of the in-game replays, I’ve arrived at an unimpeachable conclusion: it’s not so much Scangarello who is misusing Jano, but Freeman and, to a lesser degree, Lindsay who are misusing him. They need to keep their eyes squarely on Jano’s “32” and follow him right off a cliff.

MHR – There will be several Bronco defenders possibly hitting free agency this year if not re-signed first, including Justin Simmons, Derek Wolfe, Shelby Harris and Chris Harris Jr. Which ones, if any, do you try to re-sign if you’re John Elway?
Whorfin: I’d like to keep all of them because I can remember their names. Having to learn new names every season is a lot of trouble. I hate preseason. When Peko kept his hairdo but changed his name, that was a difficult transition for me. I would like to see CHJ retire a Bronco, because he’s on my list of jerseys to get. Then again, if he moves on to some other team, I save money, so there is that.

MHR - Joe Flacco was placed on Injured Reserve, forcing backup Brandon Allen into starter service. Would you like to see the Broncos put Drew Lock out there at all this season? Under what circumstances would it make sense to do so?
Whorfin: I refer to the hard and fast rule of knocking the fuzz off the antlers. Play Lock, see who he is, what he can do. Make sure it’s not a slight to Allen, but throw Lock in there from time to time, see what he’s made of. If he’s all thumbs (get it? All thumbs….bwahahahahaha, man, I crack me up), we need to find out sooner than later, so Elway can go trade up for another giraffe nobody’s ever heard of. That said, Allen seems serviceable and still new enough that he can be developed. Flaccorton can underwhelm some other fanbase next year, preferably in KC. Lock needs to add an “e” to the end of his name. Communicates more gravitas, and all.

MHR - Every defender who has given an in-depth interview on Denver radio has mentioned how complex Fangio’s defense is and how hard it is to pick up but also how much they like playing in it. What do you think about the defensive scheme? Do you see this unit being a highly dominant force in the future like Fangio’s past defenses?
Whorfin: Yes. It’s not coming on like a flash as Wade’s did, but I believe he’s laying the foundation and developing the fundamentals. With some level of continuity, I see the Broncos’ defense gaining the reputation as a meat grinder over the long haul.

MHR – I know where you stand on “tanking,” but for the benefit of the kids out there, explain why “playing for a high draft pick” is cancelhole material?
Whorfin: “Suck for Luck” is defeatism. Defeatism must be defeated. I’ve noticed that the Suckers for Luckers also tend to have little trust in our ability to draft well. The dichotomy is a real head-scratcher, but my tinfoil hat has the answer: their true motivation is to move up the waiting list for season tickets. Follow the money, people.

MHR - Kareem Jackson has been doing a segment every week called “KJackTV” where he interviews teammates on silly topics, so I’m going to start my own version and ask you, the non-designated leader of the CIWT page, a bunch of ridiculous questions:

Which CIWT commenter is most worthy of borrowing the infamous Hawaiian Broncos shirt? Infamous?? (*editor’s note: Yes. Because in the words of the “Three Amigos” [the Steve Martin, Martin Short and Chevy Chase amigos, not the Broncos], that really means MORE than famous.)

Styg50, and I’d make him wear it outside in the Alaskan winter whenever he rattles on about Fiat currency. I mean, seriously, who’s ever heard of an automaker printing money? Are we to hoard Cadillac dollars? Does GMC money actually have more lock washers than Chevrolet money?

Which CIWT commenter could best handle raising goats? Oxmouth. Ungulates seem to understand each other and get along.

Which Bronco would be most likely to agree to wear a crocheted jersey? Von. He needs a tear-away jersey.

Which MHR staff writer would be most likely to throat-punch someone? That’s easy: Sadaraine. He does it all the time. (editor’s note: WRONG. It’s me. Sadaraine will tell you to pound sand; I will just punch you. In the throat.)

If you could add any former Bronco onto the current team - at the pinnacle of his career - who would it be? TYJE. He spent most of his career behind a sieve O-Line.

MHR - What are your thoughts on the Broncos ownership debacle? Do you feel like the future of the franchise is in good hands no matter what? What is your assessment of John Elway as GM so far?
Whorfin: The ownership situation is a fustercluck, pure and simple. None of the Bowlenettes impress me in the least, yet I cannot countenance the franchise being sold to another Mr. Pringles as a vanity acquisition. The difference between Broncos with Mr. B’s hand on the tiller and not (and this covers pre- and post-PB active control) is stark. I think TYJE is responsible for any post-PB success. His draft day crystal ball needs some polishing, to be sure, but I believe TYJE is doing his best to perpetuate the culture Mr. B instilled in the franchise.

MHR – Who would be your offensive and defensive MVPs for the Broncos midway through the season?
Whorfin: The whole offense has been pretty offensive, so it’s hard to choose. The defense hasn’t put together the No Fly Zone yet, but I sure like the guy that took over Peko’s spot and hair.

Predictions:

What will happen first - Lindsay reaches 10 TDs (5 currently) or Von gets 10 sacks (4 currently)? Both on the same play. Pretend I’m Nostradamus on this deal. My quatrains make no sense, but they fit any event. Just trust me on this.

How many more first downs will be negated because of a holding penalty? 134,296 and counting. We have a very affectionate young man at left tackle.

Which AFC quarterback do you like to watch getting sacked the most? There are two: Phyllis, because it invariably rattles him and interceptions fall like rain; and Mahomie just for the look of surprised injustice on his face.

How many times will the Broncos collectively sack the quarterbacks in the remaining 7 regular season games? This is vague, do I include our quarterbacks, too? ‘Cause that’ll be a big number. Use “in the aggregate” instead; collectivism is bad.

Which team wins the AFC West? Broncos, of course. You didn’t specify which year, not that it would change my answer.

Broncos season W-L record this year? 14-6

Broncos season W-L record next year? 19-0. Well, duuuuhhhh.

The Favorites

Favorite Broncos win ever? The Superb Owl win over the Packers. The monkey was off our backs — FINALLY. Beating Mr. Bundchen on our way to humiliating the glitter kitties was real gratifying, too.

Favorite Broncos coach ever? The Mastermind.

Team you hate to lose to the most? The one we’re playing.

Team you love to beat? The one we’re playing.

Favorite game this season? The Brownies. It looked like we were putting together an entire game, Mayfield was close to tears, and the refs didn’t pull some stupid futbol clock-management nonsense.

Favorite Broncos player on the current roster? JanoBEAST

Favorite rookie/young guy on the team? Malik Reed gets that nod.

Favorite Broncos player of all time? TYJE

Favorite football-themed movie? Don’t watch sports movies, they’re more contrived than porn.

Game-day ritual? Mrs. W makes some finger-food lunch/dinner, we have our gear on, and I tee up History of Rock and Roll Pt. 3 for Broncos scores.

How did you become a Broncos fan?

Conversion by the sword. My brother, six years my senior beat me up for saying something good about another team when I was six years old.