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The one where we discuss the significance of birthday parties

Around half of the Denver Broncos team attended Russell Wilson’s birthday party. Around half did not. Let’s discuss, because I guess that’s where we’re at.

NFL: Super Bowl LIV-NFL Honors Jasen Vinlove-USA TODAY Sports

Well, we’re officially at the “can it get any dumber” point in the 2022 season of the Denver Broncos.

An offseason that built so much hope, optimism, and excitement has bombed harder than the pathetic Matrix reboot Hollywood tried to force on us. The Broncos sit at 3-8, have the worst offense in the NFL, are gifting a top 5 pick (which may get to #1 overall if things don’t change) to the Seattle Seahawks, and the high-priced QB the team acquired looks like an all-time bust.

The narrative has completed itself. The Broncos hired the wrong head coach/QB combo, and it has spontaneously combusted before everyone’s eyes. The game planning is bad, the QB looks like he has the yips, and every time one player sneezes, five more go down with hamstring injuries. Things aren’t great.

Unfortunately, there are six games remaining in the Broncos schedule, and just because the team’s season is dead in the water doesn't mean the media sharks can’t still feed. So why not make a Stretch Armstrong reach and overanalyze what might be the dumbest off-the-field story of all time?

As aforementioned, the Broncos' offense has been able to do nothing with Russell Wilson as the QB. Despite what anyone in the locker room says, there is almost certainly a contingent that is not happy with how things are going. When Mike Purcell lashed out at the QB this past Sunday, each party tried to bury it as a non-story, but the frustration was clear.

Yet, that’s what happens on teams that aren’t winning. Locker rooms get snippy, frustrations come to a boiling point, and no one is happy. That’s pretty much all there is to it. But what would this season be without someone adding gasoline to the teetering fire pit of PR?

Mike Klis of 9News in Denver, like Jon Snow taking on the Bolton army in Game of Thrones, was busy reaching out to anyone and everyone who could refute the NFL Network’s Mike Garafolo’s report that Wilson had lost some in the Broncos’ locker room.

His ultimate source? Wilson’s wife, pop star Ciara, who organized a 34th birthday celebration for her QB husband. According to Klis, Ciara claimed about half the team attended, which to Klis, proved what a nothingburger this whole thing was.

Yet, Klis, who may not have factored in the math, did not account for the fact half DID NOT attend the party, which of course means that he’s lost half the locker room. Or at least that’s the narrative some wanted to run with.

Yes, we are now discussing whether birthday parties are a solid enough barometer to dictate a QB’s standing with his team. This is stuff that feels like a third-grade newspaper would be covering, not national press.

“Yeah, well it was disappointing,” little Davey said after only five of his eight birthday invitees showed up for his 9th birthday. “One said he was grounded, and the other two live kind of far away I guess, but my mom ordered pizza for 8 kids, and the odd number also really threw off our plans for a Mario Kart tournament.”

For goodness’ sake (I’m dropping Christmas one-liners this month), players who actually attended had to come out and talk about it. It doesn’t get more migraine-inducing than that.

The Broncos season is already a disaster. Can we at least not make it a punchline every week? That would be nice.

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